Excerpt for Hopeless love by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Copyright © 2017 by Kerdel Ellick

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Table of contents

Title page




I wish

Can’t be loved

Love turns to lust





Kerdel ellick


She has no need for my love

A thumping heart and a fainted voice.

I am always enchanted by your charming brown eyes,

While being ramshackle and raided by my very own thoughts, needs and wants.

The words I desperately want to utter,

But I simply cant voice—

Because I dont know how,

And I’m frightened of your response.

I’m ready to give up all of my belongings to have your fair body in my arms—

I crave to have our fingers intertwine as my lips explores yours.

But this love of mine is like a double-edged sword—

It might bring me downright joy,

Or hurt me and make me wonder about my own choice.

But love can’t grow without a sacrificial contributions,

And I’m willing to relinquish whatever needs to be given.

Do you care about me?

Do you believe theres something called true-love?

Has the word unlovable been branded on me;

Perhaps somewhere my eyes are unable to see?

Or has it become impossible to occupy that space in your heart?

Or are you attempting to crumple and rip my love apart because of her?

That heartless creature who left me in despair and lost the in dark;

Battered and bruised with no chance at love—

While her happiness stayed intact and attached,

As she slowly faded into the dark;

Before making her way into another mans arms.

It cant be that Jezebel and so called Ingènue you talk about?

I forbid it, it cant be that evil lass.

With you Its very different; things tend to last.

You dont use my words to outline an attack;

And I dont feel shackled to the words I have said in the past.

But this love is unwelcome,

Yet I am allowed to briefly relish the staggering moments in my creative land

The moments I can not have in actuality.

Maybe its time to give up—

Perchance its time to face the truth;

And walk away with a fake smile and an unrepairable aching heart—

Whiling traveling down an unchosen path.

I hate the truth,

I hate your vile smile,

I hate it when you act like I am unparalleled—

I hate looking into your horrendous Brown eyes.

I hate seeing your bare lips that only tease me,

And I hate being denied.

But my hatred always turns into love,

And my love only hates the fact that I am not the one in your heart.

I simply cant stand these thoughts:

Another man gently touching those fluorescent lips I’ve claimed as mine,

Before tasting the secret liquid you secrete as he brushes his mucky lips against my pristine property.

Grrrr! Yall passionately kissing while holding hands,

Drives me insane.

Am I not good enough to be called yours?

Should I break your frail heart with my ribald ways,

And play it off as if it was just a dim game?

Should I!?

Or should I mask my emotions that I can’t explain?

Because my blissful dreams of you has changed—

Its now a nightmare I cant escape.

I cant stand it anymore—

I never could have when I realized I had fell deeply for you.

I blame you for this!

You should have given me a sign,

Anything would have been worthwhile

But instead you turned a blind eye to your own sentiment,

And acted as if the feeling itself was nothing more than a minor injury that required lesser attention.

I pity your choice

Now the feelings you once had has found its way into my heart;

And I refuse to let go, or take it apart.

Let me tell you something you may already know:

Day by day my feelings grew for you,

But now It has gotten to a point where I cant stop dreaming nor thinking about you.

I have gotten rid of your captured moments,

I had no other choice;

For it was eating away at me with every chance it got.

I have lied and tired to hide behind my words as if it was a curtain

You would act as if youre utterly confused,

when you have noticed.

What will I do?

How would I react when I hear those words?

And I wonder if you have wondered about it too.

The Words I wish never escape from your mouth.

Words that will thwack me,

And leave me lying on the ground;

Not just in clear tears

But also in sanguine ones.

Youre not that crazy they say,

Not crazy to do what?

Not crazy enough to do what I want?

Or not crazy enough to put an end to it all?

To end my suffering,

My endless thoughts,

To end the flow of my emotions and become as soiled as a rock.

Her bare lips, mushy hands, curly dark hair and brown eyes—

Its like I am Cursed,

Unable to seize what I want to make mine

But I am chained to a fate I want to eagerly escape and rewrite.

I cant continue being kind,

As I watch the girl I love be snatched and wed by some other guy.

I cant be something as simply as a friend,

Not now, not even when the world is about to end.

I just cant stop loving you,

No matter how many times you say—

But we cant be anything more than what we currently are - friends.


What must I do to gain your love?

Should I endeavor an unachievable task;

Or perhaps I should accompany you daily and bombard your ears with my famous expressions?

Will that excite but at the same time overawe you?

If not, what tedious task must I attain to be empowered to immerse your desirable lips with my watery fluid?

I love you, I love you, I truly do.

My words may not be convincing;

Because they can not be assisted by actions,

Nor can it be exhibited

Because the only spectator have no need to see, or experience such thing.

Are my words not enough to reignite the passion that was extinguished by my very own hands?

Hands I gaze at every now and again;

And wonder why they didnt waver when I chose wrongly on that day.

A nightmare, an inescapable one -

Never-ending torment as the moment plays time and time again.

What am I suppose to do about this undying love?

Am I suppose to conceal it with a forged smile;

Or perchance I should put on an act for our friendship that is consequential?

Why should I continue being so kind to someone who is frightened by the words regret and compassion;

But have the audacity to stare into my eyes with those coquettish brown eyes?

Maybe I should take what’s mine without your favor.

I rather be beaten senseless by you and be left without a profession;

Rather than backing away from someone I need in my life.

I hunger your attention and affection.

I refuse to be labeled as a non-achieve

Especially one who has sang I love you so many times in different formats.

Truthfully, have my chance really been defiled?

Is there no hope for this undying love and hopeless man?


Maybe it might have been different if I wasn’t arrested;

And held as a brainless hostage by that lass.

Maybe if she didn’t replenish me with bliss,

Without a single touch, or capturing me with her enticing smile, or separating her exquisite lips, or gesturing me with her eyes.

Maybe then I might have been liberated from these unpleasant chains:

Love, memories, hate, rejection and pain

These are chains that keeps me bonded to that heartless, but yet dainty maid.

Sometimes I blame my eagerness and easily pleased ticker

For they are the ones who generated this crazy commotion;

And responsible for my inescapable fate.

Under the brightness of the bulb,

Faster than emitted light itself;

My heart instantly began throbbing for this stranger standing ahead of me.

Strange, but not so strange in a way I can’t seem to explain

All I knew was that it was love at first sight;

But fearful and electrifying at the same time.

Fearful, because I was unaware of this stranger’s standing;

And ignorant of the relationship y’all shared.

In my eyes, She was without a doubt claimed by someone equally wicked.

Electrified - for the night was long but not lonely,

Because it was accompanied by the moon;

And me by the eye-catching beaut you knew.

she smiled after noticing my secret eyes

My eyes felt like warm spaghetti after being found out;

As my heart portrayed a streamlet on a hurricane day.

She was a masterpiece being put on a grand display;

As the radiant light made her never seen before beauty irresistible.

Perchance she was a trap magnificently designed and placed for an utter foolish man

Maybe for someone like me, who was waiting to ruin his chance.

Someone who wanted all he could see;

But was unknowledgeable about the pain it might bring

Someone who might regret avowing to such a masterpiece.

A piece I succumbed to as my eyes laid upon its beauty.

A memorable day that have stamped itself in my brain as a regretful day

Repeating itself over and over again -

Viciously tormenting me everyday.

Then came the day when it all came to a sudden end

I became one with the beatific masterpiece as my chance for your hand came to an instant end

But it didn’t take long for me to get swept off my feet;

As I slowly realized that the lass was indeed a deluding masterpiece.


No one can tell the future;

Although I have wished for it.

I am in need of an ability

One that allows me to see what people truly desire and need.

Maybe then I would be able to see what you are keeping hidden from me

And that your words are nothing more but flawless pretexts to restrain yourself from unraveling the ropes wrapped around your heart;

Hindering it from running to me.

Is accepting me wrongdoing,

Or is it because of her?

That marauder who spoke of freebooters,

But left me trailing after her?

I am sick and tired of these questionable things:

love, friendship and life

I want to be able to differentiate what is actual from what is lie.

I question our friendship at times

Are we actually friends?

Or am I just here portraying a kind guy until the day you say yes?

I am addicted to you and this blissful love

My mentally is slowly fading,

To the point where my mind has ceased functioning.

I have reached that point where

all I can see is unrealistic things.

Some may say I am crazy,

And somewhat indifferent.

Some might agree with me,

When I say that I am nonchalant.

I am tired of being battered and wounded deep within.

I want to by all means avoid getting hurt.

What is love?

To me love is like a good-looking cup of unknown tea,

But you taste the hidden resentment when it touches your lips.

I love you

These words can convert the strong to the weak,

And batter you until you bleed.

No one can survive these words when it makes its way in

Are we the ones dabbling with love,

Or are we the ones being played with?

But when it comes to us;

You are love and I am the one being played with.

Can’t be loved

This is the only way I can enjoy your company in peace;

But its not the way Id hoped and wished.

Without a doubt you are what I truly seek—

Someone who makes me chuckle when I am burning within.

Someone who completely decimates me with what I need:

Love, warmth, affection and benignity.

I have never been the one whod get addicted to living things,

But here I am slowly becoming, if not addicted to thee.

Storing your moments has become an infamous hobby—

One that is intoxicating and sometimes eerie.

Gazing at you has become a daily routine—

This might be the reason why I dream of thee so frequently.

I gently touch your face as I move to another,

Only to be caught of guard by your odd facial expression.

Three failed attempts at a smile that makes it seem as if you are down and unfree—

Four beautiful ones I have yet to see.

Charming bare lips I wish I could kiss,

And a pair of hands mine fit perfectly in.

Blue T-shirt, dull gaze and a dazzling chain,

Your facial expression says I would rather be some place else.

Blue T-shirt and a half-done winsome smile,

I cant help it but get captured by it and those alluring eyes.

White button down, different settings,

Yet another unfinished smile—

Accompanied by an enticing gaze that makes me shy.

White top and a dissimilar hairstyle—

One that flawlessly accommodates your forever ravishing smile.

I cant go on without tears cascading from my eyes,

But I cant say anything because its part of my life.

I may sound and seem like an unheroic guy;

But you are wrong—

It is because you’re not by my side.

All I want and need is you—

I know I need to be a little more realistic here,

But what can I do?

I get excited when it comes to you—

You are that one person I can never say goodbye to.

I know its a dream that will never come true;

And I know I cant be loved the same way I love you.

I am selfish and only think of myself,

But it cant be helped.

Maybe I need to distance myself,

And come back as a complete stranger.

Maybe then I might get a chance to be by your side,

And be allowed to kiss the lips that has tormented in person,

More than it has in my dreams.

Love turns to lust

Just like a infant I fed my hunger, as my unsettled feelers slowly forced opened your light-colored gates

Making it possible for a successful infiltration of your unblemished capital.

I immediately wanted to loot you of your dearest,

But I made my feelers wonder around to make you more aware of my presence;

And to let know you were powerless and defenseless.

One feeler made its way through your entrance

Yet you didn’t scream, nor did you relentlessly beg for forgiveness;

In hope that we would retreat empty handed.

But you were able to take on my feeler without a problem

I would have applauded your mettle,

But my other hand was busy fetching the battering ram;

While you were anointing my feeler with your oily substance.

You caused this uproar,

So I gave you what you called for.

You screamed and put up a fight

But you surrendered when you realized that your efforts only made it more pleasing in my eyes.


Hes without doubt a foolish young man,

One who’s sometimes obstinate, vacuous, delusional and a little hard to understand.

A young man who desires and loves a girl—

One who doesnt desire, nor love him in return.

A young man who continuously displays his love as if it doesnt hurt,

As if its just a simple joke where no harm is ever done.

He knows there isnt a chance to create any romance,

Yet he refuses to dispose of the thought and understand.

Perchance he might become lucky and be given a chance,

To hold her hands - get lost in her prepossessing stare,

And kiss her beautiful bare lips while running his fingers through her hair.

If not, he will continue to suffer by his own hands,

Way more than he can actually withstand.

Perchance hes truly a foolish young man,

Who’s blinded by the word love and by chance.

He should have swiftly ended it when it began,

At its early stage,

Before it even got out of hand.

At times I believe hes in a trance,

Because he went from kissing her lips imaginarily,

To begging for her hand—

Hes truly a foolish young man.

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