Excerpt for Never Know What Is Playing In My Mind by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Never Know What Is Playing In My Mind

by Kennie Kayoz

Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing

Smashwords Edition


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Why Is It ?


Why is it that I have trouble speaking my mind

At times when I want to say something I end up shaking instead.

Not many people seem to notice me shaking when it happens

But it's very very noticeable

At times I wish I had more courage to speak my mind

Say what I want to say in voice rather than text

But I don't see that ever happening

Not now, not ever

Growing up every time I tried to speak my mind I would get yelled at.

Almost like I wasn't suppose to have my own thoughts

I had to think the same as my parents

Anything different was wrong

I still have problems overcoming this

Still shake at times a lot, other times not so much.

I don't think I will be able to overcome this entirely

Thinking it's always going to be apart of my life.

Another one of those traits that I have to live with

That I have no control over.

It's always difficult meeting new people.

I can't control me shaking, all the time.

But I know people look at me like there's something wrong with me.

I can't stop it when it starts.

To be honest it frustrates me

How could it not

I feel like in a sense it's a disability

People see it and think something is wrong

Kennie

I Fear...


I've always feared being alone.

To be alone with my own thoughts one would think is great.

However I start to over analyze things

Other things also come to mind.

No I'm not crazy

No I don't hurt myself

I have trouble keeping my own thoughts at bay.

I'm good with spending time alone just not a lot.

My mind will run rapid

My mind will try to convince me that certain things are true.

But I know in the near future I will have to get use to it.

I'll have to spend more time alone.

Not saying that being around someone is easier.

It depends on who the person is.

It depends on if I feel like I can talk to them.

At times when I talk I shake.

Trust me, it's noticeable.

It's my nerves acting up.

I try to do what I can to keep things at bay.

It's not an easy thing to do.

I have also noticed that at times I feel alone around people.

Almost like those movie scenes, everything is moving except one character

Yup that's how I feel with certain people, it's the worse kind of lonely

It's lonely but with people around.

That's a tough one to have to get through.

How exactly do you tell someone near you that you feel lonely when they're right there

I could never tell that person.

I would always struggle.

They didn't understand.

They would tell me to go see a doctor

A doctor can't help me, some people are good around people.

Some people are better by themselves

A small selection have trouble with both and just needs someone special

To be there with them and for them to feel the love and compassion from.

It's a difficult thing to explain to people, don't get me wrong.

Some people understand it from minute one.

Other people struggle with it.

Trying to explain things can frustrate me.

I try my best, but the frustration at times sets in.

I do my best, or I try to.

At times I don't think my best is good enough.

I try to be me

It's not easy.

Kennie

Disgust


Looking at how your running your life now compared to before.

Clearly you were hiding things from me that you choose not to admit.

I look at you now and want to vomit.

Your solution is to ignore things in hopes of them getting better.

Wonder how the rest of your life is going to work.

When you get used and passed around like a baseball glove.

Perhaps that's what you wanted all this time.

Feeling like you have nothing to offer anyone.

But having to lay in waiting like a snake in the grass.

It makes me think, what did you say to your friends about me before.

Of course they'll come to your back now, but you promised them sex.

You disgust me, everything you do I feel my stomach pulsate.

I wonder when it'll get to the point of actually throwing up.

Maybe if you bury your face in someones dick, your depression will vanish.

Perhaps if you lie about who you are, you'll feel better about yourself.

Clearly that's all you do, you don't even know who you are.

Your a thousand piece puzzle, but each piece is from a different set.

Your a follower not a leader, your life is full of regret.

Your everyones favorite till they fucked you then your an after thought.

Not sure how you can even look at yourself in the mirror.

Your the one who thinks abuse and bdsm is all fun and games.

I feel sorry for you that your mind can't wrap your head around things.

That you think that life is so simplistic.

Not understanding about how complex life is at times.

I don't even know if the word disgust is a strong enough word.

Kennie

My Drug


I've spent countless nights sitting in bed

Tapping away on the touchpad, wanting to get thoughts out of my head.

Into the digital world, onto my blog.

To leave my brain and let the picture come through the fog.

I know I have said many things that I would never say in real life.

The hatred and anger flowed through me like a murderer with a knife.

I've no doubt made people wonder if I was mentally stable.

But every week, I'm writing more to show you I'm more than capable.

Some nights I wish I could just stay up all night.

Letting my addiction take over as I sit and write.

I have too much to say and not enough time on my hands.

But if you met me in person you would see a quiet man.

I never knew anything to be so addictive.

When I sit down and my fingers hit the keys.

I'm no longer trying to figure out who to please.

The letters form words.

Words into sentences

From that the paragraphs get created

Spilling my soul to the page.

Letting out any emotion that I have to.

Writing is my drug, my drug is my writing.

At times I get feedback from people telling me I've helped them.

I smile and never thought that I was really that good at helping another.

Always love getting feedback to hear what my readers think.

May never be the most politically correct at what I say.

May have screwed up meanings of words that I thought meant other things.

Punctuation and grammar never my strong suit.

But the message is here for those to read

Kennie

Why ?


Why is it that my blog gets more reads than my releases

Why ?

I decided to try a new distribution company and it seems like it's hindering me

Why ?

The way I write I would think that most people would be able to relate to.

But here I sit getting next to no reads through the distributors

Or is it that I'm being fed

Lies

Lies

Lies

Let me ask you, is this wordpress stuff for real, is it real readers or just bots in the community

Why ?

It really makes me wonder when I see my blog getting likes almost everyday.

But nothing seems to travel beyond this one site, is it just me or do others see this

Why ?

I always have to ask the question, when I get people telling me they love how I write

Why aren't I getting more reads than I already am.

It's definitely not me slowing things down.

At times I schedule multiple posts in a day

Why ?

The question I keep asking myself when my stuff barely gets looked at

I can't help but wonder why is it that I'm not more popular here.

But yet my pen drips to the paper with ink.

My heart drips to the paper with blood.

They mix, you get poetry that most people can relate to.

WHY ?

Is it that I feel like my writing is struggling when I practically write something new each day.

It makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong

Kennie

Open Up Heart, Feelings Come Out


When we first got together you told me you would talk to me about everything.

But here it was last night I said one thing and you turned silent on me.

I know that you read these I can tell your still subscribed.

You seem to get reclusive when I say the wrong things.

But yet I thought you were the one who always wanted to talk about everything.

So when I hid stuff from you, you always questioned me till I spilled the beans.

No matter good or bad you wanted to hear my thoughts.

I was like Robin Hood, I stole your heart and then I was caught.

But you didn't care you still loved me for what I'm worth.

I know that I'm not worth a whole lot in some peoples minds.

I also know that I always give off the I do not belong here vibe.

But yet you seem to understand how I feel in certain situations.

Your one of few who want to know the thoughts inside my head.

But yet when I say the wrong thing I feel like I'm better off dead.

I do get frustrated cause I can't see you.

I know that it's my fault when we can't get together.

If I drove it would make for life to be easier.

Never once have I blamed you for us not getting together.

Sometimes I get the feeling like something else is going on.

That you know I would be upset if I found out so you do your best to hide it from me.

I know I'm like everyone else and I'm over protective of you.

But I worry about you because I love you.

I can already tell your nodding for the sake of it, with a eye roll mixed in.

Your burning the candle at both ends, I do understand.

I've told you for how long that your doing way too much.

You need time to rest and not just a little.

I know that you won't listen to me, you'll continue to live your life as you see..

Kennie

Mr Inconvenience


He's the one who doesn't live close

He's the one who lives in the middle of no where.

He's the one who you can put off seeing.

He's the one who you get to ignore

Not having to worry about going to visit

Making up excuses in the process.

No need to having to spend time with him.

I'm sure he knows how you feel.

Not wanting to go out and spend time.

But everything is fine, just continue to be you.

Perhaps one day he won't be around anymore.

Won't be apart of people's lives.

Just tired of it all and cuts his life off from others existence.

Not like it would matter, nobody would notice that.

He only plays a small roll in anyones life.

Easily swept under the rug.

Easily forgot about.

Go on about your daily life.

No need to worry about him.

No need to make promises.

No need to do anything regarding him.

He sees where his life is leading.

He sees what his life will become.

He sees how people look at him.

He knows he's an inconvenience.

Maybe one day if you wish really really hard

He won't be a burden or a part of ones life any longer

Kennie

Another Day, Another Fight


Always been Mr. Nice Guy at times I think it's a fault more than a blessing.

I have the ability to be an asshole but it really doesn't come out of me.

I've been this way all my life and would rather sit quiet than be the asshole.

Friday - Mom left for the cottage, my ex was at work.

When she got home I tried to be the nice guy with stuff, tried small polite conversations.

Knowing what she use to like I thought I would start with that.

Things went alright, we talked very little, I didn't want to push things.

I then stayed quiet and tried to stay away since she wasn't home for long.

Saturday - She also wasn't home for long I tried to talk about other things.

Normally things she would like, also tried not to force a conversation.

If things didn't take would have walked away from it.

Sunday - She went to the hospital for a MRI, I stayed home. Felt it was best.

I remember what happened last time I went to a hospital with her, still regretting it

Tried the same idea, simple conversation. Light conversation if need be walk away.

BOOM it all blew up in my face, tried to do something nice. Tried to keep the peace.

She complained about various things, telling me she's always been in tears. I tried to talk.

It wasn't the case, basically getting dumped on with blame that I'm the reason.

Threw my hands up, waved the white flag. Same analogy.

Back to bringing up conversations about her moving out, since nothing will change.

Everything I do, appears to be my fault.

It's easier if I just stay away from her, keep my mouth shut.

Talking very little, but if that's what is best that's what I have to do.

Clearly there is no helping her.

Either that or I just can't talk to women.

It might be both

Kennie

No Talking To Some


Yet another argument arose with the ex.

She's playing this two faced card again

I know she acts differently around me than around her friends.

All I want is her to be honest, but she can't do it.

On top of that having a bad day.

Bit my cheek two days ago, I think it swelled.

Couldn't eat a sandwich yesterday without biting it almost every bite.

The pain made me angry, many things boiled up.

I got pissed and told her "if you keep acting like this I'm blocking facebook"

Later I explained about what caused me to say it.

I also said I was going to lay down.

She now will barely touch the computer.

Guess it's her getting to hate on me with her friends more.

She'll go to work an hour earlier, to take her tablet.

Being able to check her email and facebook with friends.

At first I started to give a shit, that feeling passed.

I know there's no talking to her, wasn't when we were together.

Once one thing gets said in her mind it's true when it's negative.

But when it's positive you can say it thousands of times and it won't be.

Perhaps this is for the best.

I also noticed that I have to cut the front grass today.

Normally she does it, clearly she's given up on it.

Not exactly the way I want to start my morning.

But not going to leave it, no point in doing so.

I guess with her not helping it's more motivation

To kick her out, since her true stuck up side is being shown.

It was a rare sight when for the longest, now it seems to be common.

Guess there's no talking to some

I just don't know anymore

I know it's more stress on me.

Honestly I don't think I care anymore.

When she's gone I'm going to have to do it anyway.

Might as well get use to it.

Kennie

I Like To Surprise Ya


I like to surprise some people.

Most don't really expect it, they look at me as the Ken of old.

The one who spent his days hiding in the library.

Quiet kid, who never really said a whole lot.

Knowing when one is going through a bad day.

I tend to send random positive messages that they don't expect.

I know that they're surprised when they get them.

So many still look at me as the same guy.

They wouldn't think words like that would come out of my mouth.

But yet they do, I think in a few ways they mean more than most.

I could be wrong, could be very very wrong.

They might just be equal, or less than.

Like a math problem.

When life gets to you with it's own problems.

It will drag you down, to the bottom.

Sometimes you need help to get picked back up.

I like to say I can help with that.

But I know it's not a constant thing.

I'm sure when certain people get messages from me

They light up with a smile, no matter if they show it or not.

In there minds they do, or that's what I like to think.

Not sure if I'm entirely right or wrong

I try to do my part for those whom I know.

Kennie

Russian Roulette


Your life can end within a moment.

It doesn't even have to end with a trigger

You don't even have to pull it.

Next time you walk out the door could be your last time.

May not see anything you own again.

Anything can happen to you.

It only takes a blink of an eye.

How often do you turn on the news and see that someone else died.

Tomorrow that could be you.

Make sure the ones who are apart of your lives know you care.

If there's something else going on in your life be sure to talk about it.

Who knows what your last words to someone might be.

Your life can end within a moment.

It doesn't even have to end with a trigger

You don't even have to pull it.

Kennie


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