Excerpt for UnAnswered Prayers - Tormented by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

UnAnswered Prayers - Tormented

by Kennie Kayoz

Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing

Smashwords Edition


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Nice Guy


I've always hated being the nice guy

Feel like I get used by everyone around me.

Since I don't really show my anger or frustration towards many

I tend to hide it and vent it in other ways

Such as my writing where I will let it out just to put my mind at ease.

But I feel like I'm easy to figure out

So they take advantage of it when they can

Leaving me high and dry

In the dark, knowing nothing.

Scratching my head wondering why

So they can go about there lives with little concern for me

They've finally "dealt" with me so no need to do anything else.

They can go about there lives, not have to worry about me

No matter how they see me, keeping me in the dark is what they choose.

I trust people too easily

Tired of being me, tired of getting used by people.

Courage is something I have never had.

I can see me spending my life alone

Maybe that's what is best

Less people to communicate with, less having to worry about.

My Soul is tormented by being a nice guy

Some people call it a gift

I call it a curse

A curse that I shall walk the earth with

Until the day I die

I don't think anything will lift the curse from me

Kennie

Wears My Heart On My Sleeve


It's not hard to tell if I care about you.

I do everything I can to help you, even if you look down your nose at me.

Always trying to be Mr Helpful, what does that get me

Nothing but a pain in the ass.

I wish I could turn it off

Wishing I didn't care about so many people

Cause this is just one of the many downfalls of me being me

Don't know how to turn it off.

People may think it's a good thing

I call it an annoyance, wishing I didn't have to deal with it

But it's almost like another day, another time having to put up with it.

People talk behind my back

But for some reason I feel I have to try to make things right

Getting the feeling I'm being used

Also have the feeling of trying to fix it

I hate going through that.

I'm tired of it, wishing I could turn it off

Wishing it had a snooze button

Or that I could ignore it

I can't, it annoys me.. I become annoying

Kennie

Sadness


I feel like my brain is plagued with sadness

At times I don't know if it's flooding my brain more

Or if it's just leaving me confused

I've spent days just looking at the wall

Wondering when this day will be over

Just to crawl back into bed

Even days that I know I'm having trouble sleeping

I try to fill my mind with happier thoughts

At times it doesn't work, the sadness just comes in.

I feel like I'm being chased by it.

But I keep tripping up

So it always seems to find it's way to catch me.

The endless cycle that it is, is there no way around it.

Is it like a video game where I am missing a secret entrance.

Maybe this is what my life has become

Me drowning an endless ocean of sadness.

Always being pulled under

Will I ever be able to breathe

Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life

At times I think it is.

Always what I've wanted

Maybe one day, someone will save me.

Being able to pull me from it

To show me the better side of life.

Kennie

My Brain


I've always hated how my brain works

How it processes information, always seems to want to goto panic mode

Always looking for the worse

Needing something to stress over

I wish I could stop it

I'm tired of it

Can't stand the stress from my brain

I keep thinking maybe things will change tomorrow

That's not the case, it's almost like tomorrow makes it worse

At times I wish my brain would just stop

But I know what that would mean and others wouldn't like it

Or so I'm guessing, maybe they would, I don't know

At times I wonder if there's something wrong with me.

I feel like I can't sit down and do some thinking without going into panic

Start thinking about the future and how screwed I am

Start wondering how can I possibly change it, realize it's not possible.

It's almost like my life is a train stuck on it's tracks and I see the future

Can't really do anything about it except sit and wait

Wondering when will it get to me, wondering how bad it's going to be

Who am I kidding, I know it will be bad.

I'm going to be lost, confused and completely fucked

Always felt like I have no place to go, I get the feeling it'll be true.

It makes me not want to get out of bed at times

Hopefully laying in bed will help me out

But I already know that it won't

I feel like I don't even know who I am

People keep telling me to do certain things with my life.

My life hasn't worked out in that way yet.

I feel like life isn't for me

Not sure what would be for me.

Maybe something

Maybe nothing

Kennie

Forget Me


I wish people would just forget me.

Continue to live there lives like I don't exist.

Not that I play a big role

I'm just a inconveince I know I am

Not sure why people put up with me

When so many better people exist

I know everyone would be better off if I wasn't apart of things

Less crap they would have to put up with.

Lives would no doubt be better

People would be much happier

I'm like the troll under the bridge

Not asking for a toll, just being the annoyance

That nobody seems to pay attention to

Besides why should they

Never been anything special

Never will be either

I'm too stupid to even change

That I know that I can admit

Not sure what the future holds

At this point do I even care

Honestly, not really.

I'm tired of people feeling sad for me, I wish they'd rather just forget me instead

That would be the easiest thing for them to do

I don't know what else they expect from me

Doing the same thing everyday

Becoming an annoyance

Maybe I should just quit asking for things I know I won't get

I don't think anyone would overly care.

It would just be easier on them, but they would no doubt love that

So maybe that's what I should do.

Just sit backand zip my lips, say little in return

They can go on and I will stay back.

Just like verything else in life

I always stay back

Everyone else always moves on and moves faster

Just the way it was meant to be.

Kennie

Let The Countdown Begin


14 days from today and POOF

I'm gone, not to be heard of again.

Yup, I kept thinking about it.

I finally am doing it.

It'll be perminate

It's what people want to be happy

My facebook account will be perminately deleted

Only have a few ways of getting in touch with me

Not like it matters, my phone will be dead

I won't hear from anyone

My email will get a digital tumbleweed

Nothing new coming in

So that's what people want me to do is to exit from them

To walk away, never to be heard from again

Guess I've always been on this planet to make people happy

Or try to, starting to think why I was bullied

Had to make them feel superior so it made them happy

Clearly that's what I was on this planet for

Clearly that's why I am on this planet

I would say it's possible to stop

It is, but I doubt it will be

Nobody will care

I've always been an after htought in so many people's minds

It's not like it matters

My life won't change much

Still sitting around the house not doing much

More time to concentrate on my writing

More time to concentrate on other hobbies

Time will tell what other hobbies I attempt to get into

Can't wait to see what my mind comes up with

So as you wish, You no longer have to hear from me

I shall vanish from your life

I would say if you want to talk you know how to reach me

But I know I won't hear from you

The clock is ticking

Kennie

Coming Back Down


I'm not coming back down from this.

Brain is firing like a mad scientist.

I can feel the electricity flowing through my brain

Don't remember yelling throw the switch

But clearly it happened, my brain is fuckin over flowing

With ideas, not sure if I can contain them all

But they all shall be written

So it'll be written, so it'll be told

I'm tired of people and dealing with them all

Just going to be rolling solo

Clearly that's how I was meant to be

Don't care anymore, just like how people look at me

They don't care about me, so why should I care about them

I bet I won't hear from people cause everything is one sided

Should have known that from minute one

The way things started I thought they were different

Facing uphill battles, tired of arguments

Tired of making plans and finding I'm sitting solo

Don't care anymore, fuck it all

Never was any good making friends

So why bother worrying about that shit from now on

I don't have to worry about anyone but me

Many ideas I have had for myself already

Who knows where I will start

The brain is creating so much energy

Just don't care

The best thing I can do

Clearly I'm the worse thing for you

Worse thing for everyone

Nobody should have to make time for this

Nobody has, nobody will, nobody can

It's fine, that's what everyone wants.

Keep checking the front window like a lost soul

Waiting to be found, to be accepted

No acceptance for this man.

Never has been, never will be.

Let me sit in the darkness

Let the quietness wash over me

Please, I can't fucking wait

No longer having to worry, or wait, or get my hopes up

Wish you would have told me I'm a inconveince

But it doesn't matter

I doubt I'll hear from you, it is what you want

In your mind your going to tell yourself that I didn't want you

Clearly that shows it was one sided

Tried to be there for you, it failed

Oh well... You didn't want me anyways

Kennie

You Remember


Remember that amazing night we spent until 1 in the morning

Just sitting under the stars talking, you curled up on me like a kitten

I gladly put my arm around you as we still talked that warm evening

Gazing at me in awe, like I was something special

I don't even mean short bus special either

But that night you looked at me unlike anyone else

The way you smiled when you looked at me

Knowing we were both feeling those feelings

Wishing that night would have never ended

One of our favorite moments

Something so simple, just sitting out under the stars

You, Me and nothing else

What an amazing evening that was

Would gladly do it again with you

But at times I don't think it will ever happen.

I know your going through a lot right now with crap in that house

I wish I could do something for you, I offer you to come over

To get away from that stress, hide here with me.

Let me hold you and stay where nobody can find you.

Being to tired you didn't come over

Nothing I could have done any differently

The offer still stands, having you come over and let me hold your hand

I know it won't happen, I can already tell your too tired make the drive

Even if I had that little bit of plastic, I couldn't go anywhere

When I can't sleep at night, I sit up by the window looking up at those stars

Wondering about where you are

Thinking are you thinking about me, good thoughts or not.

I still wonder how you see me the way you do

Not saying it's a bad way, I just worry about disappointing you

Guessing that feeling should go now since I already have.

But I get the feeling it's overflow from your other stress.

Since it's no doubt got your brain a complete mess.

I'll be surprised if I hear from you again

Always knew I wasn't worthy of someone as great

Can't say I'm surprised at anything really

Specially when I look in the mirror and say "why would anyone want me ?"

Kennie


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