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Excerpt for Growth by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Growth
by Kennie Kayoz
Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing
Smashwords Edition

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Everytime I Feel Sad

Everytime I feel sad I notice that people seem to run.
They think it's there fault and I can't get sad without them.
In my life I have enough to be sad about.
I struggle with my life everyday.

Some days are better than others, I admit I'm not glowing with happiness.
I don't force it either, when I'm feeling down I'll admit it.
Despite turning over a new leaf I don't see it changing my moods.
Can't help but question things from time to time.

Got very few friends, can't help but ask them "why?"
Why do they actually care about me.
Why do they actually want to keep me.
Not sure if it's a mental health thing or just me.

My mental stability hasn't been much different.
Seems to be a very fragile state at times.
When people get close to me, they do see the real me.
I pull open the curtains and show them what the world doesn't.

When sadness erupts like a volcano, I let them know.
Maybe that's why I don't have many friends , that makes them go.
Always thought friends were suppose to be here through the bad times.
Never had that one friend to just randomly call.

Just to see how I'm feeling today.
Telling me they're here if I ever need them.
Telling me they're here if I ever need them.

Kennie


The Stars

I sit and stare out the window, looking up at the stars.

Looking for answers to the questions in my head.

Sadly it doesn't provide me with much of a answer.

I keep looking, in hopes of seeing something that makes me feel better

Is someone looking up who is looking for me.

Or am I just looking for something that isn't there.

I question everything about myself over and over again.

I question my life as well

I don't know where I see myself in this world.

I always wonder why should I get out of bed.

Is there a point to doing that.

I really don't have any answers about anything.

I am just roaming this earth unsure of what to do.

Kennie


Greatness

I was born for greatness
The moment I was born and baby talk came from my mouth.
It was me stringing poetry together that only I could understand.
Nobody else could understand, the words that I spoke.
Even today, when I start to mumble. It's always been thought provoked.

I knew I wasn't like anyone else on this planet.
As I grew up, some say that I was just too quiet.
Others took the time to get to know me.
My words were made fun of by some.
But that just ignited my fire.

As I continued through life, it still happens.
But now my fire has turned into a pen.
It's always been mightier than the sword.

I might be nameless
I might be faceless
But I know I was born for greatness.

Kennie


Time To Show The World

As the clock struck 2 my thoughts started to be come clear.
Clearer than ever, I was told back in the day that one person shouldn't write several styles.
But here I am, never been one to stick with just one subject.
Anything my mind wants to write about I sit down and just let it bleed out.
To the paper or screen, anything for me to show you that it's not what it seems.

But then voices in my head appear and I have to give them names and persona's.
In order for people to keep wanting to keep up with what I do.
I don't understand it, why can't just one man write a thousand different ways.
I must be like Mil Mascaras with a thousand faces, but I got a thousand ideas.
Everyone of them different, I don't want to just write one way.

I want to show the world what I can do.
I need to show the world what they have been missing.
So as I sit here during the early hours I feel that I have to call it quits.
But with my other names, the other voices in my head.
I only need one, I don't need anymore than that.

I just need the one voice, I need mine.
I will continue to show the world what I can do.
I'll take the average writer and flip them into something new like a hybrid.

From this point on, no matter if I'm in the middle of something or not.
It's all going under one name, it's time to light the world up for them to see.
It's time for the world to see just how talented one can be.
Just how talented one can be.

Kennie


Trying To Figure Out

This year is all about finding myself.
Who am I, what makes me happy.
The last little while I just went where the wind took me.
Looking back at times I really didn't see myself as happy.

I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder, what would make me happy.
Wondering who the guy is looking back at me, at times I almost feel lost.
Trying to figure out who I am, trying to figure out what I want.
I know this year is all about soul searching.

Times when I thought I liked myself I found myself waking up sick.
Feeling stressed and not sure what was going on.
I needed to reconfigure myself and reassess my happiness.
Kept trying to drown myself in various things in hopes of that's what I wanted.

In the long run it wasn't, in the short run it might have been.

Kennie


In My Past

When I use to roam the halls of high school I was bullied and harassed.
I dropped out back in 1999 and after years of trying to clear my mind of it.
I realized I can't do that, it's still a big part of my life.
Tried to drown myself in many things in hopes of pushing it from my mind.

Later, I came to the realization that it will always be apart of my life.
Sitting down with myself I had a talk, I promised myself one thing.
I promised that I wouldn't let myself go through that anymore.
Knowing how much it has affected my mind and thought process.

Now being in my mid 30s I'm still affected by it, it still affects me.
I wondered if something else would come around that would overtake that.
Back in December of 2005, I lost my Father to a car accident.
It tends to affect me in the month of December the most.

Feeling like I'm broken, loosing a parent didn't affect me as much as torment.

Kennie


More Of You, Less Of Me

I need to show the world more of you, less of me.
Overreacting to situations and getting angry easily is a common trait of mine.
Since the start of the new year I've been more calm trying to portray a better me.

More of you, Less of me.
I struggle with my life so much, but I know I can turn to you for guidance.
To show me on the right path rather than burn the bridge that I just passed.
You will show me that there was a reason for what happened.

I may not have much of a voice for myself.
Trouble speaking my own words.
But the guidance is always welcomed to show me the way.

Knowing that I'm already lost in this world.
Not knowing where to turn.

I need more of you
Less of me

Kennie


Hold On

Hold On, you got this.
No matter what life tosses your way you can overcome.
Never been one to say life will be easy.
If it was than we'd all would give up trying.

Forgive but don't forget.
Always be cautious about what you do and who you trust.
Forgive others for the mistakes they made but never forget it.
It's important to learn from your past experiences.

It took me over thirty years for myself to learn that.
For the longest time I would never forgive and hold everything against everyone.
Nobody deserved a second chance.
Not really the way to live ones life.

Hold On, you got this.
No matter what life tosses your way you can overcome.
Never been one to say life will be easy.
If it was than we'd all would give up trying.

Life is all about making more memories than regrets.
We all have our own regrets in our lives.
But certain situations made us react certain ways.
If nothing just live and learn.

You'll be a better person once you get through it.
The struggle is difficult, life is too.
But nobody said life was easy.
Nor would it be error free.

Kennie


Shake It Off

No matter what happens, you have to learn to shake it off.
It may seem like a big thing in your life at this point in time.
But  it will be a drop in the lake that is your life.
Shake it off and move on, something else will come your way.

I know at times it won't be an easy thing to do.
Sometimes it will be a challenge.
Sometimes it will even test you as a person.
It will be difficult.

Getting over stuff is never easy.
Getting through stuff is never easy.
But that bad thing that happened to you.
Shake it off and move forward

Something bigger and better is coming your way.
You have to gain the strength to get to it.

Kennie


Careless

That feeling when you know that they don't care.

It just over takes you in every way.

Maybe it's for the best of you.

It's a tough decision to make.

No matter what the choice.

Know that your decision is right.

The future is a long way away.

Maybe instead of me, it's someone else.



Kennie


The Fault Of One

Growing up I've learned the power of one.
Simply the one is me, the fault is mine.
No other way of wording it.
Doesn't matter if I'm by myself or together with someone.

Clearly everything is the fault of me.
I can do no right.
I do plenty of wrong.
Or so they tell me.

For a quiet guy, I certainly do much wrong.
Always getting blamed by the opposite.
Knowing nothing, learning everything.
Sitting back, and catching blame.

The fault of one
The fault of Ken

Kennie


How Quick We Give Up

It's amazing how quick one gives up on another.
To render them null and void.
To forget they exist.

Almost like the delete key on the keyboard removes all traces of life.
I guess that's how some people think.
That's fine, I know people exist beyond the 3W as this is just a small portion of life.

I don't give up on people.
I try to be there for all who are there for me.

Kennie


WannaBe


You have no idea who you are, never did.

Bet yet your letting your "friends" influence your life.

They're just using you because your letting them.

They know your in a confused state right now.

So they know it's easy to get your legs open.

For them to penetrate you and only talk to you when they want more.

They will drop the "L" word and compliment you to make you feel special.

Cause they know that's what your looking for in your life.

The relationship that you say your not looking for, is OK with them.

They just want that spot between your legs.

They want to see what your willing to do.

Make you do things and put you in awkward positions.

Make it where you have to hide your face in shame.

Do what you have to in order to run from your past.

That's your entire life at this point is running.

Must hide, ignore it like it doesn't exist.

You always wanted to ignore it until it went away.

I wanted you to talk to me about it, I was understanding.

But I see how that goes you told your friends everything.

Left me out in the rain.

I gave up on you and moved on, do my best to stay away.

But I watch you and see what your doing.

That past that you were so ashamed of, your running back to.

But that's clearly what you want is to have something in your life you have to hide from.

It's shameful that you can't figure out who you are.

Letting your friends dictate your life.

Kennie


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