Excerpt for Five O'clock Pizza by , available in its entirety at Smashwords





Five O'clock Pizza



By Jacob Andersen

Copyright 2017 Jacob Andersen

Smashwords Edition





The flowers are everywhere

It's all just a game

Who lives who dies



How to open the door

Choose to believe

Our minds are bigger than we think


Who wrote the program?

You are me

You will see what you want to see


Chocolate tacos

Fresh strawberries

"Our basic rule is to treat others as you wish to be treated and don't do anything to scam or hurt another."

Chocolate strawberries


God's joke

How many waves are in the ocean

God's toy

Sobriety is so much easier

... How many times have I seen you in my heart


Given the option to live somewhere else

But choosing to remain human

... Multiple options abound


It's all done by volume, nobody cares

What cannot be corrupted

There is no longer anything to complain about

When the world is still magic

You can have anything you want

... Sing your own song and move on


This is what we produce

The perfect machine

Each person another piece

... What it means to be human


When you spend decades of your life intoxicated what are you

I had a girlfriend once

Nothing goes to waste

We are all chasing something

Be strong in one land so you can affect another

Everyone has his or her location

Which drug did it

It’s more than one drug

This is my world

Many possibilities abound

Within the structure of teaching

Life is something you do every day

Constant attention to detail

Learning what not to do

Cooperation under pressure

Shapes me into what I can become

Look no further than yourself

... That person is a reflection of you


I have thought of you more than you know

Maybe you have done the same

For me

Separately I think without nervousness

Thinking alone without you

When you're not around

I go far into my imagination

When your not here

But it isn't real not as tangible

When you’re close

I get to deal with you for real

Feeling emotions

It would be fun if we touched

I don't know

Just something I thought of

What goes on in my mind when I'm thinking of you

It is marvelous

Be with me


So much is dead and growing

lying dormant under snow

till dew dribbles down your check


Gain your own space

then look


The way

people are

raised


Children

parents and

what I see


The parents

and their

children


You should have

other things to do

also


In my dreams

intense thoughts

awaken


How people

get into

trouble


Get the person

into it versus

rote


Anything meaningful

and how we

relate to it


Less precise goes to

precise then you

look at it


Will relate

to the human

experience, condition


You can

make up your own mind

about it


Putting it all together

I succeed

listening to my own music


I'm willing to

share the

rest of my life

with you


Sometimes you have to try it


An awful

lot of

walls

would

come

tumbling

down

if we made love

again


Then {I} back off

and let your

interests die for a while


Putting it

all together

we learn


Gloria

My thoughts extend to you. Why?

I love. I am. I love you. Why?

Why do I love,

you?

I'm sitting at the pub again, drinking

beer. A woman told me not to drink.

I do. I am young. I drink here

tonight. With you, my love? I

love you.

So I wrote. I continued. I never stopped writing, to you. I'm sitting

at the pub thinking over how much I

love you. ... Sit still. ... I'm still talking

my love. ... I still love you.

We sat together once, a long time ago

and we loved, kind of. I loved you. Why

the lose? Did we cease to love?

My love and yours intertwined.

There can be no ending. That is why

I love. Together today feel these emotions.

I love.

How far can we go? Together

in this world I do not know. I don’t

care. I love.

We loved, together. We love even

now. Don’t forget, I loved.

Rambling thoughts or too much

beer? ... Guess what? ... I love

you, today and tomorrow we kiss together.

We love blending melting

minds together as one.

Was I just imagining this?

Two people together, kissing and loving in

one air. Amazing. We loved together.

I loved you, but does it matter

any more. We loved.

Touching, holding, hold me

to you. ... I love. ... You did. Together

we love. ... Never ending thought, rambling

emotions, I love.

I love you.

We love, together. Touching

holding fondling peacefully ... together.

Your lips bind, inert. I love.

People think and write, sometimes.

So did you. Try it out. I think

you’ll like the place I purpose.

We love together.

I write. I am.

We write together.

Love her

and she loves me.

He loves me also.

Does that mean we love, or not?

I love and so does he.

We love all of us together.

We write together. This is

not just an experience. No norm

involved. Love, touch, together

loving. Try it sometime I think

you’ll like it.


We are part of this

planet, father sky and mother earth

together.

God bless.


Write

No! No!

I write ... you can't

can ...

What! ... did you

who ... If you

what

No

... Speak ... I need

another. ... Where

... my love

Fill me ... You/Me

Whomever

What

Keep

you

Alone ... If I could guess

I would not write.

Forget ... gone

who ... mystery

I am ... I am gone

who ... get together?

I am here

... But a dream ...

If you could write

this is real.

I will be ... release

Be with me here ... not tomorrow

why ... waiting

Be! ... Begin

quickening ... be

Fill these spaces

together.

write one more line ... See

and ... Death ... Is real

catch me Death is

real

My life gone ... In

out ... lifting ... rising do

... I'm gone

why.

How far must I go before

you love me. ... A peck on

... say good-bye

never leave

Together

Have touch

... feel me I am

close

... together ... my ...

I have no my ...

Endings are real.

sweet endings be

be with me ... but what!

why

Love lasts sometimes.

I didn't ... love

me

I know ... I write.

... Lost. He knows

you no longer. Love is

sweet ... I miss

... In your arms

No more

... I am

be with me

death...

I live no more

be with me

Run ... fear

Touch ... holds ... breath

Today is my

... If all the days ... came together

Him ... in you ... no more

peace. ... Let go of

your fear. Arise. He took

it down. I wonder.

... Make me your friend

never again. ... Survival

gain wonderment explain

you’re to me. Don't leave

I love you.

My love.

would you like ... me

holding.

Hold me never more I am

with you now ... Life return

I will grow. Earth soil

she is good. My ground sprout

anew. My life

... why did you love me

good bye ... you hold me no more

be with me no more ... because

I don't love you any more

Take a hint. You never saw

this happening ... I would live

beyond you. ... I am so

happy ... such a rarity

Of course you are not

with another.

I am alone

If I life to breathe with

you would I be with you ...

Sleep dream I

... what we could buy

would buy is. I want you

Love ... Because we

would not exist but

alone separate peace

quite.


Life is not perfect.

There is no perfect

time.

There is so much

and yet so little

to learn.


Write!

What a command what an answer.

I wonder.

I write and I am.

Today and tomorrow

looking at the

world around me

tonight

wondering

why?

Today and tomorrow

this day and into the next

I wonder.

And then you have

The people who

think.

Why? I wonder.

All I want to do is

get sick and throw up!

Who am I?

Jacob.

Who is he?

Can you write? I would like

to see.

But

who am I?

Jacob.

Who is he?

Where have I gone?

I wonder.

Care to take a shot

of beer,

whiskey?

I don't know.

I called my girl

friend. One of

them, who didn't return

my call. Why?

Who?

So what! ... fuck.


CONSUMATTION

To be consumed by whatever you are doing


TOGETHER

And now there is a rift in

Our world

Through you today and tomorrow

This day today

Go on and keep growing

Peace here today

Tomorrow more

Everyday loving and growing

Affection grow deep

Sprout anew

In your heart

For him

He is a boy

Love him

His trust and

Yours we keep


Lightening flash

Thunder blow

Wind whistles

Under tow

Out towards

The sea

She waits

And woe


Glow on

Mast prick

The sky

Serpent under

Hull will

See my

Rudder steers

On course


Bullets

For

Lives

Exchange Rate

Bullets

For

Love

Exchanging Peace

Bullets

For

War

Exchange Time


To send

to take

to accept this

in your heart through

me

End

stop

start

begin ... through me

Love take flight


List that which makes a statement

trust

authority

trust

wasted / alive

lost / live

under / health

Remove hate, fear

liberate

quite

peace

serenity

peace

love

fortitude

trust

love

life

Remove fear

sleep

dream

rest


Hard world

versus real

I am a sensual

being

Why chains


Breath is

good

It lets us

live together

I'm growing inside

If you don't loose

hang on

And the harder

I pushed the

more he came

Looking in

him

I could see


... [the sphere]


Deep

inside

is

a

force

I know

Carry this torch

in you mind

high and strong


This just became my

communion with you. Let us live and grow

together



It began this way. I was thinking again

I think, will be, and may live throughout this life

Thinking endlessly my words flutter

Think


Pain for fear

versus

pain for life

You grabbed me

in your talons

and are pulling me

down. I like

it here death


Intersection / ing. Building tension

How do most stories begin

Study endings / verb tense

Key, lists, girl / woman

Man / boy

Man/ woman

Boy / girl

Organize

Study

Where the heads meet


Removing bad seeds

Remembering old, past hates

People I hated

Knowing why

Removing the old past hates

Before they corrupt my soul


Hello, hello, fellow student

How are you today

What might you have to say

I wonder, today, a student

Where does your ship sail

Through the frick and fray

Flying bright colors daily

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow

When you reach the bay

Who will say

Hello fellow student

Where did you journey

Where did you land

Somewhere over the horizon

In beach sand

Tall, tan, and gorgeous

Palm trees overhead

Gently sweeping

Put you into sleep

On this great land

Do you dare go back into the sea

Somewhere over the horizon

A different land

I wonder


Learn grow

Need know

Bisect

Because

Something

Very

Frightening

Just happened


Using myth [and attraction] for good

simplify myself

Why do we have turmoil

Inferior versus pure

Wait, watch, listen

What does it mean to enchant

Listen and learn

She said to me once to listen and learn


There

Is

Some-thing

In

Every-thing


She

Loves

You

Touch

Your

Earth


But somehow I had so much

work to do, and I haven't

stopped working


You must write about what is

real and not lie about it


But I do rewrite and

through rewriting changes

are made


An Illusion

play by the rules


And yet

god is agreeing

I do need help


It can go

right to "straight"

people and

tell them

I am here


They were probably very

fascinated and kept to simplicity


Until you have

something worthwhile

to agree


Parents

bring us up

into everything

they want


By not having

any desires

we find

a way up


Try to be open


For me

that is

the end


Peace, love, future

And now I feel well

again


Pain or pleasure

but a mishap

"Of course," he

would say.

But of course.


We cry when we are born

I can cry when I am with you

I am reborn


I once loved

I have not loved

I remarried


Who knows god

Who was god

I cannot find him in my heart

... Life is too short not to believe


I'm growing

You’re growing

Let's keep it this way


You need

to learn

it backwards


How do you

get over

there


Choose to teach

free


"In that room

I could feel again."


To be read

over and over

again till you look

at me and I can feel

you in my heart


Hold this

in your fingers

and touch your heart

touch me

together

and when

the time

is ready

the dam

will break

tears flowing


Science

Define

State

Separate

We are all our

Own trouble

... [Listen to the time]


I have to work

to temper my soul

You are beautiful

It takes

so much standing near

I want to touch then

relax. You’re too close

I never want you

to go away

You blend in so well

Share this space

with me

You are here and I

am free.


Think

Why are the people separate

Do they care

Yes Father I believe they do

Go and find out why

Because if it was easy

it wouldn't be easy

Expansion

He expends [expands] our bounds

I'm saying ok. Think

Thinking and learning

Don't let yourself be let down

Heal: to repair

Does doing what you do

make you happy

Think healer

this is flesh and blood my heart

is beating

To come from somewhere else

is life

Did I just grab onto

something

A journey with heart

The power to learn

But since I can't do that

what will I do

The power to distill

By not being

allowed to do something

we do certain

things

To make something for

each individual

No I don't stop

thinking

Its whatever

you make out of it


To share with his friends everything he has done

Even though I am making the right choices, others can remember

I am alive

I think

I write

Anything that flows, I wonder

This is life

I can hate. That only deals with corruption. This deals with life and love

And the more I think the more I love

I am making something constructive out of everything I do

I have learned more. Thank you

Can I write a story about life, love, and people? Why return to the past

Think about us. Think about me. Think about life. Think I love you


What beautiful

bountiful lips

are these

I here

from you

to me

my lady

What beautiful

bountiful words

are these

I here

from you're lips

to mine


I've done a lot of thinking far into life, fast

I'm watching a car race

Pink, what an interesting color

He's wearing it and so is she

But the man was quivering and his knees shook

Guilt versus integrity, he stood before a woman

It's a mind journey: relating to itself or an object of an action

Recollection, memory: travel from one location to another

I'm listening and my keyboard can hear me type



***



Evil needs a shell. Evil finds an opening roosting on minds grown fallow. Sucking happily, transmuting life, feeding slowly evil fills the host till its heart stops beating.

The universe is vast and you are a reflection of the universe. You have room for every being you encounter.

Imagination is real. Creating you believe. Pluck one string here another resonates close by. People walk afraid of change. Death speaks inviting you to take a drag, walk step by step.

"Describe love?" Wada asks.

"Tender feelings we express to one another," The smart girl to Jake's right says.

"A fierce, passionate, rapturous, emotional moment," Jake chimes in.

Streets flow with want and need. Filth trickles into your brain. Coins drop for a fare. Bills trade hands. A cop turns his head. Scum shoots through body and mind tricked into wanting something that kills. Youth stops.

"How do you kill?" Jake asks.

"Most people do not have the skill to bring it off successfully. When we war, we damage ourselves. Finding love we make ourselves whole."

Wake up to what you need to be. Seeking the fabric of our universe takes time. Who holds the key too your heart?

Allowing your mind to work holistically everyone is a teacher. With life changing you always have something to learn. There is no such thing as being inflexible. Energy flows, reality and fantasy exist together.

Getting help from friends remove anger, disease and unfinished fantasies. Your mind flows with multitude of time, sometimes here other times in a different land with her. Imagination uses energy. Imagination is real. Love gives you power.

Underlying reality is imaginary reality. Your mind connects the two. Most people think imagination is daydreaming. Developing imaginary reality helps. You create and learn from what you follow. Make your dreams real. Interact with people and work things out. Get answers. With different views of humanity and different views of mind unravel the meaning of life versus making it tighter. Faith works. Your biggest debt to humanity is being human. When put between a rock and a hard place smile. Opening doors leads to understanding the universe breathing life into the world creating what others dare not see.

Always look for the best regards that way you can keep your head above water. If you go in the opposite direction expect ruin.

Light cuts through darkness. Love enters our hearts.

Forgive. Make amends. Finding the lesson can take a lifetime or be done in the blink of an eye. Ready to die proceed with love. What can possibly harm you? Remember to learn. This is an ever-going process; it takes two people to have an argument.

"Can I argue with myself?"

"No, but you can make yourself whole."

You cannot change the other person you can only help them see. By disagreeing with someone you attach yourself to him or her.

Zen: reaches enlightenment through doing.

Enlightenment: freedom from desire.

Shaman: a go-between the physical and spiritual.

Communicate: showing feelings so they are understood, providing access too.

"Everything is connected."

"Only one statement?"

"That is all I need to say."

"Couldn't you come up with something more original?"

"No."

With that, our conversation ended. I went to my bed my father went to his. By night we slept by day we argued. That would end some day he promised.

War came. No one noticed the harbingers of change. By then it was time to enlist. The reasons were simple. One nation-state lead by a particularly charismatic leader came up with a plan to acquire more land for itself. Its leader had a tool, 2.5 billion mouths to feed. We had our weapons too.

The boss yelled, screamed, ranted and raved. I stood at ease. Taking care of me everyday is a game. Life is made of layers. Keep feeding yourself even under adversity. It may not be adding but subtracting. Find balance in this world to reach fulfillment.

Looking for success he stepped out of the norm walking out of step from some.

Being happy attracts happy individuals. Not being happy alienates you. Unhappy people are usually involved in a struggle for power. Happy people seek beauty in everything, even the unhappy ones. Live comfortably in this world. Everyone has a front just like the vast corporations of the world; we all carry underlying desires.

We create our lives from natural laws. Nothing we do can break these laws.

That is the world; it is your job to survive. Rules help you win. Rules help you play. Rules give form and structure. Others write their own rules in one reality to pull strings. Write your own rules and pull some strings of your own. There is more than one reality; let imagination open the door.

People have complained about the need to get back to nature. We are nature.

Fearful people stick together spreading fear. Happy strength is stronger. It is done out of willingness not out of fear; the people were no longer pacified easily.

Make the world a game it hurts less. Do not take what others say too seriously. Take reality and add flavor to it. Forgive. Absolutes hold you back.

Power to see each person from that stance everything you take in separates you; you become splintered. Pushing forward into something, you do not know what and why, only that you are driven. What about this compulsion, what is driving us? Write honestly, that will help.

Stepping through the door events start unfolding with a new positive attitude. Look inside helping people. Review every day. Start every morning with a fresh air. Embrace honesty and remove hate. Doing, not pushing, keeping your hands off people and getting results.

Reaching inside the patient's mind this doctor had the tools to heal.

Body, mind and spirit are all connected. Seeing inside others to help us, connecting with everyone, letting the mind surface with answers the mind works holistically using everything correctly.

They were only trying to help. It's good to have a leader, but get to know you first.

This was one smart doctor. All it took was getting the patient to consider looking in a new direction opening doors and letting them walk through.

Creating new and valuable touchstones, war and mental health based on reality, it took awhile for him to open his eyes. He was welcome in making connections.

Disease replaces ease when something is unbalanced. Restoring that balance was her job.

He spoke of what hadn't been; yet anytime you moved on that action you could not change anything. Imagine seeing your destiny and not being able to change it.

Nature fills a void.

Mining for answers create something strong connecting with something good. Open your eyes. Walk softly, once we were together.

Something tried to keep moving him towards death. He chose life.

Cowards push things away. Warriors embrace them. A coward externalizes problems; they are not his problems. The warrior takes responsibility.

Senses return. Acting honestly sets you free. The centered person walks freely treating others with respect and love. Not manipulating let people find their own path. Be the one that helps. Bring good on the planet carrying the word selflessly. Meditate everyday on your way. Walk into the kingdom step by step opening the road so others may follow. Find love. Express joy. Find peace and rest. Everyday find the wellspring you have inside picturing imagination, love and peace.

You can usually learn something from the person you do not like. Looking at everything with an open mind remember past feelings, wishes do come true. Imaginary characters have real effects. Once you know the error of your ways you cannot repeat them. That does not mean you cannot recruit others to do your dirty work before finally realizing the truth.

Finding your happy place listen to your drum. Moving a thread through cloth, up down up down. Only through love can you do this.

Opening shed light on humanity. Love with feelings. To the pure, all things are pure.

You will not find happiness in a can. We are all part of the planet. What is the planet part of?

Look into the other person finding similarities. When given a hard time learn. Find a way to love the ones you dislike. Because everything is powerful and building and there is decay and rebirth. Find my happy place everyday and every night.

These kids are warriors, fluffy beginnings, give them back their power. Rich man poor man, creative power it's called blending.

Energy flow affects everything. Everything has energy and it's all moving. Electronics, your nervous system, the air we breathe, water we drink, day and night. Even a rock has energy; pushing on the ground it has found its place. Nothing is static. Change is constant.

War comes and goes. Road rage flares and disappears. Beatings occur. Children are raped, and we are here trying to find our center or destroy it. Who's in charge? What are we thinking? Individual groups, individuals, planet as a whole, inertia, who do you believe? What do you aspire too?

The balance of telling the truth makes you strong. Balance requires we attend to everything. No half-truths. You will do what is right. Do not make plans. We are plastic. This is how change takes place.

The rock pushes on the sand. The wave comes and goes. The rock will dissolve and reappear again.

Lead people. Be one of them. Join with everyone. Keep your center pure. Have happy feeling for everyone. Heal the universe. There is no one-way. We are all branches on the same tree. We are all born on the same planet.

When the dream is still there I ask questions gaining insight into events. Have dreams left you questioning? Separate fiction from reality. Fiction is ninety percent air. Make fiction read like fact.

Razor blades fly through the hall.

Grasping at pieces of reality your mind turns to dust.

Engineers ignore. Corporate power does not exist.

Controlling yourself sets you free. People sell themselves to others in a naive and greedy way out.

A pond fueled on an imaginary planet out of reach. More perish. I wandered, existence depending on me.

Humans create complexity out of simplicity. I guess they have nothing better to do classifying and organizing. When did this begin? With the Jews? How semantic! How typical.

Controlling through fear comes from an obscure source seeking light. Fear as a motivator induces pain. Love as a motivator heals and guides. Love as a fundamental facet of religion induces wellbeing and does not seek control.

I met the right human being changing everything. It's done through the heart. Anything else is useless.


Cycles

Love, life, death

Which do you care

to explore with you

In this life

I am nutty


"To see through what is and what is not can be your gift. Opening senses takes practice in various esoteric arts that, if properly applied, allow the earth and your destiny to rest in your fingertips. The quandary is, are you ready to work? Because if you don’t you will surely die, as you have been doing ever since you became disorganized. Oh I admire many of your personal traits, but that does not excuse your responsibility to your self. The more you grow and develop, improve and explore, the less and more you gain."

"Will you accept me in your heart? Please."

Pick this feather up and be forever changed was the way I interpreted a most close fate. This happened immediately after not succeeding with a young beautiful girl who rode horses for profit. Her body was in excellent shape, including her mind, but I was too far out for her. Which is why I began my story. Do we progress and develop? I think so. But sometimes we take three steps forward and two steps back.

Across the quick busy street a soft plastic sign glowed. Jake stood surprised at this open door the night before Christmas. The quiet hum of soft plastic reads let this bar entertain you and you will entertain others, its spell over one young man's head. No one saw what Jake did except for compatriots. One man staggered out. Jake walked in taking his favorite place next to the bartender quick with service.

While looking I saw through a window pain. We think so far apart. I was thinking and loving all into the same wonderland. While thinking he thought. This is my land, my kingdom, and my home. I love this sacred home. Peace today, faith tomorrow I live. This is war. While thinking a man thought. He is alive today. I think because I am.

She wakes on the street naked and alone. Standing over her I loan the young woman my leather. Zipping it into place she stands. Blood is on her lips. She speaks softly. A tear escapes her. I listen. Slowly we walk together. She walks. I follow. She likes it that way. Inviting me to join her I enter into her realm. The doors close behind us. I wait on the couch while she baths.

"This is a prayer." She says. I listen and learn, today, the next day, always. She is Shania. I listen to her. They welcome me in. I feel today I am strong, but she is stronger yet. There is more to come. The women begin chanting. Apparitions appear then float away. Coming, the seeker knocks on my door. Singing Shania enters into my world. Floating away we speak peacefully like dreams on fluffy clouds. When I am awake and alive this way Shania speaks.

"You came walking into the bar tall and stiff jointed, eyeing the young people, the old and the amusing. Everyone looked. None spoke. It was the fascinating amulet strung over a dark jacket telling some folks news of your travels."

"You appear younger than you should to most people. Being young told everyone that your clan would be white, pure and clean like the icicles hanging off your brow the day you came home with great tidings. The icy coldness and extreme warmth you keep will some day balance then you will be free to toss these cloths off. Some of the best people you knew you met at a 7/11."

"I remember what you are talking about but do you really remember my face, place, and presence? I was lost. You appeared to all, all five of you, have power. You do, all five. I hope I do not sound too overly mellow dramatic. If you do remember our backgrounds were the same and different yet always interesting, therefore all had to celebrate their oneness within and without."

This early beginning would characterize the start of our futures. Escaping the whelp lurking under our bed at night would come in colorful artistic dreams of lavender and plum berry.


I run I stumble

I walk I am at ease

What about the bridge

Bridge

The one you left last week

What happened

I don't know. I fell off. Pass the tea


It happened while playing darts. In a dimly lit room two men tossed darts aiming at a target exactly eight foot in front of them. Looking like a round wheel of cheese bearing an argyle complexion the orange and green board accepted the small steal arrows flung precariously at it. From any stance the archers take aim; they breathe and throw.


How fast can one run while pushing towards the light? He ran towards you with staff so white and blade ringing so right warned by the bell of time. She had just chimed so softly. The night was twelve.

Silence ran across his fingertips. The bell sounded louder so far away as the little town slept. Walking, pulling a grasp closer to a loved one who lived so far away. Sweat bliss while he slept the never ending sound.


It was summer again she mused. They would meet over a deep ocean filled with prayers, letting go.

This is life today.

Life begins they say.

The wind blew. Fine and fair she began. She let go. They were smiling.

On the rocks waves meet the shore touching us all. Discover surf and sand while the rain blows away again.


Remember this remember me I weep freely

Everything feels good

This feels good

She is earth

This feels good

She feels good

This is earth


I. He. We. She. I am a: I am. I am. This feels good. I am fine. I feel good now.


"Someone who I love not something that I fear. This should worry them a lot," the young satanic princess said.


Take flight

love

peace

serenity is three birds that I send

to thee

take flight

write a love poem

don’t crash on

the rocks

peace

love

happiness

light up me

fly



So here I am sitting at a bar, the day breezes out ladies waltz in. I am preparing to write my life's story. But what is a life's story? Mine has only just begun.

My last roommate and I we drank a lot. Four cases a week, a pack of Camels, Floyd, and the occasional passer by was all we needed to stay happy just a few nights longer before we left. I got stoned, or at least began to. Many times smoking dope by myself, with friends, whatever till it was done. I lay awake laughing at night. My roommate, abstaining, asked if I was all right. I would just sit there and laugh all night long.

I spoke with another old friend, just out side of the dorm, latter. The only difference between he and I was he had accepted being an alcoholic. I did not, not then.

I woke up one sat morn and new what I had to do. I am an alcoholic. I have had many days and nights thinking.

Whenever I drank I wouldn't want to stop. The drugs just kept pouring in. I'm lucky. I could have gone farther with my death. So I went out and got high or stayed in. By my self with relatives or peers I kept going. Today I continue to change. In my wake some friends return others bob helplessly.

I have a cold and its not easy to say why but I listen and learn all day and into the night, today and tomorrow. Please give me my place in this land Great Father and Mother.

My father used to fly for one of the larger Airlines. Mother was a housewife, together with me as a family. Now I live on the West coast while they remain on the east at home. I belong here on the West coast.

In Japan it is safer for a young boy to be about on my own everywhere. When I found my self on a bridge, alone, in Japan, I was not afraid. The bridge swayed up and down made of bamboo swaying in gentle breezes puffed by our mother earth. She goes around and round all day so that is why it is safer to be in one place.

I looked back from where I had come and forward to where I would be going. Would it be safer to turn back? I looked and stared from this high perch, down into the deep jungle from the tops of one crevasse from which green creped up and out. Above the sky was blue, positive, open and free. Looking behind me I could have gone to the other side of the bridge, but there was enough for a young man to behold right there. It was an amazing day. Turning I walked into the deep forest.

Another day a young boy slapped me on the cheek after I toyed with one of his firecrackers. On the way home I looked into a house and a man came out of it. With the skill of a fine surgeon he bandaged my cheek. I learned how to sit still watching how someone works. The bandage lasted for a week.

Another day I climbed a tree with the help of a man who lived near it. Waiting at the base of his tree he appeared wearing aviator glasses. Which made sense; we were living on an Air Force base at the time. He helped me into the lower branches so I could climb into the top. I came back many times. Then he disappeared too, into where I don't know.

My parents learned how to trust me going anywhere I wanted. They bought me a bicycle when I was five. I rode it everywhere. It developed into something very special. Legs pumping, heart pounding, hair flowing I was quick on my feet and like something else on the bike. I let the whole block know who I was on my bike.

No one would tell me to stop. Try, oh yes a few tried. I won.

A boy tried to make me eat worms. I threw them into his face and road away even faster. Another, we raced. I won. There was a girl, Tamara. Now she is gone too.

Tamara, I met in Japan. When my parents and I left I had the whole world at my fingertips. California became our home for a short time.

How do people learn when they are brought up? Do they learn by osmosis? I come back to it so I can learn. It’s the only way to figure out who we really are in this complex world.

By coming back to it we can learn. I can type. So what? But can I read or tell what is fiction and what isn’t. You name it is here.

Is there something better, or are we really happy? I'm not. Are you? This world is ours not to be raped but, but what? Really! Have you figured it out yet? I know I haven't. But what's a little change when so much is happening?

I looked at a praying mantis once. It was beautiful. I looked and looked and looked then crushed the bug and came home.

"Mom, what do praying mantis do?" I asked.

"Praying mantis are good bugs. They kill the bad ones," mom said.

I never ever killed another bug that big.

Then I killed my Mom's plant.

"Water is good for plants. Put water on it," mom said.

Out came the hose. I put tons of water on a plant and it died.

Later I saved an entire batch of praying mantis, recently hatched, from my friend’s foot.

"No, mantis' are good," I said.

They flew. I felt satisfied.


Another Man he was cool

He gave me a ride in his

Porsche

Brown

Black

Targa

Open

Fast

Smooth

I was young tasting it



In A Dream I Lay:

The Factory Experience

I worked in a factory a long time ago. Mist swirled on the outside of this grey red brick building lost in time somewhere I don't know or even remember. The building appeared in a dream. I was young and happy, or so I thought.

So there I was in a great grey building making widgets, toys to play with, using my hands. The light was dim with people standing working in a dream.

I was happy, or at least swore to be. Then the man, a manager, came up to me and asked, "Are you happy?"

I replied, “Oh yes I like my work."

Concerned he looked at me again and asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yes I am," I responded.

He gave me peace and sent me home. So now I write. Thank you.

I drove a great truck one day, through a jungle, over the ocean and through a sea of dirt. I was lost and driving harder and faster and no one to stop me. But then I found myself on a rock staring at the sky shaking my fist. I couldn't drive my truck any more.

I went flying and came back. In this dream I was lost, talking with myself, lost. I had all I could say and couldn't say any more. So they forced me to say what I couldn't. I ran. I ran down corridors, determined to escape but there were no exists. Only a door and I found it by closing my mind. I could listen no more and so, not hear them.

Then I discovered a Shaman. This great man seemed like no one to me. Lying in his great fortress I burned it down or, at least tried to. I couldn't kill him.

Some people tried to take advantage of me once. I took advantage of them. And here I am. They tried to use me for scandalous acts on my body young, tender flesh opening a wound wide. By letting go I could see them not. By answering a call, a man, a Shaman sat with them, and he was the quiet one. He spoke to me, and he I.

I was walking on a beach once and came across a man. His name was Shaman and he was beautiful lying in peaceful repose. He helped me. Thank you.

Then, on another beach, well actually the same one but this was another time, I came across another man with a group of friends not with me. I had my friend with learning and me. A group of friends not mine, wondering. We walked bye. I said, "Hi."

They responded. We walked past again only they were not visible. I new better or at least knew they where there.

"No, their still here Chris."

"Are you sure? How can you tell?"

I spoke to them. One woman laughed. Chris heard this. He was near. We walked away.

Standing alone I woke surrounded by nothing but light and a hand speaking to me.

"You must make a decision to go this way or that," the hand said.

I refused.

So the hand spoke to me again and said to move. I just stood there and said, "No." The dream ended.

Kate, my sister, this is what happened when she first arrived, a doll, a princess known to all. I love her, my sister. If there’s one person I love it is my sister Kate. Then there's my brother Steve. He came about just before my bad years. No, I was not bad, just, well, back to Steven, a strong brother who I hated unfortunate to say because I love him dearly.

Mom and dad decided to adopt. I have a brother and sister. Both beautiful, I love them. This is what happened. They came in after I had been alone so they changed the structure existing before they came in. Oh now I see their worth. Steve and Kate are valuable beyond years. I just hid somewhere away from them.

One's Korean, the other Eurasian. Both are growing under my careful parents tutelage.

Jacob was a beast, screwing around, fucking off, all ways lying to his parents. Stealing money to buy dope. I did that to my parents, and family. What hell I put them through.

We made up, made up my parents and I. They love me now, and I them, stronger, faster, wiser, deeper.

What were some of the things I went through before I discovered my self, that beautiful, feeling, healthy, intelligent, good-looking man? A young man, capable, matures, honest. What happened?

I left on drugs a long time ago, no one to talk too in this big place, alone with no one too.

Slammed, petrified, beat on, dead, jelly does me better. I was a wasteland, open to all coming in but unfeeling, incapable of feeling.

No one saw, only me. I new the difference but some how I had got out of touch, lost somewhere.

God almost took me away. I was almost dead walking across those busy intersections.

Higher and higher I flew from my body through the roof. "No I want to stay. Give me back my body." And she did. I was allowed back.

It was terrible. I have walked and died and been allowed to continue.

I finally wound up in a hospital. I had to return.

Ma had picked me up after the High School phoned her. I was happy, thank God did it. I could have died. Thank you.

She lived. I burned. Thank you for releasing the chains. Down, down they flowed, huge heavy ones. Great pieces of lead cast off my body. And by the force, a force, the one, I was free, a great relief. Yes you can chase me no more. I had done it. I released me. They took good care of me. Eleven days I stayed in a room with friends. I was almost not allowed in.

After eleven days I was able to live in a big house, with others like my self, freed of their enslavement. I had done it by my self, unwrapped, let up, flew, air, quickly returning. After six weeks, a rather lengthy stay, lots of therapy, twenty hours a week, many walks, friends, smoke, no beer or drugs. I did not want the medication they give. I would face my responsibility.

So I woke up, or at least began to. It took awhile, a couple of years. Finally four years of no pot, about two no beer. Was I beginning to slip? I did. I was dying, not living.

What did it take to change my mind, get me to turn the other way, to discover life? Happiness, it is much easier to live open free aware awake then like a rock splashed into ocean water again. So I woke up, made it out but didn't come all the way. Not then, no way, but where was I? Did it matter? Mom and dad opened up to me. Away went the grossness. I was let go of my old hate, walking into a new. Over and over I worked things out. Only now I had my feelings back, six weeks of no drugs does that to you. You come out of that self induce pity, a coma and hate. So I made it out, slowly, little by little, first a step here, then there. Now I am aware of life, the intricate working, philosophies, and habits of daily life as we know it. I don't listen to you any more, or them. First I test it for my self, so others can learn. Then I let it on me, for others to feel. If it's good and has no ill side effects, I use it. You may have it if you wish. It’s free, open, smooth and rolling away.

I don't lie and when I do its not me. You'll know. Any one can see a false face. We all use them from time to time. Its okay, but don't lie. It is wrong, dead wrong and a sure way to a quick ending. So don't lie if you can help it. So what do we do when we lie? Some people do it sitting in a state dead and unaware of what's going on around outside their limited area. Sight, hearing and sound are all vital organs. Use them wisely. Be here today. Live. Go out and do it today. We can get a lot done in a day. Don't slow down. You don't need it. Keep going. Find your peace. Reach, stretch and touch. Don't be afraid to take a little bit of something if it won't kill you. Take it and have an experience.

Are your having fun yet? I hope so.


Dreams From Japan

"AAAy, OOOh," the ghosts screamed. A young boy looked at them and wondered. He knew it was just a dream, the first night mare of his life. There would be many more.

The ghosts screamed and would not stop. He could not turn it off. The ghosts kept screaming in a long line up a tunnel of sorts. At first he was scared. They would not stop. The boy called for his mother and father, unable to stop the ghosts as they came towards his face, as he lay awake, yet sleeping. They kept pouring in. Jake could not win. The ghosts stopped. Mother and father heard his screams, shaking him awake. The ghosts stopped, but not his memories. Jacob would remember the ghosts and always ask, why?

Then there came the car dream. Passing by his house one lap after another he could not get out. His parents did not here his call for help. The car kept driving. Jacob could not get out or turn it off.

Again the car returned only this time Jacob was with his mother. Jacob saw the accident miles before it happened. He tried to warn her. She would not listen. The crash came. In reality my mother got into a wreck. She was ok, but it could have been avoided. My parents always told me I was not there when it happened. Why the dream?

My father and I had our backs against a barn wall. The same car was threatening us with the sound of its engine. I looked at my father staring blankly. Where would I learn?


In Between Dreams

The hot coffee had spilled on my mother all over her perfect, white dress. She was sitting with other ladies, similar, dressed just like her. I did not know she was my mother at the time. I found her and I was born.

A little bit older I had a mother and father. I waited in an auditorium, just outside of the doors of a posh movie house. Laughter came from inside. I could not join them. I sat on the couch looking for a friend. Where would I find one?


In Massachusetts, Definitely

Sitting at a large round Formica table with my mother we heard a knock. I stopped eating my cereal. I did not want them to enter, but I didn't know what they were either. The door opened. Brooms piled in, lots and lots of them. I didn't know what to do. They stood around the table. I wanted them to leave. I asked my mom to make them go. She just remained a mother.

Me eating buggers, it wasn't fun. I had a huge glob wrapped around my arm. Is this what growing up is supposed to be? I don't know.

Mom took me to a boat, a huge squared rigged vessel. She lifted me up so I could look in. But that wasn't enough. I wanted more. She could not give. The next day, with me on it, the boat moved. I was sailing alone. Actually the boat moved. I was just along for the ride. Water came over the gunnels, across the rail. The ship was healing over. I looked at the water sweeping by. I wanted to get a taste for it. It was moving too fast.

While skiing in Vermont I came across a cove, a strange one. The energy was weird. I knew that. I could tell the difference between what was usual and what was not. Several times I stopped and looked into the cove. The limbs of tress were bent over it; weighted with heavy, wet snow. That night I had a dream. A heavy twelve-foot tall snow monster appeared letting out a long never ending moan. I looked and stared and didn't have an answer. Where would it come from? The answer would come decades latter in life.

I had a birthing dream latter. That was what my mom told me it was. Alarms had sounded. I must go. Down a chute I went, kicking two small doors aside, out into a world of sterilized tile. I had been born. It was a birthing dream.

Latter, I had another dream to back this one up. I was fourteen and staring at a large black mound from which I had come. The mound represented my problems, like the buggers I had to release. I couldn't figure it out at the time. When you’re in the seventh grade people rarely listen. Finding the right people would take time.


A Little Older Now

Running through the school, the bike on my shoulder was feeling kind of heavy now. I had no idea where I was going. The hall was dead. The rooms where empty. No one was there. It didn't make sense. Was it supposed to? I held onto my bike and didn't move. Then left. There was nothing else in it for me. I had gone alone. Leaving the halls I arrived at a gas station. Dawn had broke. A pistol was in my hand. I wanted to shoot the attendant. Three shots rang out. Drawing a bead on his back I fired again. The shot rang out, but nothing happened.

The magic bus, she was spectacular. I cracked a racist joke to a rock star up front. The black man in the back, he was driving wearing dark shads and singing, smiled.

The seal on the floats was interesting. The marina was dark during this time of haze. He jumped in then arose his head through the water, peering at me, and barked. What was he saying I wanted to know? I followed. He dove and reappeared several times. Then the chase ended.

I drove a truck, faster and faster. Over the ocean, through a jungle, in a sea of dirt I finally stopped. Wheels did not move. I had been too intense. He had put me there to listen and learn. I do now. You can't drive too hard all the time.

Through the rotating fan blades I saw my mother. Damn. That one woman could. She had been the victim of my sorrows. She knew the truth. She wanted her son to grow and live and play free. Not chained down like I had been. I had much to learn.

Running through the factory building, my mom had sounded the alarm on me. She would not let her son grow to a dismal form. She wanted me to grow free. The alarm sounded and I ran free. I would not take what the authorities had to say point blank. First I had to try it out so I could see and hear and feel it. For my self-first, others could try if they wanted to. I had won, slowly. It took a while.

Hanging onto the stairs I almost let go. Looking around, the cliff was right below me, a long steep drop. I could let go. I didn't. I hang on. Don't let go if there is the slightest amount of hope. I had more. I came back to talk about.

After leaving Massachusetts I had several dreams involving shamanic work. Which makes sense I had practiced with him. The one. A shaman. Wow, what an interesting experience. What he taught in his class, and there are women shamans too so don't loose heart, he taught well. I still draw upon what he had taught. I am shaman. I learn. It is a process. He taught me and so I teach you. Instructor we are all.

What shaman taught me was this: Learn, go out, have fun. Be a part of you're self and the world. You are a part of this planet. Eat the energy and give to others. They give to us. I am a part. I live and I nurture others also.

Dante's Hill was the biggie. I had not yet had the pleasure of reading Dante's Inferno, written by an Italian author in the 1300's. But then I had a dream like this. Standing on a hill I was all alone and looking around. The hill was empty. A wolf approached me. She was vicious and snarling at me deftly. I was frightened, no doubt about it. I called on my power to help. It didn't work. I looked for my friends; people who I expected could help me out of this jamb. They remained motionless. The bitch-she-wolf stood for what I would experience, what I would go through as a young shaman apprentice. I had so much to experience.

My dreams, my dreams, what we all carry around. Be here today. Find common ground with other people, or perish.

Power animals are one. I came to another, the power objects in a shop. They were everywhere, but I did not understand them. A man and a woman looked at me. Power objects were all around for sale. Many, many of them were on display. As if this was a shop. Maybe it was or not. I don't know. I could not buy them. Power objects, totems, are not gained that way. There were many I wanted, but they were not for me. I had much to learn. Gain you're power objects here, now. There are other ways, but dreams were not meant for the average beginner. I am not.

I was growing slowly. I wanted answers. Here there were none. I did not know that at the time. I would have to go through more in order to learn.

I was talking with people in bars, the soft neon glow around them. Some men and women had power in these districts just outside of the law, but in. They got to know my face. I ordered beer, pitchers and pitchers. Then I drank and left, still empty and unsatisfied by what I had found that night. I went to many different areas. Each one differed, yet the rules were the same in those nightspots. I learned a lot. Young men have to if they want to survive.

Sucked into my own dreams I wanted to learn more. Back home I had a friend, a very important person. She has abilities most people don't want to touch. I did, both ways. Me with her and her with me, we learned together. What a process!

She left me alone on a hill near a highway. I was beginning to start coming back into society, the every day stuff. The cars were close enough to touch, but not close enough to bother me. It was life. Cars, millions of them are streaming to some destination only hours away, life.

I was looking at a house from a moat. My feet were in the water as I climbed slowly to the top. Peering over I could see the house, a huge mansion, not mine. I left.

This guy was not my friend. I call him, at best, a past associate. He helped me to injure myself. I did not have the power in me at that moment so I was left taken advantage of. He came sending me to death, slowly.

He had been the man with whom I had smoked lots of weed. Not that smoking weed is wrong, but in the wrong surroundings you can get hurt. I was, definitely, and he knows it. That's why he was able to manipulate me so well. We will never meet again without my understanding of life.

In this dream it was in a Lava playground. The stuff boiled up. He climbed. I listened. I was always their, his sidekick. My parents helped me to unwind the knots. Then I learned to take advantage of others. I am no longer unprepared and I don't fear you.


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