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until you left by ajay sawant




(revised version)



until you

left



ajay sawant



























Until you left

Ajay Sawant © 2019


All rights reserved


This book has been published with all reasonable efforts taken to make the material error-free after the consent of the author. No part of this book shall be used,

reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author

except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.





you are all

enough to me









to write about

something you haven’t gone through

can be written on

foundation of

someone else’s

experience


—my poetry that filters in the truths from my grandmas words



dim lights

your presence

silence

city noise


and i feel like we

keep having healthy conversations

for hours

without lips in

mouths


—silence |cacophony





you are never

a

disaster

until you try to

become one


—nature





my love feels insulted

every time you take

my pillows

like

a bed of thorns


—stop pricking





you are not made of

simple things

there’s a universe i can

see in you


love

never showed out its way

through your eyes

but it was always there

it was always there


you were always a

coconut

untidy from outside

but the softest

and miraculous

from within


—tenderness





192 countries

and i decided to explore you

first


—my first love






before her

i saw flowers in me

i saw blooms in me

i saw god in me


with her

i saw flowers in her

i saw blooms in her

i saw god in her


after her

i saw flowers in me

the blooms had wilted

and

god had left


—habitual





my ship sails in your fragile

soul

a river of hopes

to find the treasure of

thoughts

that gasps on sleeping

pillows

a greed for never ending

sorrows


—pillowed thoughts





wait

hold on

that in your eye

let me pick out the salt rock


—i will borrow your sorrows











i am a shoot

driving myself

driving my growth

towards every hope of

love






your home was a drug

that i made me feel mine

a choice i endeavored with

approval


and it’s indeed sad

that in these feelings of ownership

i never remembered my real place

i am sorry for forgetting you


—first love | shift




look back

i see you


my eyes are open caring

this color on

your back


it marks me your identity

your validity

your natural phenomena


—i see you





the king descends
the throne for  his
brother
in this story

—unconditional






you don’t have apologize

to get validation of your identity


you don’t have to apologize

to get your back painted with

sticks of your nation


you don’t have to be sorry for licking the

cut to help your blood from contaminating

this soil


—blood moon






please stop crying

you are creating

seas and oceans

out

of

it


—they belong to me





i have seen cops hanging handcuffs

in the name of corruptions

mothers pulling salt ridges from their

necks to crystalline knives

bleeding for their children to stay


these education systems being as a rock

a solid built in block to children’s

imaginary

that’s blasphemy

a corruption in its own self


for degraded editorial staff to rule over

people with beautiful imaginary

and riots suppressing rights more than before

and in these things


there was nothing that could heal up from this dementia

i still miss the sutlej and chenab

there are few wounds only they

can heal


—i am no exception





if ever you want

to listen to me


go

to the oceans

those tides crashing

&

daunting


is my infliction

against

me


—just for you





after all
you need to have experienced
hatred to know
what being loved
is

—you need to get in the water to start swimming





trans-culture is such a beautiful thing

to be into

partial dominance of everyone

though it’s chaos

it’s colorful


—neo colonialism






there is nothing more dangerous

than young girls

with messy chestnut hair

and sleepy blue eyes


that can break you

from left and rights

like even hammers

won’t


— beware





everything isn’t always the same

even the caterpillar wakes up

in morning to become a

butterfly

how can you deny then

to not accept

please turn back for me

just once

believe me

i have changed


—look into me





i could never love

too easily

even

to person loved me seas

but hated others to oceans


— unusual






since my birth

i constantly have hands in my mouth

trying to pull out my tongue

hiding words

in stomach

and trapping the rest in

my throat


—tongue





beginning of concealer

is endings

just to the showcase of sorrows


and concealer is less


to hide






love was right in front of

me


but i chose me over

it.


—decision





shattered can be collected

broken is sad

that can’t be mend


you will still see the scars


cause

nobleness is integrity

but

humbleness is unique


—this process of learning



old women are not witches

they don’t ride on the magic brooms

nor obscure prophecies turning

gardens to forests


they just sit in some corner doing their chores

for hours

or that lonely garden sewing threads of the doob


more often you will find them

feeding the sparrow

and reminding their so called incandescence of youth

in those reflections on lakes


more often you will find them

talking to themselves

remembering on bygone memories

and dear ones only they knew


more often you will find them

in the long busy bus stand queues

and on lonely stinky medical benches waiting for their medical bills


more often you will find them

crying inside out

yelling with need for support

more need for love

and more need of everything you got

from them


—they need love




this heart —


see how it sinks

in salt water

but still doesn’t

drown


—stillness






a war between

stars

tarnish your

heart to

tar


— sad truth






my pilgrimage

is on a guide from

from my body

to

my home


—anything that offers more warmth





i can concise the dictators

paying to suppress

the voices


but it was like asking for

one hand

when everyone always had

two


—foolishness | final revolt






bees love sunflowers

still they don't kiss

the same they had

been

the other day

—once away don't expect the return





magic and miracles

begin with belief in

self

loving


—self love





don’t love me
because you fear losing me
love me
because you like being loved

—“fears” stand behind
    it’s a queue






there are days when you don’t need to
love
hate
hold anyone
just think and view around

—understand what’s going on





we are as beautiful as those dead porcelain petals


—sad






did you ever

stop

and think of me

while you were

leaving


—please tell me





bougainvilleas thread

my brows like the summer breeze

they ain’t different

my lover is the same


both adding my blood

to salt

trying to parch out littlest water

with highest losses


— salt






i am no longer in

anticipating things


that can’t participate to be

a part of me


—the things like you







don’t hold my fingers

hold my hand

it feels security


—security






i would

rather like to be like the

irrelevant seed

than a tree that just bears hope

while fruits

nothing

at

all


—no false hopes ii






like the sun rises after every

sunset


you will rise after you

fall


—revival






convincing


is just another word to make you

halt in your struggles


a settlement for little longer


—rude






this wool was for the baby sheep

not for me to hide


—i knew its right place |and i was unknown of the other side






i wear

sweaters in sun

and you put on t shirts

even on

the

coldest night


yet why do i fall cold


dead inside | cold within







i cry with others

i cry of others

i cry for worthless others



—i know but i still can’t hold





i

want to

taste the death

and

still live


—wanting to know life





your tears are

the voices of every broken heart

silenced

to internal death


—you bear magic in your expressions

your gestures are powerful





your absence feels like moonless sky


—dim






fragrances of you feel so fresh

like mildews blooming

pollens of lavender and

roses


—i just inhale






your atoms

and my pigments

are good at hiding


—they play a fair game





these tides are steady

they float

and suck you like faster when

you return


they are no less than a

refugee not wanting to leave a

restroom


—painful but unavoidable





sad was

when you loved me

assuming someone else


—compromise





there’s something sad

even when i am naked

maybe i miss my old eyes


—sight






for now

by having no

conversation

you are just

gathering heaps of

misunderstandings


—you will never be able to resolve later






sometimes

i fall for this thunder


who is still so

calm

still so optus

and dark sky


—mother ii





my water supposed

but never healed


—i am crying out it







i look up to you

for courage

and


when you break

i break


—mother i





there are days when you fall in love with just existing






“you are right

i feel sorry for you”



—for this colour i bear









this love

is not the kind of love

i wanted







if you want to murder me

don’t try to drown me

in

seas and oceans



it won’t help

because i am too much of

salt

water and

sand

in myself



—revival ii









break this cocoon

i want to see you free



like this earth

bursting out to become my

moon



—moon









if you say ‘yes’

but the voice says “no”



trust me go back

your instincts

they hold the power to tear guts



—believe in them









i kept crying

for the whole time

to remove the salt



thinking

that one day

i will be out of water



how did i forget i was trying

to get rid of nothing

but my own

roots



—child of oceans











flared by cosmos

she was kissed by the seas



because my poems always favor my origin











salt

is this

anger

sadness

anguish

&

destructiveness

in me

for letting in hopes



—salt.











for me you are everything

except for oceans

because they are

me



—origin









but love can’t kill me

whatever happens









your child will never be

your child

until you have been a

child of

someone



—because people every soul reflects what it gets to see









this pain

it will stay on long as

you keep holding

on



undress yourself

and run









my heart says nothing but

‘enough’ anymore



how much ever love you

feed

and how much joy you

serve



it’s just with the same chant

i guess that’s the point you are tired

of everything

when you begin

being a monk



“enough enough enough”







don’t forget your roots

they have watered you

in

the most difficult times



—salinity









whenever you speak

just remember

spells are

c h a n t e d



but

your whispered prayers have still

reached god before



—good and bad









if you

yourself

are with you



—that’s enough | you are firm to stand and deserving to stand













(even if anyone refuses)






these scars on your heart

are my

proof



we once existed

together



—proof









an ode to my shoulders

to how they carry mountains



and how they slip the tears

they embed diamonds to my eyes

rolled oceans out my chest



—shoulders











and even if

you had half of my

heart



i would have become

whole



—that’s all you needed









we need more



men for men

and women to women

relations

than

a man to women

or a woman to man


—that’s what my nation needs





wounds are relatable to roots
times prune them
do have you seen them not grow?


in fact they grow even steadier
to showcase their majesty confined to itself

—we are a nature's part after all






don't lie
at least not to yourself
and please

don't even try to convince

—don't





and the world seems
arrogant to those
who are always
humble

first to themselves

and then to

others.

—think of others







let's move beyond infinity

and keep before existence


cause darling i know it's just your mirage
lets not dream too high.

—let's stay true





i am not learning to love,
its my love that's learning,
about my self representation,
finally !

—self representation





i am not into love,
cause i am afraid that my poetry might come true.

—don't write poetry anymore




we were the specs of dust among many
binded with love and ignored by everyone
and i am fallen for this ignorance,
even more than i had ever thought of.

—i refer isolation these days





bad mothers

birth a future gentle lady

a much better mother

but her old water

does not make

anyone

believe


—sad but undeniable truth of cause | recovery of roots





i bite my tongue back

i bite i bite i bite

and it bleeds

webs

anguish

trauma

envy

redolence

and lines start saying

water

red red red

and i can see it black

and thus i satisfy my ego for others

for me i nest tombstones in my chest


—tomb





salt.

was enough to teach me live


—life





i sugar at others who

pull me

down


and i salt those

who ask me to

fly

higher


just because i am left unknown who spoke it for me | because i didn't know who held me tight not of love but of fear






i broke every glass

and i

broke every

mirror


i looked into those pieces

now i find me

beautiful


—the hate you give |odd






remember
if you are writing intentionally
that isn't writing

—force |for something




for bringing me to this world

giving me a chance to open my eyes

and replacing me with your place

on this land

how can you call yourself ugly

if you have given birth

to someone who finds you

prettiest among all the divas in this world


mother iii






honey if you yourself couldn't love you sufficient
how could i then

—blame



















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