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Excerpt for Internal Screams by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Intro


Internal Screams

by Kennie Kayoz

Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing

Smashwords Edition


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Cover Image courtesy of Pixabay

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Feeling


I'm feeling lost, as I sit not sure what I should do today.

As of late I don't know what I want to do with myself

Feeling lonely, is this a feeling that I should be embracing ?

Trying to put my thoughts together like a puzzle

While it seems like my brain keeps getting spun like a record

Just as I think I think I know what to do, it spins again

The feeling of scared washes over me

I can feel myself shake internally

My stomach clenches while I feel like I want to throw up

Is this my body feeling stressed to no end

Will there be any coming back from this

How will I feel once this feeling passes

I don't know if I want to stay awake anymore

The day already seems long and boring

Having a hard time finding things to do to fill my day

I wonder if things will change at all

As I sit here I keep looking at the time

Can I goto bed yet

I don't know if I'm overly tired but I just want to lay in bed

That's where I feel like I want to be

Not sure if my body is saying it because it's right

Or if it's just because when I'm in bed I try to shut my brain off

Kennie

Through The Pain


To some people life is a gift, the proceed to do good things to others.

To others they feel like life is a regret, they choose to do harm to others

We all have things we have to go through in our life time, both good and bad

Some of the good things will make you smile, knowing that you've done some good

Much of the bad will make you cry, from the pain that it has caused

Every sunrise it will cast a new light upon the day.

Allowing us to see the rest of the world that can both gain and loss by our actions

By harming another human physically or even death, your not harming just one

Your disrupting a family, a community. Your disrupting yourself

By making those choices, those choices will affect you

You have to carry that burden through your entire life

That person in your life could be trying to help you, but you refuse to let them.

Kennie

One Way


We all have our own thoughts on what would make a perfect society

No matter one's up bringing we all have our own thoughts for it.

I don't think either one of us is 100% right, nor 100% wrong.

We all hold pieces to the puzzle to make a perfect society

Even Hitler thought his idea for society was perfect, we looked at him as crazy.

Saddam was no different, we looked at him the same way.

Every group known to mankind has there own reflection of perfection.

I don't think anyone is 100% right, nor 100% wrong

Until we all can figure out what the right way is, we will all struggle.

Each of us will have small struggles, the world will have large struggles.

Each country thinks they're doing it right, each country has there own wrongs

Currently the way society is projected, is being forced upon each and everyone

We all have rules and regulations to live by, some we agree some we don't.

I'm not saying that we're 100% right, nor 100% wrong

But it will take a larger group for a change to happen.

I'm not talking a large group of people with weapons, that's called a war.

Sadly I don't think this planet will survive another war on the world sized scale

Think it would all come down to a push of a button, BOOM! that's all, nothing left.

The way the world is going in this day in age, we have lots of little wars.

So many shootings in so many communities, nobody knows what's going on.

How many innocent victims have we lost ?. Being at the wrong place, wrong time.

How many lives ruined, how many families shattered, how many questions asked ?

Yet we still have no answers

I look at the younger generation that's growing up, I don't know if I agree with things

Not sure if they're being raised right, or wrong.

Will they even have a world to live in when they hit late 30s ?

I don't know what my future will hold

At times I wonder if I'll even be around to grow old

Kennie

While I Learn


I like to learn

I like to learn

I like to learn about his bitch ass.

Already know that he's not confrontational.

But it's not her buttons he has to worry about pushing

It's the guy that he hasn't met that he keeps throwing false threats towards.

One day I'll have the chance to meet you, we'll see how quickly you turn yellow

I don't have to worry about her doing anything with you, she tells me everything.

All your little fucking games, everything you try, how you act around her

You do one thing to harm her and they'll be adding "who ?" when they speak of you

Wouldn't break a sweat if you went missing

Living in the country I got plenty of place to dump worthless junk.

I like to learn

I like to learn

I like to learn about his bitch ass.

Already got know one of your vehicles off hand, not hard to tell which is yours.

Your name is tattoo'd on the side of it, just beggin to be found.

You may wake up one day buried into the ground, nothing but your head sticking out

Hearing the sounds of a lawn mower as you just have to be mowed down.

Like the old days, off with your head. Let the body rot in hell.

Kennie

Running From My Shadow


I'm running from my shadow

But it's still keeping up with me

Being able to trip me up every chance it gets

Just when I think I have lost it, it appears out of no where.

I'm running from my shadow

Running from my shadow

I'm running from my shadow

Running from my shadow

I'll never win the battle

It knows where I am at all times

Life always seems to have a dark element to it

No matter how much you try to bask in the sunlight, the darkness is right there.

You may not see it, but it's always there watching.

I'm running from my shadow

Running from my shadow

It's always there chasing me down

Kennie

I Have A Dream


I have a dream, powerful words spoken by Martin Luther King

As he stood in front of a great audience professing his ideal future

One of my dreams is for poetry to be as popular as it once was

Read by the masses, looked upon as words rooted in greatness

But poetry has taken a back seat to those on the mic who spit rap

The Rhythm And Poetry is what makes my poetry obsolete

Just like someone pushed the key known as delete

Not to remove it completely but to fade to the furthest background

Our words aren't as powerful as they once were.

The pen is mightier than the sword from what I was told

But the loud speaker is what ends up getting sold

I would like to see the table get turned once again

Poetry gain the light that it once did

Not pushed back into the darkness

Allowing for the world to nourish our words that grew from the roots

To thrive and grow strong and be read in front of kings and queens

Now we write on the web in hopes of people stumbling upon our words

In hopes of them meaning something to someone else

Many poets these days don't last long, one or two books before they collect dust

On the shelf they sit, not being sold, as they're looked upon as old.

Kennie

Slit My Wrist, Get To Heaven


If I slit my wrist and bleed out all my life force, can I get to heaven

To be with the rest of my family, or will they look down on me too

Am I best to go down to hell where I don’t think any of them are.

I’m tired of living on this planet

When this planet is tired of me

It’s just one hardship followed by another

I don’t want to watch my furry friends leave

They help make me happy, they make me giggle

Since you told me your getting them taken away

I’ve had many dark thoughts go through my head

Of me not wanting to be here anymore

Not sure if it means running away or not living

I don’t think my mind connected that yet

It’s one of many missing puzzle pieces in my mind

I wonder if any of them will ever connect in my brain

Even if I could take my own life and goto heaven

I would just be with more people who don’t want to be around me

I don’t think anyone who have passed would want to see me again

Or maybe they went to hell, one never knows

I have often wondered that, where did these people go

Or are they floating here with us, on the other side

Like a two sided mirror, they can see us but we can’t see them

I wonder if that’s what the after life is like.

I don’t think I would want to see this side again

Unless I die before a few people, then I would try to watch out for them

I wonder if I would have the option of turning that off

*sales man voice* “Bored of the living, turn it off today” sort of idea

Kennie

Keep Acting Friendly, But I See Your Horns


Trying to show the kitty’s love like you use to

Talking to them when you see them

Trying to entertain them

But your the one who is splitting up the family

Your the one who is taking them away from me

You have always done the same shit with me, you and Dad

Yelled at me and give me shit then thirty seconds later tried to act like your my best friend

But to the two of you it was all a game

No wonder I grew up to be this way and having issues with people

Always had trouble making friends

Had trouble expressing myself to people

Still hiding in the dark not wanting to come to light

I know why you have no friends, why would anyone want to be your friend

You are a true definition of a user of people, you deny it, but it’s easy to see.

Everyone runs from you once they notice it.

Once it becomes apparent they run, for good reason too.

I can’t say I blame them

If I had a place to run to, I would, I wouldn’t look back

You keep saying you have to do everything yourself

Keep telling yourself that, it’ll become a reality soon enough

Specially if you keep treating me like shit, hopefully I’m taken away

In one way or another, death or run away.

At times I don’t care which one comes true

You can then claim that you were meant to be alone

Keep singing the same ole song

Nobody wants to hear it

Nobody is listening

We have heard it all before

But we have seen behind the curtain

It’s no doubt what’s best.

Kennie

You Took It Away


I was starting to see one thing that made me want to live here

They were cute with four paws, I loved playing with them

Petting them, watching them run around and grow

But you took that away from me

Just like an old poem I did called hitler mom

Everything has to be your way, unless you benefit from it you don’t want it

No wonder your kids are the way they are.

All you do is looking for everything you can profit off

Your a user of people, when you don’t get what you want you throw a fit

Growing up, I wished I never became like Dad so I quit drinking.

If I ever turn out like either of you I want to take my own life

The world doesn’t need another one of you, I’m surprise your boyfriend sticks around

I don’t know how in the fucking world he does it

Watching from a distance how you treat him

You don’t know the first thing about a relationship

Yet you tried and still try to give me relationship advice all these years

I laughed at it when you did, you always thought the man should do more for the woman

Your sisters seem to think that too and everyone who drinks your kool aid

Anyone who buys into your bullshit and becomes your yes person

Relationships have to be 50/50, if anyone is trying to tell you differently

They want to profit off of it, in some way shape or form

They are the ones who feel they need to profit more than just having someone

I can’t stand those people, trying to take advantage of someone else

Kennie

One Day


One day my life will get better

I won't have to put up with the things that I do

I'll have constant happiness in my life with every sunrise and sunset

Or that's what I keep telling myself, at times I look into the future and see it bright

Other times it looks like a train tunnel, lots of darkness before the light

All I can do is try to keep moving forward as much as I don't like certain things

Wishing I could change various things in my life right now, but I have my doubts

That a change is in the hand that I've been given, looking around me and seeing it

I've tried to change the inside, looking for peace and happiness

It lead me to anti-depressants for several months, talked to a psychiatrist

Idiot didn't know what I was talking about, seemed like he was fresh off the boat

I explained things the best I could, he didn't understand.. Damn city folk

They've always had access to more things than everyone else, we're always lagging

Kennie

Been Struggling


Been struggling with going upstairs over the last few days

Looking outside makes me sad, I'm trying to avoid sadness

I know it's not helping me, but I don't know what else to do.

I tried to talk about it, clearly that's not the answer.

I get answers yelled at me, then I get talked about behind my back

From my own mother on the phone with who knows who.

Telling them that "He's not willing to help"

Everything always has to be your way for you to be happy

You already made me an empty promise

I don't see me following through with it

I know everything you say has a hidden agenda to it

Makes me sad, makes me sick just thinking about it

At times I wonder if I'll truly get over how I'm feeling

Or will the sadness just stay with me forever

As of the last few days I wonder if I'm stuck in this emotion

My pillow has seen more tears recently than it has in a long time

I make conversations in short bursts because that's all I can muster up

Almost like limiting my characters, twitter convo.

I'm bracing myself for the long haul for dealing with this

I don't know what else to do.

Kennie

Feeling Nothing


Even though the worlds around me, I feel lonely

Even though the world has found me, it can drown me.

Sitting here feeling alone as I stare out the window watching others walk by

It makes me wonder as if I'm missing out on something great

So I step outside and look around, I see nothing.

I enter back into my house once again feeling bored and incomplete as I sit

Starring at the wall in complete silence watching my life tick away before me

Nothing appears to be going on with me and nothing.

In my head I've decided to walk away from the computer and devices

It might last for a few hours before I cave and jump on one of them

My life is built in a world of zeros and ones.

At times I wonder if I'm just a hologram of myself cause my real self is that boring

I then blink and come to as I look around the room nobody is around, it's me all alone

Still sitting looking at the wall trying to figure out what I'm suppose to do today

The phone remains silent, my devices turned off trying to find something better

Knowing that on the inside I'm trying not to cave, but I feel my walls shaking

Will it happen now or in a few moments from now

I continue to sit looking at the wall as I try and figure out what am I going to do

Living in the middle of no where I know I have no options, can't really walk anywhere

I continue to sit, my life passes before me, but my life ain't that great anyway

Wondering if I should get up and do something I notice it's now dark outside

I've spent my entire day sitting and doing nothing avoiding the devices I'm hooked to

Not knowing what else to do I decide to head to bed, tossing on the tv

I lay in bed as the screen flicker with what the random choice of the moment was

My eyes begin to get heavy, I don't look forward to the next day

Cause I know, I'll be doing it all over again.

Kennie


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