Excerpt for How to Kill Your Enemies! by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

How to Kill Your Enemies!

Euan Eoghan

Copyright © Euan Eoghan, 2017

The author has asserted his moral rights

Published by the author at Smashwords, 2017

ISBN: 9781370584055

A print (paperback) edition of this volume is available to buy online through most retailers. ISBN: 978-1539694854.

Cover artwork used courtesy of Pixabay.com under Creative Commons license

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Table of Contents


1. This is a ‘Fuck You’

2. I want to be the last man

3. Something that happened a century ago

4. Oh, so very, very tired

5. Hush! Hush! Keep your mouth shut

6. I am nowhere

7. Life is just pretending

8. And there’s nothing in this world left to enjoy

9. Obviously, you have never seen the dark side

10. Justice is just an idle threat

11. Never, ever, ever going to be young again

12. All I really want

13. I said I loved you but that was when

14. After the trauma, the feeling burns on

15. A prisoner in a holy place

16. Something about the way she smiles

17. Time can’t go back on itself

18. This is the hatred

19. Come into our lives again

20. Waiting for a million things to happen

21. It was a warped sense of freedom

22. Nothing has been accomplished

23. I faced the thing I always feared

24. Change was all I really ever wanted

25. There is a war

26. Let’s talk about freedom

27. Life is a journey

28. Take off my clothes

29. I want to climb to the top of that mountain

30. My life is devoid

31. Where are you now?

32. Sometimes, I am sickened by my creations

33. Show me your indignant rage

34. The caged bird has never tasted freedom

35. What’s it all about?

36. I never thought I’d see the day

37. So, this is what it feels like to be numb

38. I have reached a plane

Further Information


“Going-out is the root cause of discord, which confuses the fundamental issue. Going-out teaches people to be smart and distrustful of other people. Self-preservation is considered the greatest purpose of life and going-out is to ensure it; this is the most heinous crime one can ever commit against one's life. Everybody is seen as the enemy and is always considered as if, by definition, they are out there conspiring to destroy you. The thing to do is to go out there and kill the enemy before he ever gets the chance to do the same to you. Going-in, on the other hand, reveals that the self-preservation phenomenon, as manifested by various people, is in fact a self-destroying phenomenon. Going-in reveals the true nature of being, which is to seek the truth to serve the people.”

– from Necessity for Change, published May 1967 by The Internationalists


This is a ‘Fuck You’

From me to you,

Signed by yours truly

(And believe me it’s true),

To every wanker

Who’s walked through my life:

Who’s made my life a struggle;

Who’s made me think twice.

Who made me stay sober

And turned my heart cold.

Who kept me awake at nights

And vanquished my hopes.

Who made me feel bitter

And hate my fellow man.

Who gave the attitude

That I don’t give a damn.

To every Jesuit,

To every nun,

I swear like a Bible

My life will be fun.

As every motherfucker

Is some motherfucker’s son,

Then everyone must see the world

From both sides of the gun.


I want to be the last man

Still standing when the world ends.

I want to be the one

To bury the dead.

I want to banish you

From your Garden of Eden.

I want to crucify you right this time,

So you don’t come back again.


Something that happened a century ago

Is pissing me off today.

Something that hitherto, only the dead could have known,

I see it now, clear as day.

Something that isn’t getting through to you

Is keeping me awake every night.

Something that didn’t register at first

Is pounding in my brain like a light.

Something in her stride and her radiant smile

Tells me what this world could be like.

Just the other day, I was feeling the pain

And she came and made it alright.

Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words to say,

Or even say anything at all

But when I was freefalling down my valley of fears,

It was her name I kept trying to call.


Oh, so very, very tired;

Never been this weary before.

Oh, so sick of it now –

I thought there was going to be more!

Oh, so you were right,

Now in darkness let us sit like old men.

And when we’ve turned out all the lights,

Let us never strain our eyes so far again.

Oh, so sorry I tried;

Don’t I wish I listened to you?

And I suppose you’ve arranged

Your own fucking funeral too.

Oh, who cares for what is said?

Who even cares if it’s true?

Oh, you silly, silly child;

You just want what’s in it for you.

Arise, stand up and reach for the skies;

They might just be clamouring for you.

And no, you don’t have to be brave;

That’s really got nothing to do.


Hush! Hush! Keep your mouth shut

If you don’t we’ll blow your face off.

Silently, silently open the floodgates,

So the slush will wash the stains off

Every filthy, rotten deed ever perpetrated.

Every stinking, dirty sleaze since the Earth was first created.

Go on, go on; just drop the bomb.

No one will notice: everyone’s gone.

Gone back home and gone to bed.

Little do they know

That in the morning they’ll be dead.


I am nowhere

And nowhere is where I am –

Like a stubborn pyramid

On a parched, deserted sand.

I set out on a journey to nowhere once

And arrived at my destination as planned.

Not many men can claim as much

But I am one who can.

And I am very happy;

Yes, I am very proud

That of all the bullshit that abounds in your life,

In mine cannot be found.

And I have fought pitched battles

On the frontline of my own life.

I have developed tactics

To ignore all your stupid advice.

I am nobody, out there in nowhere

And here is where I belong;

Happy to be always on the outside,

Staring in at the things that go on.

Happy to have no ambition

And no need to prove any point.

No wish to make up excuses;

No need to impress or disappoint.

And no reason to get excited

And no reason to feel remorse;

No reason to believe that things will get better

But time, in the end, takes its course.

And no need to feel indignation

At the veiled threats and words that I’ve heard.

No wish to go around complaining;

I just put it all on hold.

I’m the child of the stupefied generation –

I only know things that I’m told.

Grew up in the decade of Thatcher and Reagan

When the world was being traded and sold.

I used to be so impulsive;

I used to hang out on a limb.

I don’t know how many times I had my head bitten off

But it seems to have grown back again.

But lately I’ve begun to grow distant;

Can’t really explain it so I won’t.

I just don’t want to talk about my frustration,

Or I don’t want to tell the whole world.

I just don’t want to follow convention

But I don’t want to live my life alone.

I don’t want to do anything desperate yet

But I don’t want to be led by the nose.

I don’t want to sound like a statesman

And I don’t have a message for the world

But when anyone says that there’s trouble ahead,

My mind just turns cynical and cold.

And I’m not going to play follow the leader;

Not going to get involved in that kid’s stuff.

I’ve never been deceived by Armageddon;

I’ve always believed it’s a bluff.

So, let the righteous stand up and be counted.

Let the rest just blow hot and blow cold.

No one ever said that this world has got to serve you

And there will be days when it won’t.


Life is just pretending,

Making up stuff:

War, religion, politics –

When they’re not just completely self-serving,

They’re part of something that’s worse.

When it’s not just inventing excuses,

It’s all just a barefaced lie.

When it’s not getting people accustomed,

It’s sending them out to die.

When it’s not just taking their money,

It’s hoping they never ask why.

When you’re not being over-protective,

You’re kissing your sweethearts goodbye.

When it’s not just resorting to violence,

It’s making up and calling people names.

When you’re not contemplating the boredom,

You’re beating you’re own fucking brain.

When you’re not waging war on your own mind,

You’re looking for someone to kill.

When you’re not just trying to make sense of the situation,

You’re wondering if anyone ever will.


And there’s nothing in this world left to enjoy;

You know as well as I do so, let’s destroy.

Break up the party, turn out the lights:

A day and a week and a year of long knives

Is what it’s going to take, to put things right.

Love’s the disease; hate is the cure.

Life’s the disorder from which chaos ensues.

Death is the bringer of hope to mankind:

A salvation that stops you from losing your mind.

Feed your children poison (let them suck it from your breast)

Then watch them grow into something that is pale and lifeless.

Something that’s immune to anything that’s happening,

While you summarily execute every last ounce of compassion.

Have faith in your leaders while they fuck you around;

Pretend not to notice the shit that’s going down.


Obviously, you have never seen the dark side.

Never seen how lives come crashing in.

Never had to live through years of boredom,

Or share the lonely hopeless world of millions.

Obviously, you’ve never been disappointed –

Perhaps you were pleased to believe that you just can’t win?

And you obviously haven’t noticed that you’re going nowhere

But perhaps you’re just too absorbed to take it in?

Obviously, you don’t know what you’re doing now

Because your haunted life’s a helpless empty void.

And you obviously never thought to ask for your money back –

Perhaps you thought the good people would be annoyed?

Obviously, you’ve never stopped to wonder

Just what this world is running for today.

If you did, you’d see why some of us aren’t laughing –

Why some believe there must be a better way.

If you did, you’d see why some of us feel cheated

And for this there will be a terrible price to pay.

Obviously, you’ve never seen how walls come down,

To watch them build back up within a day.

Never seen the way that money makes the world go around,

And around and around, and around and around again.

Obviously, you’ve never witnessed a travesty,

To then be told that it’s all just part of the game.

And obviously, you’ve never thought of arguing –

Perhaps you also had your stake to claim?

Obviously, you’ve never gone outside for air;

But it’s not as lonely on the outside as you think!

And you obviously haven’t noticed that your world is stale

And there’s barely a drop of water left to drink.


Justice is just an idle threat;

Something that the world would rather forget.

Know we’ll never make it;

Prefer if we could fake it.

The things we know, we ignore:

Pretend we cannot see.

Curse the day you came into my life,

Unearthing all my torment, all my strife.

Forcing me into something,

Something I can’t cope with:

Loving someone else just so I can hate myself,

Loving myself would make me hate you

And no matter what you say, no man can be the two.

But tell me if I’m the man that I’m supposed to be,

Or am I something that was never supposed to be?

And do you have a world you wish to reveal to me,

Or is there a hidden dagger in the words you speak to me?

I am the soul destroyer –

You better guard your dreams and visions.

I re-invent the rules but rules are still our prison.

I am the one who’s never been reconciled;

I am the one they want to put on trial.

I am the one who laughs at all religions;

I am the one who makes my own decisions.

I am an independent republic, adrift in a sea of filth

And today I have proclaimed my manifesto;

Tomorrow I will put it to the test.

Sometimes I like to think that I’m a democracy

But in truth, I suppose, I’m really pretty scared.

Hence, I always err on the side of caution.

Hence, I don’t go out too far, in case.

So, if today I may negotiate a treaty,

Tomorrow I must grind it into dust.

I know nothing may come of anything I do

But I go on because that is my curse.

As years go by, you’ll see I’ll not have changed.

When all hope’s gone, you’ll see I still have rage.

As walls come down, you’ll see I still have guns –

And are you one of them or one of us?

And I have been to the summit of my own dreams;

I have seen with my own eyes

How things aren’t all they seem.

I know the sorcerer’s tricks and what he keeps up his sleeve.

How we torture and twist our own minds just to make ourselves believe.

Every assassin’s bullet carries a blessing.

Silent desperation has no echo.

And every Nazi fuckhead knows the score,

Which is why they keep on coming back for more.


Never, ever, ever going to be young again.

Never going to burn with desire.

Never, ever, ever going to fall in love again –

Never going to run through that fire.

Never, ever going to see the reasons in my doings

Nor feel the breath of fresh wind I once knew.

Never going to want to steal a march on time again

And for this, I can blame only you.

Talking about my degeneration

And wondering why this world is so cold.

All of that time that I was thrashing your place,

I just wanted something to hold.


All I really want

Is to stay alive,

Long enough to see another summer.

All I really want

Is a sense of purpose –

Something to lift me from this deadly slumber.

All I really want

Is a person to talk to:

A human soul who’s not some motherfucker.

All I really want

Is to feel good,

To believe in every syllable I utter.

All I really want

Is to wake up in the morning

With an overpowering sense of being alive.

All I really want

Is to love you,

And to hold you and to touch you until I die.

All I really want

Is all the things I’ve ever wanted:

To travel the world and swim in the great lakes.

All I really want

Is no more excuses:

An explanation, no matter how hard it is to take.

All I really want

Is to be compensated for all the wasted time

With a really big slice of the cake.

All I really want

Is to be whatever it is you want

And I will be that, no matter how long it takes.

All I really want

Is some alcohol –

Enough to disconnect me from my rational self.

All I really want

Is some vision

Because I cannot even see one step ahead.

All I really want

Is to bare my soul tonight:

To first get angry then get really pissed.

All I really want

Is for you to own up,

To tell me I’m not the only one who feels like this.

All I really want

Is to sleep at night

With a sea of tranquillity floating around my bed.

All I really want

Is a fuse

To blow the tonnes of dynamite in my head.

All I really want

Is an opening

Because otherwise, someone’s going to wind up dead.

All I really want

Is an apocalyptic vision –

An excuse not to get up out of bed.

All I really want

Is to have a kind heart

And a loaded gun beside me, just to be safe.

All I really want

Is a dangerous mind,

To inspire fear in everything I hate.

All I really want

Is nothing very much

But I want you more than words can ever say.

All I really want

Is a conspiracy theory

To justify my sense of helplessness in this world.

All I really want

Is a distant echo,

From the depths of time to make sense of all that’s absurd.

All I really want

Is to occupy your world,

Since I’ve been cast out from the garden where I used to play.

All I really want

Is revolutionary change

Because boredom maims me every other day.

All I really want

Is a glimpse of what’s to come –

A confirmation that things won’t always be the same.

All I really want

Is simple justice

Because I believe that everything’s a lie.

All I really want

Is to stand up tall

And walk this way until the day I die.


I said I loved you but that was when

I thought I had nothing to lose.

Now I’ve lost my insanity.

I’ve lost the man in me.

I’ve lost all I once had to give.

Give me back my old life;

Give me back the things I sacrificed

Because it was all done for nothing in the end.

And you knew that all along;

You saw what was going on,

Now I’m going to set fire to your bed.


After the trauma, the feeling burns on

Even when everything has been and has gone.

The trail of destruction that leads to my house

Would lead you to me, except that I’m out.

After the thunder storm, after the flood,

After you left me, right here I stood;

I gazed from the shoreline but all I could see

Was a vast expanse of ocean, swallowing me.

Before I ever had anything to keep me afloat,

I was buoyed by the beauty of what I believed was this world.

It stopped my heart from sinking; it lessened the load

But it dropped like dead weight one day;

Now it lies buried beneath the ocean floor.

And now I walk through the streets by the day

And when the night falls, I am still awake,

Trying to document ever year that I waste,

Every prayer of the damned, every fist that was raised.

Every time I wanted to kiss you but the passion had died:

The Earth’s full of mortals and feelings subside.

Tomorrow, I will assume that strange lifeform again:

Fundamentally deranged like a pragmatist’s grin.

It’s good when the going’s good

But it wears the heart thin.

After the condemnation, after being slain,

I’m sorry but I do not feel like writhing in pain

Because you do not hurt me and I’m not afraid,

And I will assert myself, again and again.

After the shit that you put me through,

I ought to kill you but that would not do

Because that would not be enough;

There must be some other way

For you to understand, the way that I feel today.

Tomorrow, I will step out into that hostile world,

Where shadows are lurking and disasters unfold.

Where the price of your peace of mind

Is that millions must die

To make way for the facade

Of a sad empty life.

In the army of the outcasts, I first came to terms

With the horrific consequences of what I’d been told.


A prisoner in a holy place

Could never be as desolate as this.

Secrecy shrouded in a veil of deceit

Is but a shadow of the torture you inflict.

The yearning that I had to take on the world

Seems like a futile passion now.

That violent tremor you heard was my heart

When you first walked into my view.

And all that erupts, and all that aborts,

Proves that I have something to offer to you.

The apprenticeship I served in the guild of your world,

Where you were master and I was your servant,

Has made me what I am now,

Yet I still don’t know how

And I’m not sure I really deserve it.


Something about the way she smiles

Puts a chill in my spine

Like I don’t know why.

Something about the gun at my back

Stops me in my tracks,

Makes me use tact.

Something about the blade at my throat

Causes me to wonder,

Have I been here before?

Something about being mugged in the street

Makes you distrust

Every person you meet.

Something about the hitman on my trail

Makes me carry a gun,

Makes me wary by day.

Something about the look in her eye

Convinces me now that we’re all going to die.

Something about the cries I hear at night,

Tells me like I never needed to be told

That things will never be right.

Something about the things that are going on,

Proves I was right in what I said all along.

Something in what she said to me last night,

When I was feeling tired,

When we held each other tight,

Tells me that there is no such thing as love,

It’s just a naked man and woman

In a great big cover up.


Time can’t go back on itself;

Time can’t stand still.

The world can’t go on like this

But it probably will.

Humanity will fight itself;

Humanity will triumph

But no one can go back

To an old way of life.

The vehicle of progress

Is fuelled with a fire

That no one has ever controlled.

To be brutally honest,

To be clinically cold,

There’s a fire on the horizon

And now you’ve been told.

It’ll be here tomorrow

When you open the door:

It’ll beg, it’ll borrow,

It will clean out your store.

The storm will brew.

The storm will come.

You can’t postpone

The storm to come.


This is the hatred

That will never go away.

This is the world

That we live in today.

This is our fate

If ever there was;

If anything’s written,

It’s probably lost.

If anything made sense

It’s only because

Your faith was a blindness

That you stumbled across.

If anything’s permanent,

It’s ignorant of change;

It’s a making up of names

And giving them a face.

An invention of stories,

A fictitious past,

A refusal to notice

An act of sheer madness.

A looking out the window

To an unwelcome view –

A grey azure sky

Upon a sweet autumn dew.

A frosty reception

When you walk in the door.

A certain discomfort

With what is in store.

Keeping the Cold War

Alive and well.

Feeding the flowers

Into the furnace of hell.

Putting your secret weapons

On full public view.

If you ever have to use them,

You better know what to do.


Come into our lives again,

You who filled our youth with purpose.

You who fused our thoughts to action.

You who thought us how to think.

Come into this world again –

Because otherwise, who’ll dream your dreams?

Because they were dreams of all humanity

But only you knew how to teach them.

And this world is closing in now,

Yet there’s a gulf where you once stood.

And this world is feeling the cold now

But you were one who understood.


Waiting for a million things to happen.

Anyone of them could light up your way.

Re-enacting past glories in your head

That’ll never happen again,

Yet something has got to give at the end of the day.

Growing old is realising that you can never win this war

But it will rage with time

And its flames will engulf many more.

There will always be the new recruits

Dying to be unleashed;

There will always be the wounded veterans who know the score.

Yet something’s got to give

To make way for the new world to happen –

Something that makes us awake and face each new day.

Something that stops us from trying to annihilate each other;

That casts a cold eye over what the morning papers say.

That captures a feeling

That releases us all from our tethers.

That stops us to think

Before we try to fly without wings.

The prospect of something

That could be just around the corner.

The knowledge that this world is bigger

Than what you’ve been told.


It was a warped sense of freedom

That I had to overcome.

Something grotesque and frivolous,

Yet it struck the whole world dumb.

A chain of thoughts inside my head

That soon became a flood.

So, while you were screwing up your senses,

I was walking in the sun.

The dead pretend it’s not the end

The rest just wait their turn.

But what will you do

When they come for you?

Don’t say you didn’t see it burn.

As freedom becomes tyranny

And tyranny gets worse,

The lies thrown around get out of hand

And the gear goes into reverse.


Nothing has been accomplished

And nothing’s been revealed.

Nothing has been put aside

For the days when the Earth will bleed.

Nothing that you’ve told me,

I didn’t already know.

I used to haunt your dreams once,

Before you turned to stone.

I thought you were my lifeline;

I guess that I was wrong.

But it seemed to me that you were real

And this feeling would linger on.


I faced the thing I always feared

And I didn’t turn to stone.

Fragments of a past I turned my back on,

Helped me through a storm.

In drunkenness, I saw your face

And it lifted me a lot.

And even though you’re pretty ugly,

I still think of you a lot.

The way to kill your killers

Is not the way you think

And there is no easy way

To face the fate you shrink.

So, have mercy on the martyrs

You remember in your prayers.

Something good lived in their lives,

That’s why they weren’t ensnared.


Change was all I really ever wanted:

A departure from the path the past has darkened.

To believe that into our lives some light may come.

That we must outlive the things we can’t outrun.

This deathliness is not what I ever asked for:

Like a levelling, empty feeling of disaster.

Our worst fears have now become our master.

Complacent until death destroys the laughter.

And slowly our lives become redundant.

Gradually, we begin to lose our way.

Forgetting to read the signs of what is coming,

Regretting all the hours that pass away.

Time is always speeding but I’m going nowhere;

Colliding with thin air because nothing’s out there.

Tell me all the things that give you sleepless nights,

The voices in your head and what they say.

Hope was all I ever had to start with:

Never wanted to surrender to the darkness.

I opened the door to the beauty I thought was out there.

What came crashing in, I never could have foreseen.

Revenge is cold but sometimes it’s the only thing.

Sometimes it’s a totally mind-blowing thing.

Sometimes it’s the only way to make sense of the world

And sometimes that’s the only way to see


There is a war

That nobody knows about

But it has been going on

For quite a long time.

It is going on now,

Right under our noses.

When you tear back the curtains,

It is staring inside.

There is a war

And this is no exaggeration

But just because you ignore it,

It will not go away.

There is a war

That is so prevalent,

That most people don’t notice it –

They just look away.

There is a war

And I’m not the only one

Who has been forced

To live my life this way.

There is a war

And it’s really no laughing matter

But for someone like you,

Why should I care?

There is a war

But I don’t want to get caught up in it:

I don’t want to be at war

When you’re with me, here.

Yeah, there is a war

That could be the death of us,

Or it could be the making

Of a whole new state of affairs.

There is a war:

It is an unholy one.

I am in trouble –

I don’t have a prayer.

There is a war.

It’s cold and it’s clinical;

It claimed another victim

Just only today.

There is a war.

Its motives are cynical.

It’s totally unprincipled;

It’s not even fair.

Yes, there is a war –

Can’t even describe it

But everyone’s been injured,

Wounded or maimed.

There is a war alright

But why should I worry?

There is a war

But why should I be scared?

There is a war

But I didn’t start it

And I want no part in it –

Why should I have to pay?

There is a war;

The knives have been sharpened.

We are the targets;

We are the prey.

There is a war.

You’re going to be hearing a lot more about it.

It’ll be in all the papers;

It’ll be all over the place.

There is a war

But it’s safer to distance yourself.

It is not worth enlisting

For anyone’s sake.

There is a war

But it’s not worth talking about;

It is not worth getting carried away.

There is a war

But there is no Santa Claus.

There is a war going on in the world today.


Let’s talk about freedom.

Let’s talk about pain.

Let’s talk about something,

Even if it’s just the fucking rain.

Let’s talk about our country.

Let’s talk about the human race.

Let’s talk about history.

Let’s talk about something for a change.

Let’s talk to one another,

Show that we’ve got nothing we need to hide.

How come every time I knock on your shell,

You bolt the door and point your gun outside?

Let’s talk about the passion;

The feelings only understood by a child.

Or talk about the anger;

Those that betrayed and the time we did inside.

Let’s talk about the misery,

The powers that be who force us to live in this way.

Let’s talk about the wishful thinking;

The nagging dream that will not go away.

Let’s talk about the conspiracies –

The living proof that God is just a man.

Talk about the things we used to talk about

Before all this other shit began.

Let’s talk about the momentary lapse,

The accidents, the mishaps

And how you wish you never learned to cry.

The things you knew you’d end up paying for

But your better instincts couldn’t help you to decide.

Let’s talk about the reasons

Why I cannot come out and play today.

Let’s talk about what could have been,

If I had not been so set in my ways.

Let’s talk about the disappointments;

The times we thought that we were all going to die.

Talk about what we’re going to do now,

To create a world we know we will enjoy.

Let’s talk about the rest of our lives

And all the mountains still out there to climb.

Talk about the ocean depths

And whatever fire still burns inside.


Life is a journey.

Life is a curse.

It’s a yearning to do something;

It’s something even worse.

It’s shitbag heaven,

Asshole paradise;

A knowing that nothing

Of any significance lies

In your shabby little stories,

In your glorious lies,

In the pale pathetic imitations

Of those you idolise.

It’s another day older,

Another hand tied,

Another step down the road

Of deathly compromise.

And there’s a hidden agenda

In everything we hear.

There’s a dirty war

That can only end in tears.

It’s a loosening of the grip;

A gradual wearing thin.

It’s a searching for something

And finding nothing.


Take off my clothes,

Strip me down to the bones;

Tell me if you can find guts.

Tell me if something can be got out of nothing –

I know what life’s like and it sucks.

Tell me the whole truth –

Not just the half-truths.

Tell me until the truth hurts.

Tell me what I’m missing,

How I wound up in this prison

And why nothing adds up to very much.

I’m in some serious shit;

I don’t know why it is

But I hate everything that I see.

Because I can see nothing,

I can see trouble,

I can see something that’s me.

This world, it is cruel

And I’m not a fool;

I know exactly what’s going on.

I know what you’re saying

As you’re putting me in chains

And I’m sorry to tell you, you’re wrong.


I want to climb to the top of that mountain,

Then I want to dive into that deep blue sea.

I am a moron: that’s what keeps me going on.

That’s what stops me falling down;

Why I always land on my feet.

I want to see the whole world at midnight,

Call around to your house when I know your asleep.

I want to wake you and make you listen

To my desperate attempts to reconcile with this world.

I want to live off the seas and the oceans;

I want to crash into your coral reefs.

I want to be your light when your dissatisfied:

When you want something more

Or just something else.

I want to live in a world without fear,

Just like the music ringing in my ears.

I want a symphony to drown out the bullshit.

I want to come and go as I please.

I want to be all the things that I’ve never been.

I want to be that adventurous boy inside of me.

I want to dream the dreams I dreamed before this.

Want to know the reason why they never came true for me.


My life is devoid.

My life has no meaning.

My life is searching

For something that is real:

Hard as a diamond

Coated in molten steel,

Buried two thousand feet

Beneath the Antarctic.

My life can’t go on like this:

Something’s got to happen.

I’d run away for good this time

But I know that I’ll be back again.

My life is groping

In the darkness of a shadow

Of something so colossal

That it’s causing me to panic.

I don’t know what’s good from bad

But even if I did,

I’d do whatever pleases me,

That’s just the way it is.

I don’t know what’s right from wrong

But even if you told me,

It wouldn’t register anything

Unless you actually showed me.

And even then, I’d probably do nothing.

I’d probably just admit defeat.

I’ve always been one to feel helpless

In the face of just about everything I meet.

The wars going on in the world today

Do not interest me:

I’m caught up in a crossfire too

And it scaring the shit out of me.

There’s a grain of lie in every truth;

Go tell that to the new recruits –

See if anyone would disagree.


Where are you now?

Where are you now?

Where is everyone?

Down in the ground,

Only the sounds

Of the days changing guard

To awake us.

You see me now.

What I was is not now –

But a ghost of my youthful ambition.

Ambitious to love.

Ambitious to conquer.

Ambitious to tear this world asunder.

What is there now?

What is there now?

Now that the spell still is not broken.

It’s always the same;

I mean, it’s all just a game

And all that you’re playing for is tokens.


Sometimes, I am sickened by my creations

And sometimes, I must lament for what I destroy.

You go through life always craving the same sensations,

Until you get them and you’re left to wonder, why?


Show me your indignant rage.

The one that puts you centre stage.

The one that Jesus used

To drive the traders from the temple.

And I swear I’ll not make fun of you

But bow my head and greet the news

That one amongst us is still seething with contempt.

Because when the whole world’s pacified

It’s like the crust curls up and dries.

It lifts the lid on something very ugly.

The thing you always knew was there –

You spoke about it in your prayers

But never thought it worth a curse complaining.

My eyes are straining to see the light

But all I have is darkness tonight;

I’d like to invite the whole world to a party.

I’d like to unleash an awesome fury,

Vent my anger, tell my story

But the world won’t listen – it keeps telling me I’m boring.

And everything I once believed in

Is hanging from a cross there, bleeding.

And nothing in this world has meaning.

And when we’re not asleep, we’re dreaming.


The caged bird has never tasted freedom.

It’s just a dream that comes to him at night.

The serpent has never tasted its own venom

But it must know that what it’s doing isn’t right.


What’s it all about?

Why don’t you spit it out?

Give it to me straight –

Is it for love or peace or hate?

Is it something so sublime

Or does it happen all the time?

Will it take another war

Before anyone settles the score?

Is there something I should know,

Or have I seen it all before?

Is there something you’re concealing

Because you know the pain I’m feeling?

Is it something in the air,

Or is it just that you don’t care?

Have you expended all your energy,

Or do you still have it in for me?


I never thought I’d see the day,

When gangsters ruled and crime would pay

But I believe the day will come,

When castles crumble and kings will run.


So, this is what it feels like to be numb:

When you cannot even feel your own thumbs.

When nothing in this world can get under your skin

And nothing can put a shiver in your bones.

So, this is what it’s like to be inhuman:

To be like nothing else that walks upon this Earth.

To be carried by the winds

And washed up on the shores,

And heaved around like a clump of dirt.

This is what it’s like to be a desert:

To stretch for miles

And lie parched beneath the sun.

This is what it’s like to be a polar ice-cap:

Frozen in time and forbidden to everyone.

Hiding a million secrets under its surface;

Never revealing its hidden depths to anyone.


I have reached a plane

Where I don’t have to pretend that I like what I’m hearing.

Where all your phoney wars no longer serve to scare me.

Power is the force that isolates and makes men weary

And I have grown quite comfortable in my complacency.

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(Pages 1-46 show above.)