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Kenesis
by Kennie Kayoz
Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing
Smashwords Edition

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It's Who You Are, Not Who You Was


Your always looked at for who you are

Not who you was.

The past is behind you, your future is now.

Could be a complete prick now, in the past you were nice.

Nobody would care about the past, they would look at you now.

See what's infront of them.

Many don't try to figure you out, they take you at face value.

Your face doesn't have a value.

Once you do something I dislike, it's very hard for me to look at you differently.

That one thing will always come to mind.

Trust isn't something that comes easy for me.

But can be taken away as quick as I blink.


Kennie

Resurrected


Walked outside to bring in wood.

As the rain fell from the sky washing everything away.

I felt the rain drops land on top of my head and run down.

Paused for a moment, looked up at the sky with my eyes closed

I felt the rain all over my face and it ran down, it felt so refreshing.

Feeling as if I was resurrected, a new me was brought forth.

Could feel the old me just wash away, it made me feel better.

Through all the troubled times I went through I felt like things were clear.

It was time to brush off the past and move forward.

A new me head to come forth.

I'm not the same guy I once was, I have changed.

Can feel the change inside of me.

Knowing that moment that the idea I was planning on doing.

Was the right choice.

I no longer had any doubt in my mind.


Kennie

Disappointment


I'm sorry that you look at me and see disappointment.

Everything I do that's all you see.

I know that I am behind in life.

I struggle with everything.

I try my best but clearly I stay behind everyone.

At times I feel like I just need to apologize to everyone.

As positive as I stay in this world.

I know that life isn't easy

It's a real struggle for me.

Simple things like a conversation is difficult.

I feel like I just can't find the right words.

So at times I string words together in hopes of making sense.

Sometimes it comes out the way I want it to

Other times it sounds like jibberish

Sometimes people complain to me that I mumble what I say.

Not sure if it is that or if I just struggle to find the words.

Maybe that it's because I am quite, I just speak in a lower volume.

When I get asked to repeat myself I feel stupid.

So I rethink what I said and analyze it a hundred times.

To make sure that it makes sense.

I know that if people met me they wouldn't see someone with confidence.

Just some socially awkward man who is unsure of himself.


Kennie

Do You Remember


Do you remember the first time your pen touched the paper.

When your soul bled through the ink that you wrote with.

The emotions were real and raw, you didn't care.

You never gave it a second thought.


You didn't listen to how others told you to write.

If it was right or wrong.

Pure emotion ran through your body.

As you wrote you could feel your soul being bled.

From inside, through your hand onto the paper.


No matter what colour ink you used, you seen it.

It was almost an animated feeling of seeing it pour out of you.

There was nothing like that feeling.

Since then you tried to find it again.


You keep writing in hopes of finding that feeling again.

Stressing with each word that goes to paper.

Thinking you no longer have it in you..


Your writing has became a drug and you need a fix.


Kennie

Moody and Dark

Why don't I just keep writing happy poetry ?

Cause my life is so moody and dark, just don't get me started.

I try and keep things positive, but so many dark clouds that are above me.

I'm surprised I can stay focused on it so often.

My life remains in the dark.

I rarely do shine a light on it.

It's easier if I don't make mention about it.

Keeping myself quiet, yeah I always keep myself quiet.

I see so much going on in this world but I'm not superman.

So how can I stop it

Can't be protecting people, just have to let them be.

If they make the mistake I've warned them about then hopefully they won't flee.

I'm so use to expressing my anger and hatred through these words.

But once the calendar turned to 2018 I promised myself a new leaf.

I would do my best to bring forth my best and put the hate and anger behind me.

It's not a easy change to go through.

In this day and age everything is taken out of context.

A new leaf is what I shall turn.

As the new year is upon us.

This is just the start of 2018

Welcome to my Kenesis


Kennie

Boredom


Boredom

As I sit around the house boredom washes over me.

Like a breath of fresh air, it almost becomes second nature.

If I'm not bored than what would I be

Clearly you haven't lived my life.

I sit around by myself constantly, I try to entertain my self.

But I can only entertain so much before my brain wants to shut down.

It becomes the time when I feel like I can't do anything.

Almost like a paralyzed state of boredom.

I sit and look at the wall and wonder if that's all.

Is that all I'm going to do today.

Wanting to go back to bed, to crawl under the sheets.

People question about depression.

My life has never been any different.

It wouldn't surprise me if I was depressed.

I have a hard time figuring out what I want to do.

Nothing seems to last.

Hobbies don't seem to last, they sound good, I hype them in my mind.

But after a short time I have lost all interest in them.

Almost daily I remove everything from my computer.

Almost daily I put everything back on my computer.

Video games don't last long, I get bored of them.

At times I wonder if I'm in a vegetative state in my life.

I wish I could put my mind to sleep at times.

Also wishing I could turn it off at night.

My boredom will last forever.

I gave it my all

My boredom appears to want it more.


Kennie

Roads To Get Me Here Poetry


I've traveled many roads to lead me to where I am.

Some were brightly lit.

Others were dark and no sign of light.

The ones that were dark, I didn't know if I would survive.

But I trusted my gut, I hoped I would come out stronger.

I have since licked my wounds and have moved on.

Dark roads do still affect me to this day and what I've traveled.

I don't think I will ever get over them.

They made me who I am today.

Life will always provide me with both light and dark roads.

I hope that I survive the dark.

The light should be that much brighter.

But I know it all comes with different types of light.

It's not uncommon for a road to start light and get dark.

Or start dark but turn to light.

Not all roads start and end the same.

But I travel my own roads, they shape me into the one I am.

Some people like what they see.

Others do not.

But that's no longer my problem.

I just present myself in the only way that I know how.


Kennie

Kept Me Caged


Kept Me Caged

Kept me caged with darkness

Felt like everything had to be that way.

When I tried to change.

You did what you had to, to bring me down.

Always had to be your way and a short leash is what you wanted me on.

Now the leash is broken, I've ran free.

I have seen the light.

I've also seen the stupidity.

Not willing to learn, not willing to problem solve.

Jumping to the easiest conclusion.

Making me shake my head and wonder.

How was I being caged all this time by you.

What was the power that you held above me.

Then I realized it was how you lived your life.

Knowing that's how you wanted to be.

I always pushed for change, you seemed like you wanted it too.

But a wolf can always wear sheeps clothing to blend in.

When it comes to walking with the sheep and being a sheep.

Sooner or later the wolf's presence gets noticed.

We know that your not one of us, we know that you did your best to hide.

But it didn't happen.

After a while we watched the way you walked and talked.

You didn't want to walk with us.

You wanted to affect us.

Turn us into something we're not.

Failure came onto the wolf, the sheep remained pure.

I dust off my wool and continue to move forward, leaving you wolf behind.


Kennie

Paralyzed Emotions


I'm paralyzed

I've seen the other side of you.

Now you try to go back to the old one.

After a bad day you try to hug me for comfort.

I pushed you back and off to the side.

You want to act like you do and expect nothing to change.

It's a shame that you have to do that.

But clearly I'm just a waste and I don't deserve your time.

So next time you have a bad day you should run to one of the two guys

That it takes to replace me, and this secret life that you have.

It's all complete garbage, it's just a little girl trying to get attention.

But at the end of the day I will be me.

You can be who you want to be in order to be happy.

But we all know that you keep lying to yourself.

You don't know what happiness is

But you can just keep searching for it.

You don't know what acceptance is but you can keep searching for it.

Having to be someone you're not just to fit in.

Last I checked that meant that you are trying to be a wolf.

I ended in sheep's clothing and I have already seen it.

I have seen it.

I have seen it.



Kennie

I'm Not What You Thought


If you met me back in the day you wouldn't have heard a word.

I would be the shy kid hiding in the library with his face in the newspaper.

Checking the stats of last night's sports game.

Sitting around the table with a few people.

Most of which I went to elementary school with.

Not long before the bell everyone scatters, like my brain as they think I had ADD

I'm the last one to emerge.

I walk the halls alone.

Most people shouting obscenities at me.

I would walk by the vice principal and look at him, he'd drag my ass into his office.

Pull up my missed days on the computer, question me about them.

I would try to change the subject and question why he didn't do anything.

He wasn't having none of that so he would change it back to my missed days.

After he told me to sit down.

I told him if you got off your ass and did your job you'd see it.

So many things from that school that I do regret.

A few good things did come from that school.

Knowing that my life will be affected by those years.

Maybe one day something will happen and put that out of my mind.

I don't know

Only time will tell.


Kennie


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