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As a Poet, I have a Confession



A Small Selection of Dark and Light Pieces

By Doug Baird






Copyright 2017 Doug Baird




As a poet, I have a confession

I embrace every case for depression

I can sit on my ass

With a great gravitas

And get drunk with a thoughtful expression.



One good thing about gravity:

It limits our depravity.

If it never existed

We’d all be more twisted,

With access to every cavity.



Some creatures seem to have the knack

To run across the road and back

While others show that they once tried

But never reached the other side

Does fate so hate my gentle wishes?

That I should make these roadside squishes.



The pale arm had a bilious tattoo

And police struggled hard with this clue

While some swore, “It’s a whale

With an amputeed tail,”

Others thought it resembled Peru.



A wannabe-biker named Charley

Got a girlfriend whose piercings were gnarly

And had all of his duds

Made of leather with studs

But he sat on the back of her Harley.



An elderly gardener from Kent

Had a back so terrifically bent

That he never could see

Where he wanted to be,

But could only look back when he went.



Just think about how far we’ve gone

Since pyramids and the Parthenon

We use machines

Not human beings

To do the thinking for our brawn.



An incompetent nurse named Sharleen

Hooked the red coded coupling to green

And a patient named Beth

Took a shortcut to death

But with health care these days, it’s routine.



A dispirited young man named Kevin

Lived in government housing in Devon

Where old boats and poor farms

Pass as touristy charms

And he worked in a 7-Eleven.



A vertiginous man from Saint Paul

Was so fearfully frightened to fall

That to stand up and walk

Turned his visage to chalk

And when mounting the stairs, he would crawl.



An old Rust Belt toiler from Erie

Worked so long that his time clock was weary.

But before he retired,

He was called up and fired,

Though hard work’s still a good thing, in theory.



A petite artist’s model named Bonnie

Had the face of a Modigliani.

And she often would pose

Without makeup or clothes,

Though she kept on her heels by Armani.



A fanciful child named Dwight

On a cold afternoon with his kite

In a fluttering breeze

Caught it high in the trees

Where it shone in the moon late at night.



A lovely young girl from León

Had a twin who was almost a clone

And in habit and psych

They were both so alike

When together they both felt alone.



A Millennial student named Joyce

Had no thoughts of her own to give voice

But just scrolled through the views

That her classmates would choose

And then picked the most popular choice.



A sorrowful sneak-thief from Seoul

Stole an old Joseon Dynasty Scroll

He would not, as a rule,

Steal a book on a spool

But he did when he got on a roll.



A new pre-school outside of Laredo

Got ate-up by an F-5 tornado

And no wreckage was found

But for miles around

All the houses were showered with Play-Doh.



The one-and-only hassle-free

Millennial accessory

More shiny than a diamond ring

Your baby has outstanding bling.



They’re the Holy Grail recasted

Archimedes Lever too

When you use a child’s welfare

There is nothing you can’t do.



An impenitent tutor named Betty

Hacked her class with big ass machete

And the only regret

She admitted to yet

Was the exercise left her quite sweaty.



A worrisome patient named Wyatt

Had gone quite unusually quiet

When his vitals were read

He was found to be dead

So they noted this change to his diet.



The End



About the author:


Doug Baird is an artist and writer living in rural Tompkins County, NY.

Links to selected works:


Please Take Care when You Utter a Curse — Free download. This unreasonably clean and sometimes edgy book of 100 limericks takes a not quite nonsense view of the people, situations, institutions and attitudes which populate our world.

Rural Tompkins County — The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Credentials: Reporting on the “One Thought, One Taught — One Voice, One Choice” doctrine of elitist policy making in Tompkins County, and its effect on the rural community.


IdeaEnhancement.org — The Idea Enhancement Project is a visionary undertaking that explores the use of art as a practical tool for increasing innovative and creative thinking.


Doug Baird Art — An album of representative artworks.


Download this book for your ebook reader.
(Pages 1-6 show above.)