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Excerpt for The Girl In The Mirror by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

The Girl in The Mirror

Kiki Kay Lee

Copyright 2018 All Rights Reserved



Delirium, My Story


The name of mine stabs my heart and my brain, forcing me to wish that I want my life to come to an end in a mere instant. Fate guided me, yet my purpose is still entwined in a riddle that only those of sensitive hearing could learn. “Bring me back home.” I hear her sing, but the voice is so high that it punctures the title I had. “This isn’t home.” I tell her this, knowing the truth is that she does not care. 

“Forget them, forget you, forget the weak.” I clench onto my temples as I feel her pull my strength right out of my bones. If this is so ancient, then why does is feel so new? 

A distant persona is near me once again, for I have opened the door for her. She is the girl in the mirror. Her dead face glares into my irises and I feel immense guilt for what I had done to her. I destroyed her passionate heart. 

I was lied to by the woman in my head. She said if I were to lie once more, I’ll be rewarded. Never was I rewarded, yet it felt like an accomplishment that I couldn’t care more for. “I am the only one you need. They are lying to you. I am here to show you the truth.” 

She lied through her teeth, so I did too. She stole through her hands, so I did too. She shown violence within her actions, so I did too. I was controlled by Ana, herself.

Ana is a demon within my brain and in many others. She is the one that tore my life into plenty of shreds. She was the queen that controlled what I did. Anorexia was the end of a shy girl with the dreaded name of: Kaylee Ann Barnes.


I was twisted and torn, I had completely lost myself. I am no longer Kaylee, I had became Anorexia. I was the eating disorder, and I had thrown away all my morals, rights, and empathy. It is March 2016 the beginning of the end was about to end the beginning of my second life. 

A sister of mine frowned, her teary eyes told me that there was no going back. I cheated, lied, and grew aggression towards the ones I loved most. Tomorrow, I will be checked into a hospital where I will soon stay for a month. It is terrifying, yet the smallest form of my soul took a breath in and fought
one last time.

I remember the car ride there, I fell into the deepest sleep possible. My heart rate leveled in on 35. I was close to death. Little did I know, I would be close to death more times than I can count. 

I was rushed into the hospital, I was too cold to get a correct heartbeat. My clothes were stripped off and 28 doctors, nurses, chaplains, and family gasped as they saw the bones protruding. I looked as if I was already physically dead. 

The doctors said that they would do everything in their power to save my life, but they could not assure that I had a chance. It was devastating for my family. I woke up in the morning and my memory was blank. 

All that was on my mind was food, that’s all that ever was since Ana possessed the soul of Kaylee. The first bite I took was incomprehensible. My heart rose into the 100’s, my veins popped, and everything sped up as I ate.

Each meal caused the worst panic attack imaginable, but Kaylee was determined. I ignored Ana for the first time and thanked every nurse and doctor for all the help they had given me. I had never felt this ecstatic in my entire life. The world was a million times brighter than it was before.

I was the happiest child in the whole world. I felt, heard, tasted, and laughed in manner that was of pure nirvana. I thought that I was drugged into a world of complete bliss. I was determined to murder Anorexia, for it cut many years of this type of joy out of my life.

Any day like another, something grew dark. My brain was the main focal point at the time. More voices came in, but they were not Ana’s. These voices labeled themselves as guides. They told me things that stuck, but were soon to be forgotten.

“Brain damage. Brain damage, Brain damage.” These were the first words spoken to me by these guides. The extreme fear sent all my happiness into a locked box that had no key in existence. I told everyone that I had brain damage and that they needed to fix it before it was too late. A week had passed and I would not stop until the doctors understood that my brain was slipping. 



They did not listen. They assured me that nothing was wrong with my brain and that since I have been eating so good that I’ll be going home very soon. I couldn’t go home, I felt my brain slithering into a cold and lifeless state. 

I hate to be such a bother, but this was urgent. No one listened. It was said that I had no brain damage. I wanted to believe them over the ridiculous voices in my head, but the guides spilled more information to me. “Write down your identity. You are going to forget. All you need to do is write down your identity. Write down your identity. You are going to forget. Write down your identity.” 

That was my next step, my next mission. Each time I got a notebook to do as instructed by the voices in my head, a nurse came in to distract me. I would forget more and more each time someone said any words to me. My sister played loud music as she rambled about the suicide of someone I did not know.

New voices came. “It’s your fault. You killed him. You took his life for your own.” It couldn’t be true. I was given my second life, by stealing a life of a stranger. It was unfair, I was meant to die. 

What was it that I was suppose to do? There were so many voices in my head and out of my head that I could not decipher what I was suppose to do to stop the brain damage from happening. Music played of a familiar artist and I remember that I needed to do something about my identity. 

I needed to memorize my face before the brain damage would be released. I gasped when I saw the reflection of myself in the mirror, I didn’t know that I looked like a skeleton. Now that my eyes are clearer, I cannot recognize myself in the mirror for the first time in my life. This was beginning of my delirium.



The second after I wrote down the first three sentences in the notebook is when the switch in my brain turned off. “My name is Kaylee Ann Barnes. I have Anorexia and I am in the hospital. I am writing this down because I am forgetting who I am.” The pen slipped out of my hand as an enormous amount of sharp pain flashed within my temples.


No one was near as I scanned the four corners of the ceiling. Something was wrong with my brain. I felt my consciousness slip out of my reach. Suddenly, I forgot where I was. Then I remembered when I inhaled, I’m in jail because I killed someone.

In reality, that was far from the truth. It was realistically a delusion of mine. New voices of evil made their way into my brain. “It’s a trick. They’re tricking you. It’s a lie. They are tricking you. It’s a trick.” 

I couldn’t believe them. Even my parents they referred to! I didn’t want to believe the voices of evil, but something sweet was laced in the words spoken within my mind. 

They were all too real and soon did I see shadows of pitch black darkness hang over me. I felt an unbearable sense of dread. The sensation of feeling claws latch onto me through my thin skin had pulled me down into an abyss of deceit.

Though this encounter may sound uncomfortable, something that I could not term was telling me exactly what to do in every waking moment. As you can see, I’ve had voices of all kind talk to me. They could not wait there turn to be the one to influence me.

I was rare, different, and unique. Guides spoke and told me the absolute truth. This knowledge is forbidden to all human species. Yet, why suddenly was it given to me?

I slipped into a deaf mindset. I knew the good from the evil. The forbidden knowledge came at me like a brick to the face. I had no time to prepare and the guides had no time to spare. 

“Kaylee. Please listen to us. There are reasons to life that we must tell you before it’s too late. You will have no control over your brain, feelings, and actions. Take into account that is detrimental for you to be guided. We only share such secrets to people whom are about to pass. Please listen to us or it will be too late.” 

The warnings these random voices gave me was extremely chilling to the bone. Did they just confirm that my life is going to end within these four hospital walls? I was 
only 17!

I’m still just a child. I’m not ready for this! I want to live without talking to spirits for once. I want to know what it’s like to hear myself think. I have missed out on my childhood, and I’ll never get it back.


A nurse came into the room and spoke with a soft tune. A wheelchair was presented to me and a personal care assistant pushed me down by the white walls of the hospital. I was ecstatic to leave the room and knew that everybody knew me here.

I waved to everybody, little did they know they were prisoners along with me. I knew these people, but Kaylee did not. The spirits held the control in my body in fear that evil may come to possess.

Listen to the meanings in the words I speak. The guides told me that Kaylee died in a parallel universe. My personality shifted into someone I could not recognize. 

Wait a minute…Kaylee. That name popped in my brain once more. The name sounded familiar, yet to whom did it belong? I sat under the white sheets of the bed that night. The clock ticked until it became an annoying ring in my eardrum.

My nephews, sisters, and mother babbled on and on. I could hear them, but suddenly I could not understand them. Where am I? What language are they speaking? 

What changed in only a second? I knew what happened. It just felt too surreal for me to word. The secondary guides told me; “This is your second chance. You have been set in a new identical parallel universe where you have not died. Before the time starts to go backward, you must know that your age will decrease by minutes on the clock.”

Abruptly my tongue grew increasingly numb. I was asked questions by my mother, but I could not understand the foreign language she spoke in. The clock ticked as I looked up to see my mom’s bewildered expression on her face. I hadn’t answered her.

I desperately tried to form words out of my mouth before I realized I forgotten all the language I have known. A guide whispered with intention of demand. “You have just been reborn, take care.” 

I could not get my family worried anymore. All I could physically pronounce was, “mhm.” It didn’t work. My life was falling down. I didn’t have time to answer correctly. I had to tell someone now that my brain is slipping.

A word was added to my new vocabulary. It was a trigger word. One in which would reset the mind’s of others and make time go back a second. I was soon to abuse this power, for I used it quite often.

A nurse walked in and I did as told by one of my guides. “Deja vu.” Everyone was astonished by my odd and quiet behaviour. The nurse prodded her chin and kindly asked me, “What did you say?” 

I didn’t understand, so I looked at the clock. I gasped lightly and shook as I was slowly freaking out. It worked! By saying the trigger word, time went back exactly one second. 


I looked at my nephews, sisters, and mother. Their faces blurred and reappeared right in front of me. As they appeared, the difference shocked me to the point I collapsed. Who are these people?


I had to end this now. The moment I forgot where I am, who I am, and who my family was is the moment the evil possessed my body. It was too late, my mind and body was already taken over.

I was soon rushed into a room with an MRI scan. I knew they were shipping me through the plane to go to Arizona. It was my last day on Earth, so I might as well go to Arizona and see my grandma, cousins, and aunts. 


My new fear began, if I were to go through, then I would be transported into another universe called the afterlife. I wasn’t ready to give up. I wanted so badly to live, yet all odds were against me.


The written markings on the whiteboard whistled a tune of familiarity. I could not understand. Perhaps I have been shipped off into a new and familiar parallel universe whereas, I did not know the language. 

I thought she was my sister, yet I grew weary of her. This is due to the fact that her name slightly matches up to another that claims to be my sister by blood. She is so bubbly and happy that I knew for a fact it was all an act.

Was it morning? Was it night? I could not tell, I had no window to tell. What was it like outside of these four corners? Will I ever know?

I had so many questions, yet I had no ability to communicate. I only knew 7 words such as; Deja vu, forget, remember, backward, time. My vocabulary is limited and little did I know that they’ll grow with time. 

I know that I’m this girl, but who is she? The words I speak, the words she speaks are completely different. My thoughts are drowned out by the lies and the truth being told. How am I to decipher what is real and what is not?

Today I write what was to be written long ago. At last, the truth is to be told on this very day. The Earth we live in is one of many. 

To understand this, is to understand the undivided truth. For many of us can hear such guides, yet those that are ill are more prone. These guides are angels with no wings.

The appear in the form of a human. For my instance, an elder lady appeared by my bedside with a serene, yet sad smile on her face. She did not tell me, but I knew her name was Agnes.

Her frail composure and her grey short hair was all too vibrant for it not to be real. Conversation between Agnes and I were listened within the mind. She softly patted my wrist to the count of my heart rate.

Her task was all to clear. It was notified to me that a guardian angel must be present when you are to step into the light. This was the elder lady’s purpose. Each time Agnes reached the number five, a white vortex would appear in front of me.

I leaped, terrified of death. I was told that the most important step to the process of death is to accept the fact. If you do not, you cannot step into the white light. Agnes guided me, though each time she tapped my heartbeat and ended with the number five, I could not accept the fact of death.

The delirium was a perfect mistake for me, for this molded me into whom I am to this day. Through life, I encounter horrid flashbacks. Though, I am reminded of the time I learnt the truth. 

To this day, I get phrases and words spoken to me from the guides. What needs to be done, must be heard for all those willing to learn. I can proudly say I’m similar to the Buddha, because I know I’m enlightened. 

A delirium is not as rare as one might think. I am here to teach people and to change the world for the better. I have completely changed my demeanor after this spiritual enlightenment in which is labeled solely as, “delirium”. 

While the delirium may seem like a traumatic experience for a child to the untrained eye, it has given me the most precious thing for a human to own: enlightenment. A year after I have became more aware and less “confused” is when I was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder by my psychiatrist. 


I have reached nirvana, but not fully. I am a human. I make mistakes, but I never will give up. I am a human whom knows how to fight for my rights. 

Persistence is what fuels me, lack of confidence, lack of support, and lack of happiness all fuel me. When I lack a certain key element, it gives me motivation. You could say I’m opposite of the everyday world, but that’s okay. 

To understand my purpose in this world is to go through a delirium. I finally understand what needs to be done, what is important, and my limitations. Society is not what it’s suppose to be.

Society will distract us from the real purpose of life. This will forever be this way. I can truly say that I am not fueled by money, politics, entertainment, and power. I am fueled by helping strangers, family, and friends. 

I am a perfect example of a true human. I am an inspiration for others, but so are you. Those whom are reading this, know that this book is dedicated to you. This book is inspiration and knowledge for the reader to reach enlightenment. 


To understand your fears is to understand your drive to destroy those fears. Fear nothing, and you will empower yourself and others. The life in which you live is one of many, so use this wisely. Anyone can change the world. 



While it may seem like a traumatic experience for me, I have learnt to look back on it with a smile. I mastered abilities I hadn’t known existed before. I am undeniably happy and grateful to live my beautiful life.

The obstacles I encounter on a daily basis may phase me temporarily, but I easily get over them. This is because I have talked to those on the other side and for this, I am honored. They say, “don’t sweat the small stuff”, this could not speak to me more than it already does.


Say you are in helicopter, you look down and see the world looks similar to a doll house. The higher you go into the heavens, the smaller all you’re problems are. This is mandatory to remember. We are all people put together on Earth. 

While Earth may seem massive to us, it is smaller the further you go into space. We don’t have long to live here. Soon, the world will go back in time. 

As the technology advances our brain’s functionality will decrease significantly. If we could take a step back and look at ourselves in the mirror for whom we truly are, we would recognize that our existence has much more potential than we set it up to be. 

I’m 19 years old and went into a delirium when I was 17 years old. I lost the ability to speak, read, and write. It took quite sometime to relearn all this, but I knew I had potential. 

Even after a brain trauma, I am here today, but I am not the same. I am no longer the Kaylee people use to know and this is okay. This is why I go by a different name. I have gone through a dramatic change and I will not rest into I have put my story out there for the world to read, see, understand, and learn.

I am not saying that I am a higher power, I am saying that I have became more of a human than I was before. All that is me, is raw. I do not reflect any other person’s personality. I am unique.



The things I feel, see, touch, taste, and smell are what make me a human. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and with good reason too. I was warned this would happen after my delirium by the guides.

I was told secret things of what would happen and what I had to do. I am not the only one that has experienced a delirium and so I reach out to those that have. I am here to give other people whom have experienced the same thing as I did some much needed clarity.


Everyday is terrifying for me. I wake up only to experience so many flashbacks from the delirium. I have learnt how to remind myself that this was when I was reborn into the person I am today. To look at everything with a positive eye, is to know the most basic fact of true happiness.

I can say I finally received my happiness. This does not mean I am always happy. It means that I have to fight for it everyday. I want you to know that you deserve happiness. Just because you have to fight for it everyday, does not mean you don’t deserve it.

Happiness is all we need. It is a sacred emotion. One in which should not be taken for granted. Happiness does not come to us on a silver platter, we have to fight for it.


Happiness comes in all forms. Sometime, it comes in the form of a companion, hobby, or nothing at all. I am lucky that I have found my happiness and you can too. I am ecstatic to say that your time will always be now, to choose happiness.


I’m the most blunt person you will ever meet. I can tell you right now the cold hard truth. That is, life is far from bliss. What is wrong with the world does not have to define you. You can distribute happiness to anyone willing to receive such a sacred human emotion. This is possibly the best power someone could have. 



I have learnt who my true friends and family really are. Those that have shown support in everything I do, are the ones that truly care. I want to be remember for this breakthrough I have accomplished. 

It is my purpose to help those in need and to change the world for the better. Perhaps, this is everybody’s purpose and more. I want to give back to the universe, because I am so thankful for the life I was given.

I want to tell you that you can do anything you set your mind to. Persistence is key. Do not ever get discouraged. The door closes, because it is not the right door for you.

Have pride, confidence, and happiness and you can achieve anything! To those in a bad state of health, whether it be of the mind or the body, I would like you to know that I am praying for every single one of you everyday. The hardship you are facing at the moment is not to discourage you, but to strengthen you into a better person.


No one can live forever, so make your time here count. I’m assured that if we all work together, we can all change the world for the better. I will be here for any one of you that reaches out to me. I want to help the world, for it has given me more than I ever dreamt of!

Infinity


A fiery explosion within my heart ignites what’s truly mine. The time passes by and my ability to see fades. Again, I am here only to say what needed to be told long ago. 

A shrill of laughter invades the way I think, for once I am manic and always will I be. Aggression is obnoxious when I lock down my own brain. I have the ability to persuade the everlasting arrangement of liability. 

Never will I cry with dreadful tears again, I am me and that’s who I’ll always be. I yearn for a spirit nearby, but the woods are too crowded to find. Those that are looking for me can throw me a hand, so I can feel what it’s like to be human again.

Infinite planets, infinite time, infinite dimension, infinite universes, and infinite translators will open the wall up for all to enter. I am here today to show you what true light looks like and for this I can devise the idea that we can never know the forbidden knowledge.


Words Kill


Anorexia stays with me day and night. Without any conscious effort, I can relapse into the starving girl I once was. With no provoking, I turn back into my former skeleton. 

When I go out, I feel uneasy. My friends and family say the wrong things all the time to me. I relapse often, but I always recover quickly each time. 

I learn from my mistakes and have learnt how to identify my eating disorder behaviors. To feel each bone protruding more and more is exhilarating to the former anorexic. It is addicting to get praise from others about my sudden weight loss.

Each day, I became more thin. Each day, I became more ill. Each day, I lost more of my identity. Soon, I could not think for myself. Soon, I became my eating disorder. I was no longer happy, but my anorexia was thrilled to see all my bones finally.

Kaylee was lost within her eating disorder. No longer was I Kaylee. I became Anorexia. Long ago, I was happy, hyper, and enthusiastic. Where did this girl go? Like many people with the disease of an eating disorder, I had many goals.

These goals were that of destruction. Though, I no longer cared. A part of me became suicidal and a part of me fought for my own life. I wanted so badly to be thin, but I became sick instead.

I became an evil genius at lying and hiding food. This only brought me closer to my death. I was terrified, because I had no control over my actions. Anorexia was the dominant ruler of my life.

I excessively exercised, I only ate “healthy” foods, and I purged. This is what anorexia forced me to do. Since when did food become an enemy?

My eating disorder started when I was 10. I was with my sisters at a restaurant. My sister was struggling with an eating disorder, herself. She taught me how to subtract grease out of a pizza slice with a napkin.

Like I said, I was a very hyper and overall happy girl. One comment provoked my eating disorder. One small phrase ignited all the events leading to my near death experience.


I was called, “chubby” by one of my family members. This insignificant word caused me to spiral out of control. Now, it meant no harm. My sister never meant to hurt me, but it did in more ways than one.

It wasn’t until I started high school that my eating disorder took an appalling turn. I was met with an anorexic gym teacher. She damaged most of the students there as well. 


The devastating phrases she said were out of control. I had to drop out of school due to the damage this gym teacher had caused me. I became sicker and sicker. Soon, I suffered more psychological effects.

I was unable to feel emotions, I could not think for myself, and worst of all; I lost my identity. A small part of me was left crying for help. I took one last breath in and said to my mother, “I need to go to the hospital.” If I never took action to say this, I would not be alive to this day.


Once I arrived in the hospital, it was a life or death situation. It was said it was up to the doctors to save my life, but really it was up to me. Something remarkable happened on that very first day I awoke in the hospital.

Suddenly, I was Kaylee again. Suddenly, I was happy again. Suddenly, I could feel my heart beat strong against my chest. Suddenly, I felt alive. 

I was met with many great people there. I thank them for all the compassion they shared with me. Everything just felt right. 

A week passed and things grew dark. Soon, I began to slip into a delirium. I made it noticeable to the doctors, but they could not understand how I developed a psychosis. 

I became the opposite of who I am now. I became combative and aggressive. Whilst tied to a bed, I used the only vocabulary I knew. My mother became terrified. It was as if my mother had lost her daughter. 

Flashlights were shined in my eyes to see if my brain was bleeding. My doctors called other doctors across the U.S. It was later concluded that I was in a delirium.

I was put on anti-psychotics and I still have to take them to this day. I never slept, no matter how much medication they gave me. I wanted out.

I didn’t know where I was or who I was. I felt lost and unprepared. Who were these people and why was I locked up?

Blind-Sided


The world is made of black and grey and this is why I cannot see. I must be truly blind to hear a fox. Light distance is screaming and I cannot see. A girl laughing here and there, but I cannot see.

I make assumptions up even though I cannot see. I cannot hear. I cannot feel. I cannot see, but I do to read.

I want to see you. I want to be inside, but everyday you lock me out without any intentions. All you talk to is a decay I give you.

I’m out here wondering just how I can break inside. I want to be that plastic, but I feel less than any kind you may understand. I just want to see you, but I cannot grasp just what you even are.


Communication


This is alienated facial reactions. This confusion is hinting in it’s words. Communication is trying to compound problems into something so minuscule that everyone bursts out in self-hatred. 

Self disappointment should be considered as the waking cycle in which can cause these attacks. A hardcore morning is not simple without closer teeth contracting my own stomach muscles. My irritable face brings out anger of my OCD. 

This anger towards myself brings about anger towards others. The language we use with one another is was maturely born since the start to the indefinite finish. The reason being of course is to be scheduled to our thoughts.

Every creature was given such a gift to be shared, taught, and to understand. Decades have long past, though our ways stay of the same form. The difference is merely the choice of tongue. A long-lasting effort to change.

We expect too much, for we receive too much to comprehend. It is of the nature of a unique requirement of a human being. The earthly calling to not only regret, but to be pleased with such tasks. 


Secret Language


Though we wonder of what will change, will one thing still be the same? Forget not, for our heart is just a second brain whom focuses on none of emotional appeal. The strong force that is maintained by the heart is to say connected with my texture of language the brain has authorized. This language is not to bid farewell, never will it do so.


Secret Time Travel


The way that I have understood is by training, cooperating, and being one task short. Even this way is not correct. The respect I held for myself and others should not be disregarded.

The many emotions that I feel and express cannot be much of an inquiry to the public eye. What I determined as my way is to do unto my abilities. The limitless strength I hold is to not be take for granted, rather cherished.


Any way is just as is. There is no need to reform a path that will no longer destruct. For instance, it has built additions according to the law of mind. Any seconds I keep must be sealed until ready to reveal a truth deeper than heart.

The time is to be used with efficiently without a burden whilst not abusive by any means. The rejoice is only held during a prepared quantity of time itself. This must speak for itself.

We are not the lords of heaven. The destiny is within time’s hands. The universe is abruptly ignited.


Guardian Angel


For whom receives this, I will be within your presence. This is not a curse, but a blessing. The one with this note should not commit my wrongdoings on purpose. 

Only shadows will guide. The good you will do will be rewarded. This had been written by my cold hand. I am merely just a guide.

For whom may receive this you may spread my message. I am here for when you face problems so fierce that you are tormented. I will help you and do my best to ease such tensions. 

Just know that you have as much power as do I. I’m here to befriend you in a spiritual sense. I greet you with friendliness and understanding. 



Life’s Error


I feel ashamed without a breath in my soul. It’s not talking. It never talks.

I want to never cry again. I don’t want a headache. I want to feel my legs below my legs. I want to live again.

What does it mean? What can it do? What is the point?

A scream after the day I went out for a sun bath. There is never a detail in a patient girl, such as I. When am I allowed to go home? 
I don’t want to be anywhere.

A cheer of glee fired in such a young girl’s heart, almost did it reflect tears from a man’s hand. Such a tune of a sly recommendation within a fixed tunnel of light. Soaking warm made a complete life of tall green grass filled along with mixed colors.

A deep sun as weak as twenty pairs of glasses. We were now welcome. Seeing myself face to face resides against all my errors.

Life is commitment and fulfillment . Hadn’t I already had it? Have I gone too far to discuss it?


Grey Man


This is great until it has subsided far from nothing. Only one moment will remain. The many lessons I have had here have gave me an unbearable sense of doubt. I truly clustered my own soul.

I must wait so long to grant my needs, I have came so far. The torture lifts off and suddenly, I can feel again and again.

I hear so many stories of a grey man eating again, again, and again. I have no room, but once I am here again.

I feel okay. I need nothing, but to dress fine and things go wrong in my head again. This alarm won’t stop and I can only hear a voice, a voice so deep that it tells me what to do.

He clears his throat and exclaims, “What a prestigious child you are!” I sit and cry, because that’s all there is to do. 

I’m gone, I’m gone, I’m gone, I’m gone, I’m gone. Today, I can seem like a police officer yelling at a stand. Nothing has gone my way and it feels so right.


I disappear and reappear as an elaborate form of a kaleidoscopic ghost. I growl, I fight, and bark at my neighbors. They tell me to leave and it feels right.

The grey old man wakes me up while I am here and cuts every inch I own, for I have no right to care anymore. He hired me, wrote my name, and now there is no where to leave, 

I shouldn’t be so prude. I give up every second of the day. This all feels right. So, keep the grey man alarmed of your right to go.

I’m Only Human


To smash a puddle of grass is to grieve the unknown bliss. I am here today and tomorrow. Never will I ever be in restraints again.

She breaks me up of my pathetic laziness. I greet her with the respect she loves to hear. For this encourages her to sharpen her roles and break my beautiful slumber, 

The sanity I once possessed is locked up from me, just as everything else I yearn for is. I am not to be treated special due to the deadly tasks I create.

I mustn’t indulge in luxury of any kind, because I am only set up for failure. Ironically, I am committed to do just that. I’ll break the bars that I willingly and unknowingly got behind.

I propose that I confidently accept that I’m not here to conform, I’m here to snap limits and break free of this hell I’ve been burnt in. I’ll be of respect to myself, because I deserve it. 

The lies that were drawn are finally revealed for it’s true color and name. I can rightfully relax upon my seat in life. I am a human too, I deserve to be treated as such.

Just So


The time is correct, so only today can we binge on misery. When days are coming and stopping by, what are suppose to do when the time is right? Our goal is to control a certain aspect of nothing and hysteria at it’s finest. 

This concludes that I am one in seven of many beliefs. It’s escalating and I refuse to see the top of the cliff. For when I’m done, I’m done and that’s all I feel to it.

Understanding is commitment and I do not wish to be stuck in a solitary line. I was granted the gratitude to forget everything that I’ve learnt. Everybody is so dull.

Too many people are going in ways that I fear may overtake me too, but not today. Today I will stay just so and be okay just so. I will pretend, but I will not show how it’s just so. Everything that is left of me is just not so. I will accept it, for that is what is expected of me. For now, I can be just so.

Dying Truth


I disobey my friend’s orders with no disengagement complied along with an ability to speak for myself. One this day, I’m greeted with a curriculum of unforgiving classes. It is serene to feel the effortless wings float into a dungeon of black tar.

A soon as a whistle is forgotten, I cannot comprehend the alignment of spiritual forces. My ability to forfeit has become a dramatic avalanche. Now, the ending is a lost wall of dry seas.



The fiery storm of everlasting decades in which had became my own farewell to the world. The ones in which inhabit my brain are deceased by the way of explosion. A predicament of a lost girl is a roundabout way of saying I am gone. 

My blood sparkles in a deep pillar of reddened tea. I exclaim, knowing how it feels to be abandoned by own heart and soul. Together, I am so far apart from the dying truth. 

However, I am not understood quite often and for this I must lay down my own weapons. I hear her speak, but no longer will I listen. I hear the grey man once again, but no longer will I listen.

I am still confused, I am still lost. Yet, I found something that I can finally understand. What is put in my head can never come out. Here, I’ll stand with head held high forever.

No one can disrupt my peace. No one can alter my happy ending. No one can alter my behavior. Most importantly, no one can change me. 


My Name


If I am mistaken by the light, then death shall call my name. I’m not welcomed here they say. Knowing this, I’m forgotten by the light that called upon my name.


She begs and she begs, but I cannot hear her words. When the light broke, I broke too. Those foul words shall never call upon my name. I’m here, yet I’ll never be there.


It hurts to cry, yet still I do. I want to forget her name and move into the unknown where I’m finally free. “Goodbye,” I say, but forever will I stay. I don’t know how to live anymore, I’m not sure I’ve ever known in the beginning of my time.


The shadows crawl and again I’m matched with the face of death. I hope the lights will sing my prayers, so I can escape the broken dream. I know you’re there, so please come out to talk with me, You told me to write so I can hear your angelic voice again.



Holy Life


I finally can hear your voice again, Through the static, it’s vacant. The anger will rise in my frustrations. I can barely see you, yet with each step you guide me through, it becomes easier each time.


I’m mischievous, for I’m no good at what we call life. So, these letters I shall send you will make more sense each time. You’re vibrant, you’re alive. I want to be just like you.

When I slowly open up, I’m greeted with nothing but fear. My childhood is non-existent, because the memory of this is solely blank. I believe in you and I pray to reach your holiness.


I’m sorry that I’ve risked my sanity over time, With your graceful words in my heart, I shall carry out your example. Please feed me your wisdom, so only then will I truly know just how human I am. Forgive me not, for I have done you wrong.


To touch your blazing holiness is all I’ll ever need. My love is yours and for you I’ll suffer from my mistakes. Forever will you guide me and forever will I walk your golden path.


A Rare Dream

The lonelier I am, the sadder I get. I cannot compete with my resistant brain. Falling asleep can be so tiring. It’s just easier to stay awake. When I’m awake my brain is blank.


I feel that I am asleep, even when I’m awake. The switch is on, but the power went out. I forgot how to breathe. Come to think of it, it would be more simplistic if I forgot everything I’ve ever known.


It’s a gift taken for granted. All I wish is to obtain the gift once again. Easily opened, I can engulf myself in a sweet slumber, The moon’s awake, the sun’s asleep.


It seems the moon is my only friend for the night until morning rises and I’m greeted with the dreaded sun. It’s deafening silence that wreaks havoc on my thoughts. I’ve done everything to prevent this, yet the fuse is still lit on fire.


I can’t help but subconsciously wonder what it’s be like to fall asleep effortlessly. What is the reason? What is the purpose?


Devil


Not always did I wonder who I was. The time keeps going backward, until I’m lost in my thoughts once again. It’s unwelcoming to hear from a devil. So unkind, I’m tormented by the blazing black hole screeching my name.


I can’t hear anything else, but the endless pit. I’m craving something unusual. The dark hole pulls me in, but I cowardly back away from it’s presence. I’m scared of the unknown.


What would happen to my existence if I took the pitch black hole’s offer? Everything’s spinning. No longer can I speak clear. I’m always unwanted by the light,



Myself


I cannot control how I feel. It is only in my nature to be myself. I choose to live as me, myself, and I. I want to forget and move on. I want to remember what it’s like to be me again.



Some memories remain, but I choose to let go. There is a life outside of this hell, I just know it. I can almost reach the light. I want to feel alive again.


Not tomorrow or the day after, now. Leaving the past in the past will be difficult, but it’s possible. Everything will be okay and if it’s not, I will make it. I can withstand anything I put my mind to.



Hold My Tongue


I hold my tongue no matter what. Even when the ice breaks, I hold my tongue. For, my tongue has gotten me into trouble too many times. Even when I’m alone, I hold my tongue.


For, if I speak, the risk comes of losing someone close to me. Though I desperately want to speak of what’s on my mind, I hold my tongue. This way, the risk does not come of losing someone close to me.


If only I could break the lock that holds my tongue, then I shall be free. It’s too quiet here. I’m all alone. I want to let go of my tongue. I want to speak in accordance of what I feel.


The energetic girl I once knew, holds her tongue. She’s afraid to speak for fear that she may lose someone close to her. If she were to lose him, what would she even have left of her? Forever will she hold her tongue and forever will she forget who she once was, because she holds her tongue no matter the circumstance.




Dazed Riddle


I’m okay. I’m perfectly fine. I can see into the future. Even though the past is further than I can tell, I still believe I am walking on the grounds of a man I once knew. For this, I’ll run miles in the distance.


The irregularity speaks so kindly to me. Yet even if I were to understand this, I’ll disappear onto her. I am running against the law of physics. This dismantled me from beyond the grave.


A disaster unfolds it’s gates as I shake with an unkind riddance. Tearing up, I disobey the law of physics and so, I drift away again. When I lose consciousness, it’s broken down again.


I can’t find the key to finish the page I’m currently on. He yells and I scream for sanity. I wished for the worship of an unkind soldier. The distance shall run into the far future. We cannot reach. Though, we can breathe in the fire of an unknown time lapse.



Angel From Heaven Above


I know you know that I exist. It’s so strong. It feels right, yet I feel so wrong at the same time. I’ve done everything but loved you. I put you through a lot and I’m truly sorry.


These feelings that I barely control contradict what I need in life. You’re so good. You’re so kind. That’s why I’m so attracted to your heart, your soul. Please forgive me for what I’ve done.


I gave you a lot of stress and I’ll think about this until the day that I die. Your serenity, your peacefulness is what I hope one day I’ll achieve. In my eyes, you’re an angel brought down from heaven to me.


Though, I’ve ruined the impossible. I ruined what could never be. So, I’ll keep wishing for a miracle until my very last breath. I’m whispering so quietly to your soul, for in the morning you can hear my plea.


Just thinking about you brings new-found peace to my mind. It’s your light and I welcome it. I’m not free, not yet. When I am, I really won’t be. I say it so often, but I know you know.


You’re my happiness. I’m confused, I’m restless, but with you I’m neither. You’re merely a human, but with angel wings, I see. Soft feathery dust, you glide right to me.


For once, I’ll give in. For once, I’ll let out. Maybe, then you’ll see. I’m not in your vision. I’m not on your mind. I’m only a bystander of your existence. Give something to me, I beg, Though deep down, I understand that this I don’t deserve.


I’ve wronged everyone. I’ve wronged my life. I need you, yet you don’t need me. I’m away from the norm. I’m away from the light. So closely I want to be. So far away I seem.


The hope is gone. The trust is gone. Yet, the love still remains. In my heart, you’ll stay. In my mind, I’ll beg. I couldn’t stand your delicate love given to someone other than me. With this selfish thought, I go.


A life far from mine, you deserve. Give me something to rest on, please. I beg for your consideration to withstand my heavy weight.



The Girl in the Mirror


Today I am a new person. I’m the girl that was hidden. I’m the girl that never wanted her to be forgotten. All the spiraling emotions interrupt my routine. I became someone I’m not.


No longer was I the girl in the mirror. I was the frown upon the man. I was the dreaded cloud of doubt. My soul was suppressed. I’m here to stay in plain sight. I’m here to stand my ground.


For, I deserve this life just as everyone else does. My spirit is blooming slowly, but I can feel it. So long did I feel that I did not deserve. So long I felt not welcome. I’m human and I’m allowed to be myself.


For, that girl in the mirror is me. That life was filled with joy, but it was inevitably ripped away from my small grasp. My heart, my soul will give me the strength to take back what is rightfully mine. I solely believe I am here for a reason. I am whom I once was. I am the girl in the mirror.


Lost


Each time I fall, I search through hidden cabinets. Each time I breathe, I go unnoticed. I’m flawed but, each step I take speaks otherwise. I’m constantly searching through empty fields.


It’s dark and I crawl inside with hope that I may find peace. To feel tranquility is all I ever desire. The patterns of the world knocks me into a pit of turbulence. I’m unsteady on my own two feet.

I’m lost in the soft wind. I forgot what it’s like to be where I belong. With a vacant cry, I yell. With my own two legs, I run. An echo clears my name and I set sail. The love I have, I surrender.


For, I want to know what it’s like to touch the unknown. A lullaby brings me to tears. A fight ruptures my brain. I’ll search for decades until I reach the light. I can no longer feel my body. I can longer think. I am lost within myself.


Parasitic Brain


The roaches are swarming. Feasting on my brain, they rip open my sanity. I can feel them under my skin, sucking the life right out of my bones. It depletes my energy and leaves me in shock.


I’m paralyzed as they chirp foul words within my bleeding ears. They crawl as their hairless legs tickle my pupils. I shake and claw at my skin to rid of them. Constantly, I can hear them hammering against my skull.


I fall to my knees clasping my head. I can feel them becoming me. Soon, I’m engulfed from within. Soon, I become someone other than me. I raise my voice as they chomp on an electrical rubber band.


My brain has became infested with the blood-thirsty insects, themselves. I mumble incoherently to my riddled brain. I tremble, knowing that fear fuels them. I cannot kill them no matter what I try. I can only live knowing I’m infested with death, itself. My parasitic brain becomes the monster that is me.



Identity Theft


I really care about you. I miss the old you, the smiling you, the kind you. I miss the days that were simpler, the says spent without a care, the fun days. You broke your promise, so I’ll break mine too.


You say you love me, but all I hear is a lie. The truth is plain to see, you don’t love the real me. I’m not sure if you even realize just how much you changed the girl in front of you.


You’ve attempted to mold me like I’m your own little piece of clay. Though you don’t own me, I follow your rules. You’ll say you don’t know where all this is coming from, but I know deep down you do,


I’m tired of walking on glass that illustrates a fragmented reflection of the man I once knew. I feel like I lost my identity to you and I’m on a desperate hunt to get back again. Please believe me when I say I’ve tried.


I came to the realization that this is good for neither of us. I suddenly came face to face with the decision of loving you or loving myself. We both know I can’t have both.


Again


The light captures my eyes and I realize I’m here once again. I fell through the cracks yet, this time I got up. I’ll wipe the dust off that’s clouding my memory. I heighten my senses and I began to learn again.


I rip out the knives and clean my bloody wounds. For, this life is mine and nobody else’s. Again, I’m knocked down. Again, I fight back. All that I desire is my own ball of peace for mine to keep.


The cycle continues, but each time I’m stronger. Each time that I go through, I recognize just how tough I really am. The light at the end of tunnel is my very own success.


Next time that I cry, I’ll remember what it’s like to be me. The happiness continues, yet the sadness excels. The days are deleted. My mind is riddled. The sun turns to the moon and the moon turns to me.


For, I have no clue why I was born. Again, my life grows dark. Again, my life shines. Again, I’m knocked down. Again, I fight back.


Letting Go


The lights suddenly go off and I’m lost in the dark once again. It’s crept onto me for far too long. Welcoming my spirit, I go backwards in time.


The days drag on until I fear what was meant to be. The lighthouse is failing to bring me back home. If I were to go under my own skin, I would find all types of emotions unleashed.


Decades pass and I’m still right where I started. The light beckons me to flee. With my riddled mind, I dance on the railing.


I know if I were to let go, I would have noting left to hold onto. I spin in circles for eternity until I’m dizzy enough to pass out. I’m still barely hanging on with one finger.


For some reason, I just can’t let go. Months pass until I finally realize that it’s time to go. As I do so, I hold my breath. I’m completely shaken by the unknown. When I’m letting go, I fall until I learn to fly back home.



The Light is Me


I’ll rest in pieces while I cry. I’ve lost my name to somebody I hadn’t even known. I’m broken to the point that I cannot see.


My heart is frostbitten, yet my body is warm. I’ll wake up another day to find that the person is still cold. I’m searching for a riddance far and wide.


My blank stare yells a thousand words that I rather not say. One day, I’ll forgive myself. One day, I’ll finally be free. One day, I’ll wonder why I waited so long to flee.


One hundred and twenty names are all still mine. The darkness invades, but now I see the light. It is me. Within myself, I find the key that has been missing for far too many years to count.


The clouds grow dark, but my light will bring me right back home. I’ll have this no matter where I go. The truth is brought to me.


The truth was plain to see. The truth is clear. The truth is within. The light is me.


She Says

My lifeless form brings about new memories that only two can understand. In my mind, she speaks. Together, we are one, so she says.


A lullaby and a cup of tea is all you need to survive, so she says. The girl on the inside begs for life-sustaining information. The girl on the outside declares her motive to kill me.


They weep and they scream. For, she knows how to control me. The cage seems locked, but little did I know that I could slip right through the bars.


It’s not that easy, though. For, the girl that controls me is part of me. On the balcony, I look down to wonder what it’s like to break free from her massive hold.


Someday, I wonder when that will be. That path of death is unequal to the path of life. “I’m helping you,” she says, but deep down I know that what she says can destroy an army.


Ultimate Revenge


You’ve done what I never thought would be possible. You’ve changed the way I see myself in the mirror. It’s a distant memory of who I use to be.


My Independence was demolished. I became dependant on you for my happiness, my sanity. You have gave me the opposite of what I so desperately needed.


Foolishly, I put you on a pedestal like you are a powerful king to me. I kept wishing, hoping that I was analyzing this all wrong. The dread dawned on me.


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