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Excerpt for Make Waves by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Make Waves
by Kennie Kayoz
Copyright 2017 Coyotes Publishing
Smashwords Edition

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Trust Your Heart

When it comes to love, that's all you can trust.
Questioning friends, not always the best.
If the friend has feelings for you, he'll talk shit about your current boyfriend.
Guys are assholes when talking about other guys.
Specially if they catch feelings for you.

If your feelings come from your heart.
Your heart is what lead you on that journey.
Trust your heart, listen to it, hear it.
It's the only thing that you should trust in your relationship decisions.

It knows you and your feelings better than anything.
You can lie to your brain and make up feelings and excuses.
Your heart knows how you truly feel.
Trust your heart, it won't let you down.

Kennie


Christmas Hiding

Many have asked, why do I hide.
Why not spend the time with family.
I feel like back in school again, constantly judged.
Never feeling good enough.
I sit in silence and observe, I watch more than I speak.

I see how the others communicate and I look around.
Eyes dart around the room, wondering why.
Why did I even come up.
As food sits on my plate, I eat till I'm full.
Or till plate is empty.

Once done my eyes dart around again.
Wishing I could have just taken a plate downstairs.
I may not like being alone, but at times I prefer it.
At times I almost feel invisible.
Watching words go around me.
As I'm no longer a part of the conversation.

People try to make a big deal about today.
Questioning everything one does.
Can't we just do it in peace.
Quiet and without the interrogation.

I then retreat back to the basement.
To sit, sometimes in silence.
Other times not, music plays.
Words dance in my head.
Helping me to describe my experiences to others.

The music stops
When I stop painting my pictures with words.
Allowing others to feel my feelings.
Seeing my life through my eyes.
Once again, it has stopped

Kennie


To Snuggle

The ability to wrap my arms around you.
Hold you close to my body.
To make you feel loved.

At times it's the only thing I'm good at.
But you tell me, I'm much more than that.
I don't see it, I wonder why would anyone want to be that close.
To me, besides look at me. I'm nothing special.
I never have been, I often look down upon myself.

But at times we sit, interconnected with my arms wrapped around you.
Holding you tight against my body.
You look up at me and smile.
Telling me it's your favorite place to be.

I can't help but to gaze into your eyes.
Looking at them as you speak.
Always having trouble finding my own words.
Times sitting in silence.
Struggling to figure things out.

I continue to hold you close.
No matter where, private or public.
I try to make you feel loved.
Not sure if I'm even good at it.

I doubt myself a lot.
Self doubt of mine casts
A shadow onto the rest of me.
Making me second guess many things that I say
Even more than what I do.
Should I have done that ?
Would I have done it differently ?

Then I close my eyes.
When I open them your gone.

Kennie


Keep On Running

I see how you work.
You'll only sit for so long, then you'll run to the nearest.
Whomever will take you so you don't have to put up with me.
It's almost like I'm some kind of monster.
You've never been treated so great in your life.
Still continue to treat you great, no reason not to.

Ninety percent of the time when you leave you trip over your own feet.
I can't help but laugh that you look at me as fucking evil.
Makes me wonder what you tell your friends.
No doubt they would believe you too. You always kept them hidden.
I bet you've been doing it all this time, as your own personal diary.

Be able to talk trash about me, act like I'm the worse.
But yet talk bible verses around me, saying how great I am.
Telling me I've treated you better than everyone else.
Makes me think if you did the same with all your past.

I can't help but wonder about you.
I can see it in your eyes that you want to run.
At one point in time I would have tried to stop you.
Right now I would hold the door and help you pack the car.
If you really want to get away from me that bad.
It makes me sad really.
How quickly you've changed in such a short time.

Is this the real you that you've been hiding.
Since you tell me now that your never happy.
Your life's goal is to make others happy since you don't know how to make yourself.
Happy, I think that's a lie. I think you've just been too busy running.
Trying to hide from your past, hoping it doesn't catch up.

For people to lift the curtain and see what your really like.
I know I'm not a stage show, this is no act.
This nice guy, it's who I am to everyone.
Sorry to make you think it's fictious
Making you think it's all aimed in your direction.
I don't have a questionable past that I hide from.

Hopefully one day you'll find out what your running from.
But I know the answer is you.

Kennie

Looking For Light

Spent the last countless years drowning in darkness.
Having to make people feel sorry for me to feed off it.
The last time I had those feelings I was walking the halls.
High school made me feel that low, but other thoughts flooded my mind.
At times I didn't know if I was going to get out of it alive.
Or was I going to turn my life over to the darkside.

Maybe that would have been the only way I found out.
That people cared about me, that they didn't want me to do what I was doing.
Only one of them stepped up and showed me that, I freaked out. I ran.
She never seen me again, she didn't know if anything happened.
Having to make someone else feel sorry for myself isn't me.

I hated that side of me when it came out.
I can still hear my soul screaming out.
Wondering what the fuck am I doing.
Made a promise to myself years ago that I wouldn't put myself through it.
But yet here I sit and I continued to go through it for years.
I thought that's what I needed to do to be accepted.

Then an angel came to me, she woke me up.
Showed me that I didn't have to act like that or be that way.
She tossed me a rope filled with compliments as she helped me climb out of the hole.
Showing me that I didn't need to change.
That I was perfect the way I am.

Kennie


Too Much Thinking Is Bad For My Health

I've put many people in positions in my mind that they say they wouldn't do.
Lying to me or cheating on me, when they tell me the opposite.
I tend to over think everything, all possible scenarios.
If they want to do those things to me, I'll gladly let them.
It tells me that they're not worthy to have me in there life.

Some people have a revolving door of friends.
Mine is locked from the inside.
I don't let many in, I let more out.
Trust doesn't come easily to some, I'm the same.

Too much thinking is bad for my health.
It keeps me up at night.
It takes over my life and ruins my thoughts.

Need to start clearing my mind
Cleansing my thoughts.
Everyone can hurt me .
I'll walk away from it all.

Kennie


I Am

I am the quiet one with no voice.
I am the quiet one who can't speak his mind.
When put in situations I hide.
I am the one who doesn't like confrontation.

I know I'm not alone.
I know I'm not the only one who sits by himself in a dark room with his thoughts.
Wondering if certain things will change.
I am the one to tell all of you who also do that, your not alone.

I am the one to tell you that no matter what, life goes on.
Struggles are difficult in every sense of the word.
But life will go on.
I am the one who has made mistakes.
I am the one who have learned.

I am the one who use to reach out to others.
In this day and age it's a tough thing to do.
It can be frowned upon if you do so.
It's possible to be looked at in a negative way.

I am the one.
I am the one who'll get through things either by himself or with someone.
I am the one who will never hide his past journey
I am the one who will never hide his past darkness

I am me
I am Kennie

Kennie


Be Somebody

We all want to be somebody.
How many times have you listened to someone or seen a movie.
Wanting to be that person on the screen or in your ear.
We all want to be somebody, but don't want to give ourselves a chance.

We all go through trials and tribulations in our lives.
The paths are never paved, the hills are steep.
There's no chairlift to take us to the top.
We all have to walk, find out own path.
What one person did, may not work for the next.

You have to stand tall, make your own path and live your own life.
Listening to the stories of others is great, but don't follow there path.
Have your own life, have your own misfortunes. Be greatful for what you have and had.
Your past will make you a better person in your future.
May not like what you go through, nobody does.

You'll have tunnels of darkness.
You'll have pathways of light.
I don't wish my life upon anyone.
Not my greatest friend, not my worse enemy.

I don't want anyone elses life.
At times I don't want to have mine.
In my mind I can see me being friendless in the future.
But if that's the path I have to take, then so be it.

It's my life, it's my path.
I want to be somebody
I want to be ME

Kennie


Not Superman

I'm not one who can help others.
I just don't even bother.
I'm not superman, nope I'm not superman.

I trust my gut more than I trust most people.
But I still can't thread an eye of a needle.
I'm not superman, nope I'm not superman.

I find myself spending many hours alone.
Walking around the house without a phone
I'm not superman, nope I'm not superman.

Yet for some reason people look at me as something great.
When I'm just someone who drives them irate.
I get quiet all of a sudden and they ask me why.
It takes a lot for me to come out and tell them, cause I'm still shy.
I'm not superman, nope I'm not superman.

Kennie



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