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Long Road To No Where
by Kennie Kayoz
Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing
Smashwords Edition

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I Sit

Here I sit in complete darkness, only the glow of the tv.

Maybe things will change, but I doubt it.

Tomorrow will be no different.

Next day will be the same.

I sit in the dark

Lonely and shy.

Wondering why

Nothing seems to change.

I'm nothing special.

People say otherwise but I don't see it.

I sit in the dark

Lonely and shy

Wondering why.

Kennie


Shy

I sit and look at the tv.

No friends, nothing to do.

But yet lots of thoughts going through my mind.

Not sure if I will get over it

Not sure if I want to.

Born to be shy

Easier not to talk about it.

Easier to understand.

Shy is my life.

My life is being shy

Kennie


Take Me Into The Light

Would someone take me into the light.
There's too much darkness in here.
Let me try to understand what it's all about.

Feeling like there's nothing left for me.
Wondering what the future is going to hold.
Wanting to shut my brain off at night.

Would someone take me into the light.
There's too much darkness in here.
Let me try to understand what it's all about.

I know that I'm just going to be left here.
Sitting alone while the world moves on.
Wonder if anyone will take me into the light.

Would someone take me into the light.
There's too much darkness in here.
Let me try to understand what it's all about.

Kennie


Broken Record

Like a broken record my brain repeats thoughts that it shouldn't have.
Some dark, some light.
Mixing it's confusion about people and having me shake my own head.
Trying to piece together the right things about the right people.

My mind keeps me awake at night.
I wish it has an off switch.
Sometimes I can silence it, other times there's no stopping it.
Figuring it out at times is like a jigsaw puzzle.

Like a broken record my brain repeats thoughts that it shouldn't have.
Some dark, some light.
Mixing it's confusion about people and having me shake my own head.
Trying to piece together the right things about the right people.

Over a thousand pieces and not a single image to go by.
At times it takes nothing for my brain to become a broken record.
I know it's my own problem, having to deal with it.
Trying to put things together, wishing they would stay, but I know they won't.

It takes nothing to shatter my thoughts.
Taking me forever to piece them back together.
Worried that one day my thoughts will get mixed about people.
Start thinking the wrong thing and flip out unintentionally.

Like a broken record my brain repeats thoughts that it shouldn't have.
Some dark, some light.
Mixing it's confusion about people and having me shake my own head.
Trying to piece together the right things about the right people.

Kennie


Be Like That

I don't care anymore, you can be like that.
Keep acting one way but behind closed doors your a different way.
Telling me your easy going but your not going easy.
It started with a simple question that showed your true colours.

After things were said and done you complained.
I chuckled to myself about it, thinking it means nothing.
By the time I come back downstairs your in bed light still on ipod going.
Chuckled to myself again, didn't think much of it.

But clearly this is how you want to be, it was a puzzle, I solved it.
No matter what I always took other peoples thoughts into account for movies.
I know I get plenty of time to watch movies on my own so it's fine.
Clearly it's puppy dogs and that's it for you from now on.

I don't care anymore, you can be like that.
Keep acting one way but behind closed doors your a different way.
Telling me your easy going but your not going easy.
It started with a simple question that showed your true colours.

Keep complaining that your spending too much money recently.
Yeah I know what your dropping it on, even though you don't think I do.
It's funny to watch your reactions to things.
I knew something was up all this time.

I guess I didn't want to see it at first.
Now I wonder how I didn't.

I don't care anymore, you can be like that.
Keep acting one way but behind closed doors your a different way.
Telling me your easy going but your not going easy.
It started with a simple question that showed your true colours.

Kennie


Left Out In The Cold

Got left out in the cold again.
Seems like this is where I belong.
Going to have to start thinking about dressing warmer.
Never know what tomorrow will bring.

Cold and outside as I sit looking at the rest of the world.
Almost like window shopping of people.
It almost seems like a constant thing.
Always being left out in the cold.

The one who gets passed by.
The earth revolves, I stand still.
People move, I stand still.
Seeing my place in life more and more.

I understand where I am.
Understand where I sit.
See how things are.
Hopefully my brain will see it too.

More common than not.
Always out in the cold
I continue to sit.
Don't be begging for change.
Change doesn't happen.

Kennie


Your Life

This is your life
You choose to lie.
You made your own bed to lay in.
The second that the secrets started.

You chose to turn your voice on low, the whispers began.
Only those you chose could hear you.
I was not one of them.
When I thought I heard something you played it off.

You would talk under your breath.
Felt like I was in school again.
Yet I thought I could have trusted you.

This is your life
You choose to lie.
You made your own bed to lay in.
The second that the secrets started.

Every day I open my eyes I wish I could forget.
Then things begin to happen and I realize it's not over yet.
On everyone's list I'm always at the bottom.
Sitting between remember and always forgotten.

Kennie


Reaching My Hand Out

It's a difficult thing to do.
Reaching my hand out, to help a fellow human being.
How does one react if rejected ?
Just walk away like nothing happened ?

What if that human does something after you reach out your hand.
Do you not feel responsible, or do you feel not worthy.
Could you have helped that person.
Or did reaching out made it worse ?

How could reaching out make it worse, your just trying to help.
Some are so set in there ways and closed minded that they're set with one outcome.
What if you can change the course of someones life.
For the better.

To show them that they're on the wrong path.
To show them that they have someone here for them.
That's what one is suppose to do, is it not ?
Compassion is in all of us.

No matter what another has done, we all try to help each other.
You can't force your help onto another.
That might just push things into the wrong direction.

What if your right and they're reaching left because they refuse your hand.
All one can do is try and hope that the person will reach back.
To save another.
To help another.
To show another that they have help if they need it.

Kennie


That’s All You Wanted

Let me throw away every single memory.
If this is what you wanted from minute one, you should have said.
Clearly your happier acting this way then having to live inside of your head.

Tell me your doing things to help out a friend.
By the looks of things your looking at getting tag teamed.
But clearly that's what you wanted all this time.

Telling me you weren't into anything sexual after a few years.
It's funny how quick that comes out of you now.
I see what came into this house, you just want to ruin your life.

Maybe it was me being to loving and caring, always trying to be there for you.
I should have let you do what you wanted from the start.
Seeing how you seem that much happier now than you were before.

If that's who you want to be, now your free to be.
I knew someone else was involved in making your choices.
Every decision you made had to be passed through someone else.

I feel sorry for you.
I know I have trouble making decisions, like to discuss things.
Maybe even write things out to let my mind glance things over.

Hearing the lies that come out of your mouth now.
It's just shocking, or have you finally admitted the truth.

Kennie


Fucking Liar

I can't believe how much you fucking lied to me over the years.
Relationship started out good then a few years later you told me
"No more sex, I'm not into it"
My mind began to question if I did something wrong.

After continuing the relationship for countless years
You began to fucking roll your eyes everytime I hugged or kissed you
Once again I thought I was doing something fucking wrong.
Walking around like a fucking little princess better than everyone.

I was too fucking blind to see that shit but yet there you were.
Starting to treat people like shit so I would bend over backwards for your fat ass.
Can't fucking believe it but I did it anyway cause I thought I knew what love was.

I had a gut feeling that you were up to no good, so I played on my gut instinct.
Done it before with other things too and wasn't wrong.
What does my gut show me.
You lied to me this whole time and your nothing but a whore.

Just wanting to use me so you got a place to stay.
Wanting to get away from your parents cause you didn't get along with them.
When you knew you had it in with my family shit stopped and this attitude began.
Can't fucking believe that someone would treat another person like this.

Second time I trusted my gut instinct it revealed to me more than words could have.
Your trying to get your friends to gang bang you because all of a sudden you had an "awakening"
Are you fucking kidding me right now ?
All these years I thought it was me, clearly you have the stop and go on that drive.

I learn more in one night than I did learn in thirteen fucking years.
I bet you even cheated on me too, cause that's the type of person your turning out to be.
After I came across what I did, I began to shake in fucking anger.
How could you do this to me.

But it's clear your a user, your the worst kind of fucking female out there.
Using your body to get shit in life, playing on peoples feelings.
I trusted you, I fucking loved you, I gave you a ring.
Clearly you had no feelings towards me, but you were just playing a role.

Never knew I was dating a washed up actress you stupid bitch.
But yet everything is an act to you.
You have to "perform" when the spot light is on
Did your manager say it was OK.

I can fucking bet which one of your friends he is.
Now I know why you kept me away from your friends.
All these fucking years.

Kennie


You Wish You Knew What Love Was

You wish you knew what love was.
After everything finished you talked about "how you don't need love"
All your looking for is to be used time and time again.
That's all you want to be is constantly used.

Used by one guy after another, because you don't know how to love.
You know how to use people and how to make people think you care.
But when it comes down to actual love, you only wish you knew.
It's really quite sad that you want to be passed around like a paper plate.

Once that person is done with you, then passed to the next.
Then back to the first, it's like they will just line you up.
But I guess you've realized that nobody truly does want you.
So you have to give yourself to your friends.

Since clearly no one wants them either.
I thought you were better than that.
Clearly I was wrong about that thought.

Wish I could have helped you.
I tried, now it's time to watch the train, wreck.
You think you know everything and want to give attitude.
I'll be sure to have the first seat to watch your life.

Watch it get flushed away.

Kennie


Stupid Bitch

I can't believe for one second you think I have no clue.
It's like watching you walk down a winding path I can see every step.
The lies that come out of your mouth on a constant.
But yet when it was me on the other end you kept saying no.

Playing mind games and other games is all you can do.
Since you know deep down nobody would want you.
The only thing you can offer them is sex, not love, not support.
Every thing else makes you complain.

Watching you go through all this, I know your going to get kicked out.
It's a slippery path but it's only a matter of time.
Your not smart enough to hide it.
In fact you've already slipped up.

You keep running up your credit card to please the other three.
But it's funny to see.
That you would turn towards friends to do sexual things with.
I bet you fucked him constantly when we were together.

You've always been a puppet and someone was the puppet master.
I watched from a distance for so long.
It was just fucking torture how one could treat me like that.

Kennie


She Believes

She believes that she should be worshiped.
No doubt also believes that she can walk on water.
Too bad that shit is frozen and I can see cracks forming

Each step she takes the cracks get bigger and I know she's going to fall.
She hopes that her attitude will save her as her friends will come running.
But I know her truth won't set her free, as she better be prepared to drown.

In her lies, as I look into her eyes.
She thinks she's better than everyone else just cause she has tits and pussy.
Too bad that shit basically has a revolving door that she can turn on or off.

Or the puppet master can, I wonder if she's ever made a decision in her own life.
Maybe she just left it up to the puppet master.
Whomever pulls that string.

I wonder who made her feel like that.
But yet she acts all down and depressed, which is just a front.
So she doesn't show the world how she feels.

She complained that she got passed up for a promotion that she deserved.
When she was only in that position for a year or two.
Talk about entitled, that made her depressed.

Who had to save her that time.
Yup, it was me if that's who you guessed.
I won't be there next time.

I seen those inner workings
It's like her own personal cult.
Say no to cults kids, say no to cults.

Kennie


How You See Me

It's amazing how you see me.
After all these years and all I've done and still do for you.
Remember back in the day Mom had a problem with you
So I bent over backwards so she wouldn't kick you out.

A few years later she had another problem so once again
I stuck my neck out so she wouldn't kick you out.
But yet you look at me as a monster.
I don't understand.

We get shitty weather, I go outside before you get home.
I shovel to make sure you can get into the driveway.
Last time I checked I thought that was being a nice guy.
Once again I'm the monster.

I wanted to talk to you about something.
Then your attitude flared up.
I forgot I'm the monster with no heart.
Your life should be so much better since you have everything figured out.

Every little thing that happens you question everyone.
You give everyone attitude about everything.
I'm not sure how anyone else sees it.
But I bet to your friends, you don't act that way.

Shit, I never realized maybe it's your too damn privileged.
You must be that child who watches tv, movies and listens to music.
Having to take lines from that song and repeat them over and over.
Until you believe that it's you.

Kennie


Already Know

I already know I lost you.
From the moment those words hit the screen I knew I did.
With you saying you wanting to think about what's more important.

It comes down to choosing me or a bigger family.
I told you I don't want kids, you know I struggle so much with my past.
Bullied and harassed, I always read stories about kids going through it now.

The difference is now they can't get away from it, there's facebook, instagram, snapchat
All ways to get in touch with someone, not to mention cell phones.
If I couldn't get away from it, my life story maybe different.

I would loose my mind if my child went through it.
Knowing what it did to me.
I would loose sleep at night.

Just know this, if you don't choose me.
I will forever respect you.
You have been the greatest gift in my life.

I will love you forever and always.
Knowing things will be awkward if you choose what I figure you will.
Respecting your choice is a promise I will make to you.

You deserve to follow your heart.
It knows you best.
I love you Natasha

Kennie


I Feel

I feel like I just watched someone I love walk out of my life.

It's almost like it was in slow motion.

It makes me wonder if there is someone out there for me

Or if that is a myth that they say.

When truly how would they know if someone was out there.

There is no proof of that idea.

You can believe it or not.

It's your own choice if you want to.

As I sit alone in my bedroom.

At times I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

But yet lots of the time I don't think my future will be different.

Kennie



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