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Excerpt for Fading Away by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Fading Away

by Ken Squires

Copyright 2018 Ken Squires Publishing

Smashwords Edition


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Tick, Tick, Tick

Sitting in the room I can hear the clock tick.

Every second another tick is heard

It echos through the room, perhaps the floor


The time I've spent sitting on this couch, the things I've done

Tick, another tick and the memories come to mind

Tick it's almost like the past vanishing from my memory


Knowing that person wants nothing to do with me

I sit, I listen to the clock in complete darkness

Nobody seems to care about it


Caring is something that appears to be in my past

Communication is something that is also in that past

Ticking as I sit and wait, listening to the clock


Almost like I'm in an asylum

Nothing else going on

But dead quiet, as the clock continues to tick.


I listen to it, like it's trying to tell me something.

Like it's trying to explain life to me

Like it's the sands of time falling through to the next level


Do I understand what the clock is telling me

Do I understand what it's trying to explain to me

Tick, does this mean that time is almost up


Tick, does anyone care. As things continue to echo

The sound at this time is almost defining.

Tick, what's next


Ken

When I Vanish

Will I be missed when things go dark.

When social media become a thing of my past

I doubt it, the world was a different place at one time


It's changed again, people push me away.

I've now decided to keep walking in that direction

To stay away since that's what they want


I knew I never was a perminate fixture in peoples lives

They won't have to feel sorry for me when they don't have a way of communication

I continue to go about my business like usual


My battery continues to tick down in percentage as I watch my battery drain

Slower than normal since communciation isn't something that happens


The word "what ever" exits your lips, I've continued to keep walking

It's another way that I know that you don't want me to stop walking

Oh well, soon it'll all stop.


Soon I shall vanish

Soon

I keep saying soon


Will it have a time on it

It will.

Soon the time will be known


Ken

Had Enough

I've had about enough.

People tell me one thing, they do another.

Or they hide from me, I guess I'm some kind of monster


Can't be one that they talk to, or try to reason with. Must hide, only way.

Guess that's the case, guess this is what I have to look forward with this face

The thing that is hideous, scary and causes nightmares.


Always been the firm believe of if someone wants to run, not to chase

Why bother chase, too much work, when little to no enjoyment after it.

I guess if people want to run away from me and hide, I should let them.


It's what they want, clearly. Nothing more needs to be said.

When the world sends a monster with thousands running away

The monster doesn't question why, he lets them, he continues to be himself


The monster inside

The monster inside

The monster inside ?


Wow and when I thought I knew people, just when I thought I knew people.

Clearly they throw me a curve ball which makes me question things.

Did I know them as well as I thought


Ken

Let Me Get This Off My Chest

I've been struggling with this for the last several hours, last night before falling asleep a friend and I broke up, I'll be honest she let me walk away.. If she wants to argue that feel free because hearing about your ex's clearly I was one in a million who actually gave a shit about you... Hell I actually gave a fuck about you, countless times we were to get together you called me or wrote me and I asked how your feeling and you said... "Tired" so I told you "Go home and go to bed" .. I didn't say it cause I didn't want to see you.. You want to know why I said it ?


We have a mutual friend who will also no doubt read this but lets just go with the fact that one of those days I said to you "fuck it, come over I don't care if your tired I want you to come over" but you don't show up.. Later that day or maybe two or three days later I see on facebook that you passed away, I wrote our mutual friend and asked what happened ? She tells me it was a car accident right then that will stick with me for the rest of my life.. I made one fucking choice, just one... Yup one, all it fucking took and I was greedy and thought of myself over you and BAM that's it.. Then I would never get to see you after that for sure.


Even if I had my licence it wouldn't have made a difference, I told you time and time again I would rather you sleep cause you weren't getting enough sleep to begin with.. But I must have forgotten that me thinking about someone other than myself is wrong, then last night happened when you basically gave me a virtual kiss and let me go... Yup I can feel the love, not once.. Not a single time did you express that you actually gave a shit about me. Not a single time did you express that you didn't want me to leave. Not a single time did you show that I meant anything to you... None of that happened.


But things went the way they did because that's what you wanted, you can sit there and tell yourself that it's all my fault and that it's what I wanted... You would have been surprised with what would have happened if you actually shown me that you actually gave a shit about me and that you actually shown that you didn't want me to go. It definitely would have changed the entire dynamic of last night... But nope, you had to do things your way.


Shortly after that I removed facebook, facebook messenger from my tablets ... I put in to have my facebook account closed permanently.. Got 30 days so December 27th is the day it happens unless I say otherwise.


So if you actually want to show me you care and that you want me in your life and that I actually fucking did some good in your life... You can message me through your iPad or Email me or go old school and phone me...


I guess if I don't hear from you then it's bye Natasia...


Ken

Want Love ?

Want love ?

Your going to have to go through pain

Your going to have to go through a struggle


If you like how your life is now, it's going to change.

It might be in a good way

But you'll also have bad times, but it's not just your bad times.

Your going to have to talk about it, cause they usually know when your hiding it


Could be times when others get involved when you don't want them to

But all you can do is sit and wait patiently, as it wears thin on you

Knowing that you can't do anything while it happens

The only choices you have is sit and listen or walk


Inside when things happen that are out of your control you die a little inside.

At times you feel trapped and helpless as everything happens, but nothing you can do


Want love ?

Your going to have to go through pain

Your going to have to go through a struggle


Ken

Over and Over

Seems like it's the same thing over and over at times.

Must be fall cause the television is on repeats.

You've seen this show so much you know what's going to happen

You know the next word out of the persons mouth


Nothing seems to change, nothing attempts to change

Sitting and waiting cause that's what you hope.

But each day is just like the last, everything is exactly the same.

Everything continues over and over.


Like being stuck in fucking groundhog day, you know if you try

Nothing is going to change, no matter how hard you try.

You already know the end result.

You know that , but at times you try anyway


By the end of the day you just want to goto bed as soon as you can.

To shut yourself off from the world.

Hopefully tomorrow something will breathe new life into you.

But we all know it'll be the same thing over and over.


Broken record ?

Television in the fall ?

either way you put it, it's my life and I know nothing is going to change.

Some people care, but most people don't about me and those numbers grow


Ken

The Way You Act

The way you act says a lot about you to me.

Trying to be nice and polite, spending time with you watching netflix.

Asking the odd question at times not even during the show I hear your attitude.

As I hear it more and more I take note and I start doing things more for me, less for you.


Took off to Cambridge for about five days, you never found out till the day before.

I debated about saying anything to you about it, but when I found out I should bring food

That told me I had to get into a town, so that's when it came out.

Then today, holy shit today.


You seem to think that I don't know what's going on, fuck I know you got a date.

Your going to your work's Christmas Party.. I know the asshole your going with.

I also know you enjoy talking shit about me, but yet your still living in my house.

Give it time, my patients is like ice and it's wearing thin.. Thin ice breaks easily.


I know you'll never admit it to me about you going on dates or having a boyfriend.

Why would you ?..

But yet you'll give me attitude when others aren't around, it's fine..

I've started not play those games too.


I've always had anxiety about the fire, Mom doesn't understand it. You say you do

But with your attitude your the one putting wood on it, I know it's a bit heavy.

Your no doubt whining to your mom about doing it..

But if you don't speak up to me, I won't know.


I bet if you come home tonight from this party and you find out I didn't eat.

You'll get pissy, honestly I won't even care.

I learned something about myself while away in Cambridge.

When I'm around you, I snack and eat no matter if I'm hungry or not.


When your not around, I don't. I will only do so if I'm hungry

No wonder I've lost weight since we've split.

When your stressed you run right for the food.

I've looked at my own life since that day.


Have been making changes ever since.

Tonight, I'm going to have a ME evening for a few hours.

Going to enjoy it.

Got a few things planned


Ken

On The Outside Looking In

During the month of December, I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

Everyone is close with family and friends.

I've always struggled with doing just that.

Sitting back and watching I try to grasp what's going on, yet it's tough to do so.


I watch others wrap gifts with ease and put them under the tree.

When it comes to my turn, I struggle with it, I struggle with all aspects of it.

Including struggling with buying gifts for people, even though lists have been made.

The struggle is real with me and it makes me feel more useless than ever.


Often wondered if something was wrong with me with how much I struggle .

But find it very difficult to explain things to people or to talk about it.

I continue to watch from the outside as I look in, similar to window shopping.

This year seems particularly difficult, I've also had trouble being alone.


So I attempt to push myself to go hang out with relatives, yet I sit quiet.

I say very little and when I'm called upon I struggle to speak

Hearing my voice shake, feeling my body do the same.

It makes me want to stop and give up and get angry with myself.


Once again feeling like something is wrong with me, I doubt anything can fix it

I doubt anyone can fix it. Sadly at times I get like that talking to friends through text.

When they find out, they ask why. I can't explain it. I guess communication is difficult.

It's like static is on my brain, it intercepts my communication making me struggle more.


Ken

Knock, Knock

Knock Knock

I'm no longer letting you in

It's about time that you leave this place

Cause I no longer want to see your face.


Knowing what you were like when we're together

I know your tricks, your lies and the bullshit you say.

You've continued to try to lay it on thick and do the same since we're not together.

No longer do I enjoy spending time with you, it's more of a hassle than anything.


I know your constantly on your tablet trying to offer your pussy to whoever wants it.

The rest of the world can have it, just wait till they find what it's attached to.

I'm sure you tell all of them "omg he treats me like shit and abuses me"

But yet your still living in my house, while you spread those lies.


At first I said I would be there for you when you needed me, but those words have faded away.

You are now on your own, once you leave this house my communication will be limited at best

As I continue to be a nice guy, I've taken note of all the shit you've said, done and how you act

I know I'm not the only one who've kept a close eye on you.


I hope you end up getting pregant while your still living here.

I won't have a problem kicking the pregant girl out in the cold.

That thing that would be in you, isn't mine and you think I'm going to let you live here

No longer my problem, you can go live with your parents, don't care if they're in a seniors community


Your there child, your there responsibility.

But I see them trying to pass you off to whoever will take you and feeding you lies too.

Wonder what the big family secret is since they won't help you.

They keep giving you money at christmas to help your future


But they won't help your present state.

Which is funny cause they take off on 4-5 vacations each year

Yet they cry that they don't have any money.


Knock Knock

I'm no longer letting you in

It's about time that you leave this place

Cause I no longer want to see your face.


Ken


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