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Sad Times
by Kennie Kayoz
Copyright 2017 Coyotes Publishing
Smashwords Edition

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From The Heart



About a month ago you know what happened ?

I broke up with my fiancee, it was going to be eleven years for us.

So how did that happen you ask..



The last two years I felt like I was on trial with her, every question she asked.

I felt like I was being grilled for answers.

I shook when I talked to her, I couldn't stop the shaking.

I don't know how she didn't see it specially when I felt like the whole world could see it.



Prior to this I met up with two female friends from high school, I could barely get anything to come out of my mouth.

But they understood that, I was no different in high school.

I always had trouble talking to people.

I was hoping this shit would have changed.

But clearly it's just as bad as it was in high school.



First time she didn't say anything, second time she did when it lead to the third time.

Got questioned why would I want to go for coffee when I can't even talk.

All I did was sit there and shake.

The second girl was no different, but later that night she messaged me on facebook asking if I was alright.

We ended up talking , even while typing I sat and shook.



I started to analyze my life, looked at how I can't even talk to the one that was going to be my future wife.

I continued to analyze myself, made me feel like she deserved better than what I can be. I didn't want to be with anyone until I could overcome what was wrong with me.

So being the coward that I am, I did it via text... I shook while I typed it, I had tears running down my face.

I could almost hear her heart shatter when she sat in place.

I didn't want to get out of bed that morning.

She was already off to work, I sat around wanting to throw up.

The tension was high between the two of us



After a few weeks she went to her parents place, and we talked via text since that is the only way we can talk.

She asked me about 40 questions, I replied truthfully.

I get the feeling that she thought I was lying.

Now I sit on the sidelines and watch her live her life.

I'm no longer apart of it.

I continue to watch from the sidelines.

I make no progress in my own personal journey.

We live together but my seat continue gets pushed back.



I don't deserve anyone in my mind or heart.

I have trouble talking to everyone including my Mom and Brother without shaking.

I guess I am where I deserve to be.



Kennie

Not The Best

I've never been the best at being able to talk.
Grew up with a speech impediment.
Can hear it in everything I say.
It was just one of the things I was bullied & harrassed about growing up.
Still in my mind, have trouble getting over it.
Would rather not talk much than speak.

Just sit in silence.
In the corner
In darkness
While everyone else lives there lives.

I sit back and watch the world.
All I can do is view the world from the outside.
Never invited to join.
Never invited to play.
Almost like window shopping.

Just standing back and watching life from a distance.

Kennie



The Past

Can't focus on the past.
Clearly certain people have no feelings for me.
That time is in the past.
The word of the split is slowly coming out.
I told her we can do things her way.

Her parents were on vacation and knew they would flip.
Cancel vacation and rush home like she's in danger.
Since clearly Mr Nice Guy has horns and is evil.
But it doesn't matter to me.
Peoples thoughts about me have changed over the last month.
Nothing I can do, nothing I can say.

Most of them I dont' care about since they're her friends.
She would never have let me meet them.
So I don't care.
Why care what someone thinks if you won't meet them.
Besides friends only get one side of the story.
They don't get the full thing, so they're brainwashed.

I don't try and convince people of anything.
I've always been one to walk alone.
The path is always that much longer.
But I know the rewards are that much greater.
If I get a friend to join me on that journey, great.
Otherwise I'm more than capable of doing it alone.

Kennie



Moving Ahead

No idea where to go from here.
Surrounded by fog.
Not sure what path to choose
Or direction to walk.

If one walks into the fog
They shall get lost.
I shall sit and see if it clears up.
I'm in no rush.
I have no idea what's next.

I don't know what my future holds.
Even in the past I didn't know.
My life has always been on shaky ground.
I never have been able to plant my feet anywhere.
Or into anything.

So we shall see with this life leads me.
See what it will present itself to me.

Kennie



Only Human

I'm only human, I know I make mistakes.
All I can ask is for people to forgive me.
Even though many look at my mistakes as unforgivable.

To walk away like I did rather than try to work things out.
It wasn't her fault, I needed to better myself.
I tried doing so with her in my life but it wasn't happening.
She kept pushing the doctor option.
I don't want to take pills to fix my problems.
To take pills in order to talk to people.
Not exactly what I want to be known for.

I'm only human, I know I make mistakes.
Trying to improve myself.
So many changes and self improvements to come.

Not everyone will understand how I feel
I get that, many look at themselves as perfect.
We're all human, we're all flawed.

Kennie



Jekyll and Hyde

Think you know who your dating ?
Wait till you break up, you'll find out all the stuff they've been hiding.
Attitude will change, you'll see someone completely new.
At times I feel like I should be a commentator on a nature channel.

Standing back and making observations with my voice like:
"It's facinating she appeared to be happy, but truly admits she never was"
I get it major thing with relationships is communication
But if your holding stuff back, that doesn't help communication.

If you want to have a better relationship, you have to share everything.
Something done you don't like, well say about it.
Otherwise it'll keep happening.
If asked "What do you want to do ?" and you answer "your choice I don't care" then something happens that you don't like, it's time for you to speak up otherwise it's going to keep happening.

Kennie



Pain



I knew this would be coming.
I've read about it.
I heard about it.
Nothing can prepare you for it.
You knew it was over but it was little signs.
That would creep up, that you would see.
Nothing you had control over

You start to question things more.
Wonder other things.
Your mind begins to race.
Asking questions that you use to know the answer to.

It just brings forth more pain.
Nothing more to do but sit back and let the pain flood
Your body.

Kennie



Over Analyzing

Clearly when one runs on lack ofsleep there brain over analyzes everything.
From the smallest detail to big details
Small will seem so huge.
Big will seem out of this world.
Your brain will go crazy.

You'll fight with yourself.
You'll fight with friends.
You won't understand it until you get some good sleep.

Feeling like everyone is against you.
It's a common feeling.
It drives you fucking mental

Kennie



Shutting Out

I just want to shut out the world.
Close out facebook
Stay off social media
Shut myself world.

Become a shell of myself.
So I don't have to think.
I just do as others want.
No talking back
No thinking

Just shutting down
Giving up
Giving into life.

Kennie




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