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Excerpt for Smeared Thoughts by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Smeared Thoughts

by Kennie Kayoz

Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing

Smashwords Edition


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Late Night


Sitting here at the computer late night.

Was laying in bed earlier, watched two movies and listened to some music.

Had enough then decided to get up.

Not really sure what else to do tonight.

My girl popped herself online, we chatted for a few.

At times we don't have much to say and that's fine.

Other times we sound like a broken record with the same questions and answers.

But neither one of us really care, it's just the communication that's nice.

I know I have always had trouble opening up to people.

I would like to think that I've gotten better with her

At times I think I have, other times I question it.

Have I really gotten better or am I just kidding myself

Just trying to make myself feel better about the situation in my life

Wondering what the future will hold.

As I continue to grow old and my insides grow cold.

I look at the clock and see that it's almost 3am

I wonder what I should be doing next.

Perhaps back to my bed is where I shall go to rest.

I don't overly feel tired

But lately I don't feel much of anything

Been trying to get my sleeping habits back to normal

It doesn't seem to be happening.

At times laying in bed starring up at the ceiling

Is the worse thing for me to do for myself.

My mind wonders

Thoughts be racing

I feel like I want to get out of bed.

I don't know if I should because that will just have me starring at a wall

As I write my thoughts I wonder why anyone would want to read these.

Wondering what the future holds.

Kennie

Mind Shattered


The last little while I feel like my mind is shattered

Still trying to figure out who I am.

I know what I use to enjoy doing.

But at times I struggle to regain that.

The interest doesn't seem to last.

I feel, I guess in a way, broken.

A shell of what I use to be.

Still trying to figure out who I am.

Certain things do seem normal

Other things don't and I question why I do them.

Scratching my head, making myself wonder

Certain times I can't look in the mirror anymore.

Other times I don't want to turn on my devices

To get messages from people.

Not that I don't want to talk, I just struggle with conversation.

Not sure how to answer things anymore

How do I explain that

When I sit and look at the screen

At times I struggle to write what I post.

Other times I wonder why I do.

It makes me wonder if I should keep doing it.

Similar thoughts go through my head.

I keep coming back to it

At times I wonder why

Still having trouble expressing myself

To myself or others close to me

Feel like I threw a rock inside my mind

Felt it shattered

Trying to piece it together like a puzzle

With no helping picture

Wondering if I should throw out certain parts

They don't fit into it anymore

Wanting to start certain things over, start them fresh.

I just don't know what to do

Sitting and wondering

Where to begin

Where to end

What the middle is

How this will all come together

What's left

Kennie

Non Drinker


Some people think I look down upon ones who drink alcohol

Or that I hate on you when you do such thing

Growing up, I was surrounded by drinkers

They were all two faced including my damn Father.

It was like lights on / lights off when he began to drink

That's how noticeable it was.

He would always try to act like he's my best friend

I learned this the hard way when he tried to get close to me

Then a few days down the road he tried to use what I said against me.

That's when I knew not to trust him when he was drinking.

Mom was the same way, at times she still is.

I gave up drinking before Dad passed away.

Could always see myself turning into him

That's one thing that I didn't want

So sadly yes if you drink around me you'll always see a different side of me.

You may not care who you see.

My whole family dumps on me for not being a drinker.

Various times a year they try to push it on me.

I would rather sit with pop in my hand

Rather than something with alcohol

People who meet other family members before me wonder why I don't drink.

My whole family uses it as a coping mechanism.

I use to go out with a few friends and drink every chance I got.

Then one day it was like I opened my eyes

Decided I didn't need to anymore.

I would try to drink a bit around my ex

Then I found she would push it more and more.

The little bit that I did, I didn't enjoy. It didn't last long

I quit doing it, she seemed to do it more.

It made me wonder if I was the cause

It was her way of dealing with me.

Before we split she talked drinking more and more

Doing liquid lunches just to forget.

She still talks like that

But now it's more static in the background

I made one comment to her about it since we split, she lost her shit.

Laughed as I walked away

I don't think I'm better than everyone else

I've always thought that I'm worse than everyone else

But my non drinking ways won't change that

If you drink around me then yes, you may see a different side of me.

Perhaps hear it in my voice too

Perhaps see it in my actions

It's just the way I am

It's how I look at things

Kennie

Dark Thoughts


Just found out a guy who lived near me passed away and his cause.

Never would have thought that, always seemed so happy.

It's got various people scratching there heads, they couldn't believe it.

While seeing the sadness I feel like I stepped out of my body and look around.

It makes me wonder if people would react the same for me.

If it was me and not him, would reactions be the same

Or would it roll off there backs like a bead of sweat.

Like it was nothing

Like I was nothing

Is that what people expect from me

Is that where my life is leading

I know at one point in my life I spent lots of time thinking like that

Trying to figure out how to say good bye, but in the lease obvious way.

I never did do it.

At times thoughts do come across my mind, how would things be different.

What can I say ?, In some ways I can relate.

I don't lead a great life

Nor do I lead a life filled with friends.

My life is rather quiet

Very empty

At times, very alone.

I don't blame anyone for my life

I've always had trouble making friends or talking

Besides I don't think it's anything I can change.

I never was any good at talking or expressing myself.

Although a few people would say differently.

I don't know if I would agree with them or not.

At times I think I have

Other times not so much.

Guess that's my life though

Always questioning things

Wondering if I am as well as what I feel or say.

These are just some of the dark thoughts that have went through my mind today

Kennie

Shut Off


At times I just want to shut off myself from the world.

It makes me wonder if it would be the best decision

Would anyone reach out wondering if I'm alright

Would they worry about me if they didn't hear from me

Or would my life be more filled with quietness

Could it even get anymore quieter

I doubt that it could.

I sit in quietness, wrapped in a blanket of quiet, drowning in quiet.

My thoughts echo

Inside my mind where only I can hear them.

I wonder what else is going on.

But I'm too busy drowning

I don't know if anyone notices

I don't know if anyone cares

I don't think it really matters

I'm no longer interesting

They have seen behind the curtain

I guess I'm just like every other monster

Or so that's how they look at me.

Feeling like I should be concerned with large groups

Pitchforks and fire

I'm the one who always looks down.

Watching the ground more than what's infront of me

Never really had a reason to lift my head up.

Easiest is just to go undetected.

To stay out of others way

To keep to myself

I do nothing but cause problems.

It's best to avoid detection

To be under the cover of shyness

Not having to talk

When I talk trouble seems to happen

What was one way is now another

Kennie

How Can I ?


How can I help someone

The guy who've always had trouble talking and expressing his own thoughts

One of my own personal demons that's always been on my back.

Never been good for opening myself up to people.

But at times people come to me like I know what to say

Or like I know what to do to make them feel better.

I can't even figure out my own shit, yet people come to me.

It makes me feel like Raj from big bang.

Stand, listen and if need be hyperventilate.

It never has gotten to that last one.

But I always wish I had something better to say

Standing there and not saying anything isn't what the person wants.

They tend to think something is wrong with you.

Perhaps something is wrong with me.

I've never been good in high pressure situations

I always get nervous

I know I'm also very shy around everyone.

I tend to clam up and want to hide away from everything

Knowing that's not the best thing to do

Struggling to find the words is something I always do.

You can usually hear me stutter when I struggle

At times it becomes more and more noticeable

I wish I had better things to say at certain times.

My Father was always a good one with plenty of intelligent things to say

I guess that gene never got passed onto me.

I don't think it reached either of his children.

At times I worry about struggling with a conversation

Perhaps that's why I'm so quiet at times.

I hate seeing myself struggle

To stutter, to falter

Kennie

Warm Glow


Enjoying the warm glow of the tv as I lay in bed.

Tablet beside my laying next to my head but it wouldn't matter if it was dead.

It never lights up with messages anymore, it lays with the darkness.

No illumination, only darkness. Just like the room I'm in.

The only glow in this room is from the tv, as I lay and watch.

Either tv show or movie, depends on what numbs my brain enough for me to sleep.

This is the life that I have chosen, this is how I choose to lay.

As time ticks on, my life becomes more desolate. I become more quiet.

I wish I could see myself in the future, I want to know what my life will be like.

Did I ever manage to find happiness or do I struggle my entire life.

Do I end up being shuffled around from home to home after I'm not welcomed here.

Or do I end up being able to stand on my own two feet and live by myself

At times I don't think anything can overly make me happy.

I think I'm just a shell of whom I am suppose to be.

Looking for answers and looking for happiness.

Two things that I don't know if I will ever find to complete me.

What if I could go back to the past and let my child self know what the future will hold.

Would I end up changing anything that I have done in the past.

Was I at one point close to my maximum happiness and just didn't know it.

What if I was suppose to turn left and I chose to turn right, the path I wasn't suppose to take

But for some reason my mind was on auto-pilot and that's what I chose.

Didn't overly care with the current state of my life, didn't care about the future.

God maybe face palming himself as we speak, wishing he could give me a sign.

Or perhaps he did and I just wasn't bright enough to see it.

Is my life headed for an early death

One night I goto sleep and that's me taking my final breath

When I get to where I'm going, will I actually be happy

Or will I be hanging out where I end up sitting with regret.

I hope one day I will understand.

Trying to figure out where my life is going to lead.

Kennie


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