Excerpt for Take What You Want...But Leave Me the Hoover by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Take what you want.....

...but leave me the hoover.


Purple chickens

Weird dream

Has anybody seen my buttocks?

Still got the blues

Drug bunny

Where have all the sheep gone

Blancmange suicide

Cold turkeys

Never mow your sofa on a Thursday

Eight legs on my chariot

Epsilon haze

Snails bounty

Battery chicken

Wasps nest

Bullet surprise

The urban turban


Take what you want but leave me the hoover

Furry things

Rats in the cellar

Worlds without end

Rubber postman


Within a mind

There's toilet-paper down my underpants

Here comes the revolution


Why should I be happy

when I'm happy being sad?

Why should I be angry

when the whole world calls me mad?

Seven fluffy conkers

flew across the milky sea,

fifty thousand carrots

got very drunk on herbal tea.

Sea-lion in a wristwatch

how did you get there?

Go away, I haven't time,

I don't care.

Purple chickens

Purple chickens

what the hell?

Purple chickens


Cluck, cluck

feather duster


dusty buster.

Weird dream

I woke up one morning

with this image in my head,

it was a rubber tumble-dryer

and a Russian made of lead.

There was a penguin with a razor

nailing chickens to a chair,

and a Turkish hoover salesman

with Noel Edmonds in his hair.

There were lobes of different sizes

playing tennis in the snow,

an enchanted land called Eyeball

where furry balaclavas grow.

A toothbrush and a mattress

leaving footprints in your bed,

an opera-singing teapot

and a nostril painted red.

Smiling concrete sofas

flying west across the sky,

an exploding purple hedgehog

and a floating chicken pie.

There was a Welshman in a bread-bin

having dinner with a goat,

and a paper Yorkshire miner

with a cooker in his throat.

A double bed in Paris

plucking budgies with the pope,

sitting in a vat of butter

watching tea-towels smoking dope.

Has anybody seen my buttocks?

Has anybody seen my buttocks?

They were here a moment ago,

but they seem to have vanished,

I wish they wouldn't keep doing that.

They're annoying enough as it is,

the last thing I want to do

is walk around with no buttocks.

None of my trousers fit anymore,

when I try to go to the toilet

I fall in the bowl!

I will have to keep my plectrums elsewhere.


Still got the blues

I still got the blues

found them in my booze

It's difficult to choose

when I'm drowning in the blues

I still got the blues

but I'm wearing happy shoes

there's nothing left to lose

there's solace in bad news

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