Excerpt for Untapped Untouched Unfelt by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

1.Empty Soul

I've got nothing to write

So I'll lay my empty soul bare for you to witness




2.Your Expectations

Your expectations have:

Put me on a pedestal

So high in the sky

But you should know without wings

I cannot fly.


They have:

Fashioned out of me

A person that cannot exist

Who I am not

But cannot resist.


Your expectations have:

Wounded me

To no relief

They have hurt me

Beyond belief.


I had no expectations of you.

No boxes to fit you in.

All I had were open arms

To accept you

In all your forms.


You had them of me

I had none of you

You bask in that glow

While I shiver in your cold

Icy as the snow


Your expectations have:

Led to this atrophy

As I write this soliloquy

Endless is my restlessness

A soul in flight of hopelessness


You expected,

I indulged.

I'd have none to blame for my soul's demise.

So be it foolish or be it wise

I walk away, my soul a prize.




3. Heart to Mind

Let's have a heart to mind,

just you and I.


You know me,

but I am you.

You forget that sometimes,

when you get caught up in the superficial.


We grew up together, but away from one another

You thought yourself into a corner.

I felt myself into a rut.

We're constantly pulling apart.


We're the same person, but

my emotions are so big and your logic too narrow

to occupy the same space

We're alive together, but each exist alone.


You take over the day,

and I can only come out by night.

You are what they want to see,

but I am who you should really be.


Is there a way to reconcile

the dreams I misplaced and the ambition that you found?

Could we ever find that common ground

we lost between two separate lives lived as one?


We could come together,

Heart and Mind.

You'll tell me your fears,

and I'll show you my tears.


So, let's have a heart to mind,

just you and I.

Because I am you,

and you are me.


Mind meet heart,

and heart meet mind.

4.Right Person, Wrong Place

I found her,

cowering in a corner

too afraid to come outside,

for she feared the burn of the rays of the sun.


I awoke to her,

in the morning light.

She was freshly dazed and so unaware

it was too late to warn her as

my right eyes met her wrong gaze.


Her intentions were pure.

Happiness for them was her lure.

Somewhere along the way she forgot her pace.

Somehow she wound up in the wrong place.


Her soul was too bright

for its pitch black disposition.

Her kaleidoscopic soul was

obscured by their monochromatic vision.


Never was there a darker place,

She stumbled there, between hell and dreams,

She knew who she was, but not where to go.

Confusion and recklessness tore her in one blow.


She wandered off her path.

Starry eyed, she followed her heart

right to the thing that broke her apart.

She was left lonely in the aftermath.




5.Her and I (Me vs. Her)

I only meant well for us.

To follow their path, was to build our future.

So ahead I went,

Doing what I thought was best.


Quietly she watched

As I put together someone else’s dream.

I didn’t know I was using parts of her

To cement their walls.


I did what I thought was best for us,

I paved our path so we would never struggle.

I didn’t know she felt so stifled.

I had no idea it was far from what she wanted.


She didn’t fight me before,

Not until now.

But it’s too late,

We’re too far down this wrong road

to turn back now, and go right .



6.Suicide Note

If I'm dead, then I'm sorry.

Don't cry though,

This is what I wanted.

Don't be angry either,

I just...

I couldn't do it anymore.


If I'm still alive but critical,

Don't keep me alive, tethered by machines

I don't want to be.

I held on as long as I could,

fought all the demons I would

But I just...

I couldn't do it anymore.


I'm sorry.


I'm sorry your hopes and your dreams were wasted on me.

I'm sorry your love and your time was spent on me.

I tried you know,

difficult as it was, I tried

But I just...

I couldn't do it anymore.


I'm sorry I'm not as strong as I should have been

I'm sorry I fell apart from only half of what you've carried with you your whole life.

I'm sorry I can't be for you what you were for me,

A rock, a shield....always there.

I'm sorry I was just another disappointment in your life,

Another should've been, but never will be.

But I just...

I couldn't do it anymore.


You should know though, that I was always grateful.

Grateful to have you

Grateful for this mind

And even grateful for this heart that always felt too much

Gave its all but got none

It just...

It couldn't do it anymore.


Even at this end, I have hopes

I hope that in all our time you felt my love.

I hope that in all our days you saw my gratitude.

I hope that in all my struggles you knew, knew that they were for you

And mostly I hope that with all these words

Written in blood, spoken through tears

That you understand my grief...

That you can feel my pain...

Because I need you to know

I want you to understand that I just...


I couldn't do it anymore



7.Hurt for You


I'll hurt for you


I'll stand here,

unmoving

while you scream and punch

and I'll take it.

I'll take whatever you throw at me

because when I said through it all


I meant.

through the dark clouds that surround you

I meant

through the coal that stings the soles of your feet

and the blood that drowns your lungs and muffles your screams.

I meant it when I said

through it all.


You want to lose me.

It's a dare, I see it in your eyes.

You want to prove that nothing beautiful can come from you

But it already has.

You loved me when I could not love myself.

You understood when no one else could.


Something beautiful did come from you.

We came from you.

I became, from you.


Now I will prove that something wonderful can come from me.

I will calm your fears,

and dry your tears.

With my love you will thrive.


I will cry your rivers for you.

Even cross them if you want me to.

I'll do anything for you.

I will bare your pain, and heal those wounds,

that are engraved like runes

until you do not hurt anymore.

8.The Company I Keep


The sadness sits behind me,

a looming dark cloud ready to pour its showers.

It never leaves me.

It just sits and waits for when I stop pretending

and start comprehending

what it sees in me, that I hide from myself.


The loneliness looms over me,

ominous and foreboding.

It whispers to me,

visions of souls together, one in love

soaring like a dove.

I hope for it, but won't fully believe in it.


This emptiness aches in me.

It's a black-hole void with no escape.

I cannot laugh it away.

I can only wait for life or death to claim me.

They are the only things that could save me.

I can only wait for it to make sense.


These memories hold me hostage,

remembrance a painful bout of nostalgia.

The closing of eyes will not take them away.

The burning of pictures will not destroy them.

They are there forever,

ingrained in my soul.


The past stands before me,

angry and screaming,

"Wake up and LIVE!" while I sleep and dream.

My nightmare's come to pass,

All that I hold will have me gone,

desolate

but for the sorrow in my reflection.


The future lays quietly beside me,

heaving sobs for what could have been.

"We were so ALIVE, you and I," it sighs, heart heavy.

But I am no longer there.

Somewhere in the midst of it all

I was lost, never to be found.



9.Your Martyr

I'm walking around with a protective casing

that says,

"You can't possibly think less of me than I think of myself."

That's what's carrying me today.


But what about tomorrow?

When your misperceptions

turn into my truths,

what then?


Will you wear my shell

like a medallion, on a chain?

Another one you've cut down to size?


Or will you adorn it

like armour?

Protection from your ghosts?


They scare you,

so you haunt me

an outlet for all you could never be


Call me your martyr

because I'll let you.

I'll let you use me

to fight them off.


I'll be nothing,

so you can feel something.

I'll be the no one

who teaches you to be someone.



10. Void

I'm holding this pillow tighter and tighter,

as if to meld into one with it.

Like it can somehow fill in this void, where I used to be.


I feel so underwhelmed by the sadness.

I feel as though I carry so much more of it inside of me,

untapped, untouched and unfelt.


I feel almost volatile.

Like the day is coming when this dull numbness in my chest will be

lit like a match in nitroglycerin,

and everything will come down in explosive flames.


I don't want it to be later though.

I want it to be now, because the worst torture,

the illest of feelings for me,

has been this feeling of nothingness.


This black void is aching

in a way no other pain ever has,

and probably ever will.


I long for that sadness that I have more than once forsaken,

because it felt more like living,

in emotion, in heart and in soul,

more than this emptiness.


My tears run cold.

There's no emotion to heat them,

just icy coldness right in the centre of my bosom.


I hate this.

I hate it more than any ache I've ever felt.


I don't want to be empty.

I want to be full again.

Whether it's happiness or utter sorrow,

I will take it

because I know I can't choose.


But suffer me to feel something other than this

blankness of soul,

void of heart,

and screaming of mind.


Give me something.

Anything.

I'm suffering.

The worst kind of suffering.

The kind of suffering where the misery exists but goes unfelt.


What is that?

Is that even life?

Or is it just part of a game?

Amusement for some deity in the sky?

A Pointless game.


Suffer me to feel,

or suffer me to die.

But I'd rather not live so empty a lie.



11.Who Are You by Day and Night

The silence echoes around me

The darkness whispers to me,

“Who are you in this dead of night?

Are you the same person you were in the day?

Or has that façade fallen away?”



12. The End

I want to say,

"Love me, and it will be enough"

But "enough" would mean there's a limit to my endless need.

There isn't.


I want to tell you,

that your arms are all the protection that i need

But I can't .

Because what haunts me cannot be fought off with fists.


I want you to win the battle for my heart.

You won't though,

because it's a war

you're ill-prepared to fight


Though you don't,

I need you to see that

I'm drowning.

I've become too good at hiding.


Will you find me?

Or did I lose you?

Was I broken?

Did I break you?


You were what I wanted,

I was never what you needed.

I didn't know I was taking

more than you were giving


I see now


that you were trying to fix

what can never mend.


I knew then


that I should have let go,

but I held on too tight still


because you were my rising sun

while I became the falling of your dusk.


We were never meant to be

it took forever but now I see

that door has closed,

your heart has shut

you leave me here

lonely and in a rut.


13.Suns and Rain

Look how the rain falls

it gives life but goes unnoticed.


Watch how the sun rises

Everyone knows it's there because it's the loudest.

I am like the rain.

I fall to my knees and rise again, unseen.


They are like the sun.

Their piercing cries are all I hear, so I fight to make them disappear.



14.Tapestry

You see self-inflicted scars

I see a self-documented tapestry

Of all the things I have felt


You see blood,

I see scarlet toned paint

Telling all that I have been through but never said.


You would feel it as pain,

I feel it like life

Proof that more than breath is what I’m capable of.


It will heal like shame, but

I’ll remember it as a note

A reminder for when I have forgotten my strength.



15.Moon Stay

Come find me.

I'll be at the end of my bed,

Waiting.

Waiting to feel like something,

Waiting to feel like someone.


Failure has stripped me of all my dignity.

It's taken from me my freedom.

I've nothing anymore but to live on what I'm allowed.

Live on what I'm told.


To grow up was a dream.

To be here now is a terror of the night.

I'm raw from screaming,

I'm hollowed out from crying.


Why can't the night stay?

I know nothing is forever,

And people always leave.

But why can't the moon stay like I need it to?


I need it to cloak me in darkness.

I need it to hold the sun down while I pick myself up

And dust myself off

from this.




16. Suffocating

The starkness of the feeling was like
black on white or
neon in the dark.


She was suffocating.


It felt like unexpected contact with a flame,
or a sudden flood to the lungs.
There was no way to miss that it was there.


It just was and she had to feel.


She had to deal with the clawing ache,
And the pressure of a life and a soul that could never coincide
like she was water to lungs, where only air was supposed to reside.


She had to deal because even though it was never her intention,
to end it took a courage she could never mention.

She could never harm what didn’t belong to her.

Yes she was her own,
But she was born from another.

She was alive because of her mother,

and she owed her her life, at least.


So she stayed,


Chained like a slave 
To the dragging of her life
Loathing every day
Weeping away all of her nights.

It was a cage with no escape,
no hope and
no light
Just endless restlessness
She could never fight.


17. Strong

You've martyred yourself for too long.

You've lain down your sword,

only to have them step over you as though you were nothing.


It's time to rise like the warrior you were born to be.

It's time to stand and fight for what you are and what you believe.

Show them the strength you've muted at their feet.


18. Fickle Heart

The people that have loved me have loved me well,

so thorough,

so pure,

so unbelievably true.


So why then is this fickle heart still in search?

because she's looking for what isn't hers,

what belongs to others,

that she never deserved.




19. Love Note to Self

For all the disparaging remarks I make,

I do love you.

I only blame myself for never giving you the chance

to be who you were meant to be.

I hated you for not being who they wanted you to be,

but that was by no fault of yours

it was mine.

With every day and every minute

you're teaching me to accept you for

the thoughtful,

the kind,

the selfless,

the mindful

and the gentle soul

you are.

With every month and every year

you're getting stronger.

You're fighting me for all the wrong choices

I've made for us

and you're showing me who you can really be.


I could never hate you for that.

I can only love you all the more.




20.Plea

My only crime was to love you.

And love you I did.

It was in the way I smiled from the soul with you.

The way my heart wrapped itself around you

and held on tight.


My only sin was that I adored you.

And adore you, I always will.

It will always be in the sad glint in my eyes

when you walk by with someone else

hands held tight.


My only vice was the way I needed you.

I need you, still.

You drew me out when the darkness shrouded me.

You held me close when the loneliness captured me

But now I'm lonely again.


My only plea is to be loved again.

The way that I thought you loved me.

The way I could swear I will always love you.

The only way that could heal this broken heart.

My only plea is for you to return

your heart to me.


21. Sleepless (I Did Not Sleep)

Morning glow falls on quiet streets.

Most are waking from peaceful sleep.


But not me.


My eyes aren't fresh to the morning,

as the faces of the now waking.


No.


My eyes were awake.

Watching in the night while others dreamt of the day.

These eyes that saw with the heart, the horrors of the world

While to the rest breaths came steady, blinding them with sleep.


I lay sleepless.

A shepherd of countless sheep.

I stayed watching as midnight terrors danced in mirrors

Showing fears so deeply buried



22. Bloody Tears

I bleed tears and

I cry blood.

No cut goes ungrieved

And no pain aches unbled.

My anguish is marked by scars on my skin and

My wounds are viscerally felt.



23.My Catharsis

They flow blue in me,

Like rivers carrying liquid full of life.

They dare me to drink from them.

Just a drop to ease my trouble and strife.


As I lift my silver chalice,

Ready to drink from the ebb,

The sharp tang of a lie bittersweet on my lips

Tells me, “It will be okay.”


Just a drop will satiate this burning ache.

It will put out the fires in my mind that refuse to die

And sedate my heavy soul.

Still, they whisper, “It will be okay.”


You ask me why I do it?

Because when my insides are aflame

And my heart is atrophic

It becomes my only distraction.


There’s not a moment’s reprieve,

So this is my solace.

It is my catharsis,

The reassurance that I need.


It proves that life still flows in me,

Though dead is all I feel.

Like the these engravings will eventually heal,

It tells me that someday, it will be okay to feel.



24. Undeserving

You don’t need to be here.

You could be with the stars

And yet here you are, with me

For all my inadequacies,

I feel most (un)deserving of

You.



25.Hurt Heart

When I say I love you,

It won’t ever be a lie.

It could never be,

Because when I loved you then

I did so fiercely and truthfully,

My whole being laid bare.

That kind of love doesn’t just dissipate.

This kind of love won’t ever cease.

But,

When I say it now it will be different.

It will be distant,

Because when I neared you with trust,

You threw my shortcomings at me

And put your baggage between us.

I could have fought for you.

I would have fought for you.

I just could never fight against you.



26.Damaged

All I feel is damaged
Pieces of me lay scattered all around,
one for him,
and one for her.
One for the one who is yet to come.

I've hurt for a thousand.
I have felt for a million.
I have cried for too many,
but never for myself.

I've dreamt their dreams.
I've woken to their terrors,
I've lived their lives a dozen times over,
But never have I lived mine.

I've picked up your jagged pieces
And put them together
This blood and these scars - littered on my hands - 
are proof that
I've used pieces of me to fill in your spaces.

Now you're whole but I'm left in pieces.



27. Dark In My World

It's gone dark in my world again.


For a while it looked like i would see the light.

For a moment it looked like the sun was ready to break the horizon, finally.

But just as it was about to, the moon took its place.


I'm in darkness again, just like I was before.

It may even be darker this time because I know now.

I know now that regardless of what I try to believe, there won't be an end to this eternal void.


I know because I watched hope start to take over.

I cheered from the sidelines wishing against knowledge that it would win.

And then I watched it fumble.


In a moment of weakness that hope crumbled to nothing

and the dawn that was breaking turned to a midnight blue

with not a single light for a guide.


It's pitch dark again.


I hope that one day hope will take me again.

I have faith that one day hope and I will realise what dreams and happiness mean.

I hope the sun will come up again, one day.





28.Like Rain

Do I like rain because like me,

it screams so loud,

wanting to be heard and

needing to be acknowledged?


Do I feel it so much because like others,

it drenches through my soul,

leaving me heavy

and weighed down?


Do I need it so much because like tears,

it touches something within me,

fills me with emotion then

washes it all away?


Do I want it or

does it need me

to feel accepted?



29. To Drown

What is it to drown?


It feels a lot like being smothered.

The breath is stolen from you,

and while you fight for life,

everyone around you remains unbothered.


It sounds a lot like white noise.

Piercing screams and shrill cries

that go unheard

while you feign poise.


It looks a lot like empty eyes.

They reflect a vacant soul

whose demons have won

and whose will eventually dies.


It tastes a lot like saline tears.

Salty like the sea,

their depths as cold and blue

as the loneliness that leers.


To drown is to sink.

The more you fight the deeper you fall.

It’s not a nightmare or a kink.

It’s trying to float while shackled to an iron ball.



30.Intuitive Fabrications

Sometimes I see things.

I call them the imaginations of a feeling mind.

They’re alternate realities of what people want others to see.


Some call it intuition.

I call it fabrication.

Because how can I see something that is concealed?


It is in the twitch of a smile,

the narrowing of the eyes

that I see this hidden reality.


And then it haunts me.

It haunts me like the pain were my own.

It keeps me up at night as though the burden were mine to bear.


I call them imaginations, but how can that be?

How can fabrications break my heart?

How can a conjuring stutter my breaths?


How can these fabrications steal my sleep

And rule my heart

If they are not real?





31. Worst Cruelty

Oh how cruel life was.

It wouldn’t let her run when she begged for release from its chains.

Days were spent on her knees

in constant prayer for life’s most permanent reprieve.

But it held on tight,

claiming her as a prisoner of a war she was never a part of.


Then one day,

as sudden as waking,

the sun was shining and her soul was singing.

The rain had stopped and bells were ringing.

They told of all that she had been through to arrive here

at this place of happiness.


As sudden as her waking

it was in that moment’s contentment

that her earlier prayers were given answer.

An answer she no longer ached for.

One she realised too late she no longer wanted.




32.Crying

Yesterday I cried.


For all that was broken

Long before its wounds began to bleed.

I cried because

I had become regret's token.


Last night I was still crying


For the empty space in my bed

And the warmth that was no longer there.

I cried because

Love was dead.


Today I am still crying.


I cry for morning's promises coming undone

and the pledged relief not delivered by dawn.

I cry because

Healing never came with the rays of the sun.


Tomorrow I will cry.


For myself

and all that weighs me down like rocks of reality

dragging me to the depths of my tears

and drowning me in my fears.


I will cry because my dreams

Sit on a shelf.

They were replaced by a life that was never mine

and a threat to tow the line.


I cried

I cry

I'll cry

Until I'm free.


33.Non-Believer

They say that showers of rain bring blessings.

These are the lessons,

passed on from one believer to another.

The faithful leading the faithless,

though who's to say it's not futile practice?


I danced in the rain once.

I hoped to catch those good things,

cupped in my hands.

The faithless trying to be faithful.

A non-believer playing at believing.


What I caught in that rain was viral.

It spread through me like fire in my veins.

Only bad things followed,

an antithesis to those blessings,

a non-believer almost believing.


That rain was acid,

toxic and destructive.

Where are those blessings faith had promised?

blindly led to believing the unbelievable

the non-believer

fell

farther

from

grace.




34.Untitled

So are we done now?

Can I pack into a body bag

My emotions and feelings

And move out of this haunted house?


May I leave now?

Will you let me go this time?

No post-mortem conversation

To rehash this dead relation.


Do you see now?

What I tried to tell you before?

How I’m no good and

I’ll leave you bleeding on the floor?


Can it be over now?

Can I walk away and not look back?

Will this thrashing guilt die at the gates of hell, finally

Or will I carry it eternally?


I need to feel now.

For so long I have felt so little

Even when I saw your cadavered feelings,

I was numb and only left you reeling.


It’s the end now.

You’ve tried not to fight this battle

But only I can call the ceasefire and I won’t until your name is written in my book of casualties

Because I’ve mongered this war for far too long to lay my heart down at another’s feet.






35.Me (in colours)

I have worn myself in black.

Dark and hidden out of sight.

Afraid to be seen,

exposed like nerves,

it could never end well.


I have seen myself in grey.

Shrouded and cloudy,

drawn like curtains,

concealing what's within,

blocking what's with-out.


I have heard myself in blue.

Sad and sombre,

a melancholic tune,

no harmony with it,

just acapella.


I have felt myself in rainbows.

Sometimes sunny

in oranges and yellows,

other times desolate

in violets and blues.


In all the times I speak in purple.

Regal and passionate,

about things they could never understand,

in dialogue they can never translate

a language only I know.





36.My Pain Will Keep Me Company

It will always just be me

holding myself together

while the world around me crumbles and falls.


While everything I know burns to ashes,

it will always just be me lying on this floor,

my arms holding my legs to my chest to keep my heart from bleeding out.


Just me.


As the world moves around me and

the earth continues to spin on its axis

I’ll always be here, all alone, breathing tears as though they are oxygen.


Life doesn’t stop for pain.

It only keeps moving

while I weep for it to stop and notice that it’s left me far behind.


Alone.


All my light has left me…

I’ll let the darkness of the night hold me

as life moves ahead faster than I can grasp,

I will lay here, alone, holding my broken pieces in my bloodied and scarred arms.

 Life will go on

                          and tomorrow I will wake, and go with it.




37.mean.

I want to be mean.

I want to be so mean. I want to hurt them all.

I want to hurt them the way that I’m hurting.


I want to dress my love up in a back-handed comment,

I want to make it up in snide advice

And reflect it in a mirror of, “you’re not good enough”


I want to cut out my mangled heart and hand it to them

I want to say, “here, take it,” because it’s all I have left.

They’ve taken everything else.


I have nothing more to bare

I have nothing more to give.

All I have is pain, anger and resentment.


They can take that too.

They can take my life,

They can take my soul


I don’t want them anymore.

I don’t want this anymore.

I don’t want ME anymore.

38.Untitled II

It's nothing I can rightfully blame you for.

It's just me, always having one foot out the door.

You've done little wrong.

I just can't stay happy for too long.


No, there's nothing you could have changed.

Nothing you could have rearranged.

I would have still run.

There's nothing you could have done.


The only thing that needs changing,

Is this heart's constant aching.

I have to work from within,

To calm my inner din

So I can finally hear

All the loving calls clear.

39.time...

Only time can own us

For time takes

And time gives.


Time will take:

Memories.


But time will give:

Healing.


Time will withdraw

People.


And it will deposit

Meaning



40.With You

Write me into your dreams and let me live there

Being everything you imagined, because in reality I could never be.


Speak me into your thoughts and let me breathe there

Because in your arms the air was always too thin.


Take me into your soul and let me die there

Because in truth I die alone

And I’d rather I lived with you.



41.Silenced.

Why can’t I speak my pain into words?

I want to stand on a soapbox and proclaim my fears,

But when I go to part my lips I’m choked by the tears

And the words take flight like birds in fright.


I’m stopped every time by terror.

Afraid to be so open and reveal my darkness

Because I lack the light I could never harness.

All I own is this dark night that lacks light.


So I lie in my bed and choke instead,

On the words that go unsaid

And the pain the goes unbled

Because somehow this silence and these walls

have held me tighter through my falls

than any person that I have known.



42.Up in Flames

So when the garden goes up in flames

and the flowers that remain are maimed,

what will be left of us?


Will we burn with it, drenched in cinder?

Or be refined by it - a beauty too pure to hinder?

Everything we were was but ashes to smoke.


That fire made us with the blows it dealt us.

We didn't die from it,

we survived through it.

We were revived by it.



43.In A Year

Every year another war wages,

another blazing fire rages

and another piece of me

falls at the feet of the things I could never be.


Every month is a battle,

just one in a cycle of 12 that’ll

replay like a constant refrain

tearing into open wounds again and again.


Every week is a struggle

when everything is a muddle

You fight to stay alive

And just barely survive.


Every day is without mirth

When you regret your own birth

And you hope it will all cease

To give you just a moment of peace.


Still, every year you try.

Even through the tears that you cry

You push against the tides

Only just making it to the ides.


In a year it will all start again,

And still in this cavern you’ll remain.

In a year you’ll wonder

(like every year before it)

How you could still be standing

To see another one ending.

44.Untitled IV

I can tell my truth to the night.

I can bare it all, naked and vulnerable and not be ashamed.

The shadows stay and listen as I stand under the streetlight and proclaim my deepest fears, no matter the bloodshed.


The day is so much more difficult to navigate.

I need to dress the ugliness up in bright smiles and cheerful greetings

Because the day and its people don’t care for pain.

45.Reassurance

You carry yourself like your vastness scares you;

like your depths and their darkness could consume you.


You worry that a touch or a word could break you,

But you should know that you are not volatile for all your feeling.

You are not nuclear for all your caring.


Your heart has not stopped beating though it may feel dead.

Your soul is healing, though it may feel ravaged

and all hope is not lost, though you may despair.


Your magic cannot be contained in brittle bone

and your spirit cannot be tamed into muted shades.

You are beyond what a mirror reflects and a visionless world dictates.


You are you in a way that no imposter could ever imitate,

or rival could ever best.

You are a creation unfathomable

and the protégé to greatness.

You hold in you the genesis of new worlds no other could create

and if you left you would take them with you.

So stay.

46.I am a mess of things...

I am a mess of things that never got cleaned up.


I am spilled milk on a white carpet, soaked through and softened:

You can’t see the stain but the tenderness is there.


I am burnt ashes on the hearth.

They are where they are supposed to be.

They played their part, provided warmth and now lay ready to be discarded.


I am a crayon drawing on the wall, once painted in happiness but now looked at in distaste:

a mark that does not belong.


I am unswept dirt on the floor:

Dragged in from miles and miles of memories, then stomped off in disregard.


I am a mess of these things - things that never got cleaned up.

But often messes are lessons we never look at with the appreciation they deserve.






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