Excerpt for Forced Out by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Forced Out

by Kennie Kayoz

Copyright 2017 Coyotes Publishing

Smashwords Edition


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A Story

Welcome to my story, we pick it up just after my 25th birthday.
It didn't seem like a day I wanted to yell "Hooray !".
A few days later I got talking to Jessica on myspace.

After being a sweet guy she decided to meet me face to face.

I told her where I lived, she knew the house well.
She showed up as soon as I seen her I felt my heart fell.

Things went great, we hung out.
Near end of the month we decided to start to date.

Then December came and almost changed that fate.
December 20th 2005 I got a phone call early in the morning.

As an emotional cloud started the storming.
A accident, my Dad pronounced dead at the scene.
My whole life crashed before me.
I didn't know if she would stay by myside since we only started to date.

My whole life was resting on that fate.
Few days later the funeral happened, she came with me.
She eased my pain.

I had to do my best to put it behind me.
I got an upside down

Smile and I
Got to wipe my frown
dry my eyes

The stress started to kick in.
Food didn't taste so good.
My weight dropped.. From about 230lbs to 200lbs.

At times bouncing in the 190's.
No energy to do anything, no apetite to eat.

No food tasted good.
Restless nights, turned more restless.
Didn't know what to do...
Times alone I wondered why it had to happen to him.
Why not happen to me.
I was the bad one, things coulda changed and Jessica not like me.
Coulda took my life nobody woulda cared.
At times I sat in the dark starring at the knives sitting out.

Wondering if things would be better if it was me who wasn't here.

I couldn't help myself to think that...
Jessica is what stopped me, she was there for me all the time.
She continues to be there for me.
To comfort to hold, to hug to kiss.

I got an upside down

Smile and I
Got to wipe my frown
dry my eyes

- Kennie Kayoz -

** Please Note: The lyrics in "bold italics" were my inspiration from the song "BiPolar by Krizz Kaliko" As I chose to incorperate them into what I wrote **

MiZunderstood

Being 6'4 isn't easy ya know.

Standin above all.
Lookin down, people be intimidated.
Prob why people won't give me a chance.
Afraid of pissin me off and rippin there heads off.

Job sign says "we're hirin" you see my resume you call me.
As soon as I stand up you get scared and feel that I'm a danger.
Wrap me in yellow cautionary tape.
Censor me like the word rape.


You seem to preceive me as Dexter.
One who eliminates the criminals.
If that was the case you'd already be at the bottom of the lake.

As you robbed me a chance for a job.

Instead of hiring me you hired some slut in hopes of a blowjob.
Which would give me the second swipe at you if I wanted.
Cheatin on your wife whose sittin at home awaiting your arrival.

Perhaps it would be a great surprise though.

If you didn't arrive at home.
You wouldn't raise your fist to her.
So for once in her life she can go out and not shake because of fearing she may do you wrong.


In all I'm a nice guy if you get to know me.
If you happen to see what few do.
Choose not to and it's not my fault how you choose to percieve.

As I choose not to let you survive as you've already done the world wrong.

- Kennie Kayoz -

Prove To Me....

Prove to me that somethin exists above, that someone is keepin an eye on me.
With all the bad things that have happened in my life.

How can you tell me that there is someone above plannin it all out.


Show me that the one thing I read about in school was true.
How in fact can we say there's a god.
When everyone says they have there own.
Who is the right one, is there a right one.
If you choose wrong are we lookin for an eternity in hell for worshippin a false one.


What is possibly going to happen. in the year 2012 when the earth aligns with the sun.
Are we gonna burn up crisp... Be burnt and all sent to our eternal resting place.
Perhaps these two thousand plus years were nothing more than a test.
The world has failed it now we all gotta pay.
We were all made in the image of someone false.
We fucked up and the mistake has to be erased.
The world shall end.
We shall now start things over again.
Let a new world begin as they hope to get things right this time.
Or will this be final ending to humanity.

Prove to me that someone or something is listening when I'm hoping for a better life.
Or is it just me speaking to myself realizing that all this would have been no different if I found a kitchen knife.


- Kennie Kayoz -

Nothing Is Right

No matter what I do, you tell me it's not right.
I try to open my mouth to help you out, but it's not right.

I thought when I left school the verbal harassment would stop.
I was wrong, as I guess I was given another glass since the last one was over the top.

You leave me a list of chores to do, things get done.. I still get yelled at.
Just because he did something wrong you still take your anger out on me.

I go out to a show or have a night out.
Next day you have to dump more on me.
To punish me for going out.
Perhaps if it was me who died that day instead of Dad you would be happy.
As I wouldn't be around, you wouldn't have to come visit me you can just forget.
Remove my photos, burn the evidence and wipe my birth from your mind.
Every little glimpse that you get of me shall be erased over a short time.
Since this is all about you isn't it.
You always wanted everyone to wait on you and do everything for you.
If it was up to you, you'd want me to work 3 jobs and give you 3 different pay checks.
Keep nothing for myself since I don't deserve it.
I sit down here with the lights off and you still complain that I'm doing something wrong.
I can't help but wonder if I was the mistake 28 years ago.
Did you not want me, tried to give me up only to be rejected.
Now stuck with me.. Shoulda just had 2.
Wouldn't have had to worry bout the 3rd.
I would have been someone elses problem.
Your life would be perfect as you always wanted it.

But you were forced to keep me.
For whichever reason.
You treat the other two with love.
You always turn your back to me.
To ignore me so that I'd go away.
In hopes of me being lead astray.
Threats, threats and more threats.

Keeping me up at night.

Making me loose sleep.


Perhaps if I woulda taken my own life.
You would be happier.
Well there's still time for me to do so.

- Kennie Kayoz -

How Do You See

You say nothing but good things about me.
You hug and kiss me every day to show me the love.
I don't see how you see these good things inside of me.
I shouldn't have lived this long.
I should have been long gone.

Now I can't help but stare at you.
Huggin an Kissin you back.
As you make me feel accepted for once.

I always feel that this is too good to be true.

I'm waitin for this dream to end.

To wake up alone again.

Back in my miserable ways.

You have changed my life for the better.

I still can't seem to understand how you see all this good in me.
I see nothing good in myself.

I still feel as if I shouldn't be here right now.
I should be dead or gone.
Locked away in a padded room.

Six feet under where you walk.

Nobody in this world has given me a chance.
But for some reason you have given me a chance to romance.

People don't seem to understand me.

When words come from my mouth they look confused.

As if I should have found courage at the bottom of a bottle of booze.

I still don't know how you see what you do say that you see in me.

- Kennie Kayoz -

"We're Hiring"

(One lone man roaming the streets job hunting)
Oh look a sign that says "We're Hiring" finally a job.
(the one lone man when giving in his resume being told "No" and his resume thrown out)
(Man walks out of store.)


I'm sorry since I'm not good enough for you.
I'm sorry since I'm not good enough for you.

I tried to find my way in your world, but your world continued to reject me.
Peices of my resume is now the only mystery.

Seems as if everything I've been told is a lie.

All my pain was deep inside.
I fail the more I try.
My life is hell, I don't know why.

No matter what I do I get denied.

Can't begin to count the tears I've cried.

I just want to run away.
I've never had a shot at it anyway.


I'm sorry since I'm not good enough for you.
I'm sorry since I'm not good enough for you.

Wish I could find peace of mind.
While I continue to pound the pavement under the sunshine.

Hundreds resumes, stores and rejections.

Many tears, towns and imperfections.

My soul continues to grow cold as I continue to be rejected by you.

- Kennie Kayoz -
(Inspired By Prozak's song "Good Enough")

Rain

For the last 2 days it's been raining.
Trying to wash away the old, the dead.
Wanting to bring new life to the world.
To make people smile seeing bright colors.
To see the colors of summer early in March.

Giving them hope of good things to happen later this year.

The rain shall wash all that is dead away.
To reveal more dead.
Dead and dirt.

To try to clean things up is a false hope.
In hope of things making people happy.
The rain.
The wetness that falls from the sky.

The cold drops from above.

To rinse the dirty off.

To make the clean come through.

Rain

- Kennie Kayoz -

Deserve Someone Better

I feel as if everyone around me deserves someone better.
Something I can't do, someone I can't be.
Everything I do I fail at.
I don't know why the hell they would give me the time of day.
Why they would bother to help me in anyway.
I don't know why I would be given a chance from people.

Society doesn't give me a chance.


I can't help but feel that nobody should have me around.

Everyone deserves someone better.

I can't do nothing right

It's a never ending fight.

I should have died long ago.

Or locked away key thrown away as well.

Never to see the light of day again.

Never should have had anyone love me the way she does.


I still feel that she deserves someone better

- Kennie Kayoz -

GirlCrazy

Unlike many of you, I haven't had the same upbringing.

While ya were drawn to girls cause they're infectious voice's like they were singing.

I was forced to look down.
Keepin my eyes lookin at the ground.

Once my brother got a girl pregnant the shit got dumped on me.
However many girls don't seem to understand me.
Thinkin that I was gonna do the same, anytime I talked with a girl.

Constantly got told "hope you ain't up to no good".
Growing up was tough, missed many things that people take for granted.

Made my life rather slanted.

Now I don't seem to know how to talk to them.
Always being the one in school that girls scream "it's him"
They seem to run in fear from me.

Blocking me online, while I try to be myself.
Couldn't conjure up a conversation with my mouth.

Feel like I'm being left behind.
Missing out on what many would consider an important thing in life.
Me not knowing how to handle myself.

Feelin like everythin is broadcasted.

While some have the ability, I feel I've been surpassed.

Always put to the back of the line.

Always being pushed behind.

Stay in the dark.
Don't touch or talk.

How can be one like this if a female is apart of life.
Perhaps my life is to be left alone so nobody will have to remember me.

- Kennie Kayoz -

In A Bad Place

I always feel as if I'm in a bad place.
In my mind doing wrong, feeling like I should just hide.
Nobody gets hurt.
Nothing illegal happens.

I just feel as if I'm in a bad place.
When I'm off alone I feel as if my mind races, I panic.

To the point of it make me feel sick.

I wish I knew how to shake this feeling.
I feel as if I have a very low ceiling.

I guess I'm forever in a bad place.
You maybe able to tell if you look at my face.

I look lost and disoriented.

I feel confused and all alone.
People are out to get me.

I keep seeing things out of the corners of my eyes.

I feel always jittery, that the littlest thing makes me jump.


- Kennie Kayoz -

Parania

I feel as if I'm constantly lookin over my shoulder.

As the room gets dark and I grow colder.

Not sure what to make of any situation.

Feel as if people are out to get me for reasons of the unknown.

I fear that I'm no longer safe anywhere I may go.
I don't know what to do.
I feel as if things will turn out badly.
I feel as if I got people watching me with everything that I do.
I can't help but feel as if the walls inside my mind are closing.

Leaving me little room to think.

Lesser room to breathe.

I can't help but feel squished by them.

I see things in the darkness as if people are watching me.

I can't get away from things.

Even in the day time I feel as if people are following me and watching everything I do.

I'm nobody important but I feel as if I have people tryin to follow me see everything I do.

I wish I could get away from this but part of me says it won't stop.

I get woke up at night and feel if someone is in my bedroom starring at me.

In the evenings while watching TV I feel that things are lurking in the shadows.


- Kennie Kayoz -

Restless Night

Last night was a restless night.
I couldn't get things out of my mind, it was like a fight.

Between myself and my thoughts.


I wish I knew what all I was fighting about.

Good thing I don't scream and shout.
Prob would have woken up the entire house.

Instead I bounce around like an elephant, my mouth quiet as a mouse.

Still feeling exhausted from the night before.
My eyes wanting to close.
Last night at times my body so cold it felt as if it was froze.

Then things got so hot.
I felt I was in hell or a similar spot.

My brain was going crazy
This body of mine was feeling lazy.


- Kennie Kayoz -


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