Excerpt for The Darkness Within by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

GONE

Gone

Just as the seasons change,

he was gone.

Gone forever

like sand through an hourglass,

like time slipping away.

Water through your fingers.

And before you know it,

it’s gone forever;

ripped from your grasp

never to be seen again.

Gone.

He left forever,

leaving behind only

trinkets and memories,

and a family

that longs for him.


FREE

Surrounded by darkness.
Surrounded by pain.
Surrounded by death.
Surrounded by destruction.

I am surrounded by all this misery,
Wondering where to go.
I see no up,
I see no down.

I see no way out,
Of this dungeon I call life.

The doors locked tight,
The windows bolted.
So alone I sit,
In this dungeon I call life.

Everyone tells me,
"The dungeon master,
He'll let you out soon."
But no matter how many hours I wait,
He never appears.

So here I am trapped,
In this dungeon I call life.

I've lost my sense of time.
Could be minutes, could be years.
All I can do,
Is muster enough courage
To make it through the next day.

My days are filled with longing
Of what used to be.
But even those memories are fading,
Slipping from my grasp.

Out my window
I watch the birds,
Flying oh so free.
How I wish I was them.

I’d soar far,
Never stopping,
Never looking back;
Not even for a moment.
Far,
From this dungeon that I call life.

I don't know when I'd stop,
Maybe I never would.
I’d fly and fly,
Until I dropped.
Knowing that for once,

I’ll finally be free.


ALWAYS AND FOREVER

There I sit,

Upon my bed,

Blades spread at my feet.

In my ear

He whispers.


"Do it"

I feel his hot breath

It reeks of blood and death.


I pick up my brush

it glints in the light.


Gliding cross my canvas;

my silver turns to red

and drips down my arm.

How beautiful

the rivers are.


Next on my leg;

this time He helps,

hatching, slashing,

chicken scratch

upon my thighs.


Eyes water,

tears cascade,

and my paint begins to blur.


In a whisp of smoke,

he disappears;

such as he always does.


Leaves me alone,

to think of what I’ve done.


Wake up,

force myself to rise;

maybe some food,

but not too much

just a piece of toast.


Got to stay thin

if i want to fit in.


Walking through the halls at school,

whispers behind my back.


"what's she wearing"

"oh my god"

"she's so gross"


Brush it off,

And keep on walking,

never let them see.


I sit in class

Trying to focus.

The girl behind me

slams her desk

into mine

just to be a jerk.

Over and over

without end

to try and get a rise.

A boy across the room

Throws paper at my head.

All the while,

The teacher just looks on.


Without a word

I walk out,

when once again

he appears.


"You don’t need them

you have me;

always and forever."


He takes me to the bathroom.

Sitting down, I cry.

From his fingers

blades hang down.


Grabbing one

I slice and slice.

Watching the blood flow.

Stains my skin,

taints my soul.


Girls walk in

"It smells like blood"

"I bet its her"

"Ew, she's so gross"

"I wish she would die"


I run out of the stall,

pushing past them.


They come after me.

Shoving me to the floor.

They all take turns kicking me

laughing as they do.


A monitor comes in

And pulls them off.

She takes me to the office.


"What'd you do?"

the principle asks

"you obviously deserved it"


I can't believe

they never listen;

not even worth my time.


I walk out,

And head back home.


"You don't need them

you have me

always and forever."


Cars zoom past;

wind rushes through my hair.

With a single shove

He pushes me out in front of the cars.

There on the road,

My life slipping away

He leans over me.


"Always and forever."


DEATH

He takes my hand

And leads me forward,

Into the unknown.


His boney fingers,

Cold as ice,

Encompass mine.


This is eternity,

This is foreverness

This is my new home.


Forever in the dark.

Screaming out

For anything,

For anyone.


There is nobody.

There never will be anybody.

Instead I hear It,

Rustling in the blackness.


Brushing up against me.

It moves quick as lightning

Too dark for me to see.

The shadow lurks.


Forever out of reach,

It touches me,

But never I it.

Just as my life.

So close yet so far.

I can remember,

But never reach out.


Always wishing,

Never grasping.

Only shadows,

Only IT.


Time passes,

How much?

Who knows.


Here time is merely a thought

A remembrance of what was.



PAIN

You say these things,

To you they’re jokes;

To me they’re cuts,

Slices in my flesh.


You say these things

Never seeing,

Never noticing,

The pain they leave behind.


You say these things

And everybody laughs.

Everybody…

Except me.


You say these things,

and I can’t help

but wonder,

If you really want me dead.


If you’re secretly waiting;

For the day

When I never return.


Cuz all you do

Is put me down.

Squashed beneath your foot

And you never notice;

The pain,

The sadness,

The cuts,

The burns…

The scars


And you’ll never care…

When I’m gone.


DARKNESS

Darkness.

All I see is darkness.


All I hear is the munching,

And crunching,

Gnashing,

And gnawing,

Bones being chewed

And teeth grinding.


The smell of blood

Permeates the air,

And makes me sick.


My wrists;

Bound tight in front of me.


I can’t move,

Barely struggle.


All the while

Hearing them eating;

Slurping at the flesh.


Slurping

Snapping

Gnawing

Crunching


Bones being ground

To dust in their teeth.


I feel a hand pick me up

My head held between two fingers

A sudden jerk

A loud snap.

And all I see is darkness.


HAPPY

Here I sit,

And alone I think

Of all the days gone by.


All the nights spent

Crying myself to sleep.


Every morning

With too little energy

To pull myself from bed.


Everyone tells me

It’ll get better soon.

That one day

I’ll wake up happy.


But for years,

I’ve dreamt of such a day.

And for years,

That day has never come.


Instead I cry myself to sleep.

And lie there in my bed,

Dreaming of the day,

That’ll I’ll finally be happy.


And yet,

In the back of my mind,

I like the sadness;

And the pain;

And the longing;

For what could be.


For it drives me,

To write my poetry.

And it gives me hope,

That one day,

I’ll finally...


Wake up happy.



WHITE ROOM

“You need it”

They said

“It’ll help you”

They said


But all I see is white

My arms bound around my sides

As I lie there on the padded floor

Waiting for my meds


Maybe today they’ll let me out

Let me feel the sun on my skin

I’ve lost track of how long it’s been


It’s been so long,

My skin is almost as white

As the worn old jacket.


Some days

I can’t tell

Where the walls end

And the floor begins


And some days,

I can’t tell

Where the room ends

And where I begin.


Because after all this time

Just padded walls,

And meds,

And the occasional meal.

It almost seems

As though I am the room.


Off in a corner,

Nobody cares,

The forget about us.


THE STORM

It was cold,

And dark,

The thunder crashed;

As though the gods were mad.

The lightning like a camera’s flash.


My sister crying,

The dogs howling.


Father boards up the windows,

And puts sandbags at the doors.


Mother in the kitchen,

Grabbing all the food she can.


They sweep us up,

And take us to the basement.

Dogs following at their heels.


We hear the wind screaming,

Telling us to hide,

Take shelter;

Before it rips us all to shreds.


We sit,

Huddled in the dark,

Hoping it will pass.


Waiting

Wishing

Hoping


Thunder crashes,

Lightning flashes,


The sounds of the neighborhood

Being torn apart.

I hear screams.

Even through the thick cement walls

Of our basement,

I hear the shrieks

Of women and children.


Hours later,

When it’s finally calm,

We crawl from our basement.


To our surprise,

Our house no longer stands;

Bits of rubble strewn about

Are all that’s left of it now.



BUBBLES


Through teary eyes
I watch the world rush by,
And I know.
That no matter how hard I try,
I'll never be a part of that world.
I've always been separate,
The black sheep of the world,
Alone in my bubble.

I wait.

And watch.


Wishing I could break free.
Wishing I could pop my bubble,
But you see;
For no matter how hard try
And pound upon my bubble
All it does is bow,
And then reshape
Back to how it was.

I'm forever trapped,
In my own universe.
Watching as the rest zoom by,
Never noticing my tiny,
Little
Bubble.


LOVE TURNS TO PAIN

She awaited his words,

As a dog awaits food.

In his hands, he took her face;

Into her eyes his gaze did fall.

A face frozen of emotion.

He uttered those simple words.


“I don’t love you”


And as his hands fell to his sides,

Her heart fell to the floor

And broke into a thousand pieces.

For years she was devoted

To his every wish and whim.

And with those four simple words

Her world came crashing down.


At home she sits and thinks.

Had he EVER loved her?

Or was it just a mirage?

An illusion to the world.


All those dates,

And all those gifts,

Just a sick and twisted game.

Playing with her emotions,

All because he could.


In her secret box,

she finds her beautiful silver.

How it glints in unseen light.


She pulls one out,

Held steady betwixt her fingers.


She breathes in deep,

And places it on her skin.

Sliding it gently,

Her unseen silver,

Turns to ruby red.


The rubies pool upon her skin

Cascading down her arms.


As the rubies drip,

So fall her tears;

Mixing with the rubies,

Turning them to amber.


Every thought, another line

Forever on her flesh.

Every memory, another scar

Forever on her heart.


Tears fall, cuts bleed

And her heart begins to sink.


All the while all she hears,

Are those four little words.

“I don’t love you”

“I don’t love you”

“I don’t love you”

Echoing inside her skull.


Her sheets stained,

With ruby drops.

Her cheeks stained,

With tears.

Her heart stained,

With misery.


No more space on her arms,

No more space on her thighs,

She sits and watches the blood.


It blurs her skin,

As her tears blur her eyes.


A lake of blood upon her bed,

Fogginess invades her head.


She lays down,

Awaits her fate,

Finally at peace.


And then…

Black.


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(Pages 1-18 show above.)