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until you left by ajay sawant

(revised version)

until you


ajay sawant

Until you left

Ajay Sawant © 2019

All rights reserved

This book has been published with all reasonable efforts taken to make the material error-free after the consent of the author. No part of this book shall be used,

reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author

except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

you are all

enough to me

to write about

something you haven’t gone through

can be written on

foundation of

someone else’s


—my poetry that filters in the truths from my grandmas words

dim lights

your presence


city noise

and i feel like we

keep having healthy conversations

for hours

without lips in


—silence |cacophony

you are never



until you try to

become one


my love feels insulted

every time you take

my pillows


a bed of thorns

—stop pricking

you are not made of

simple things

there’s a universe i can

see in you


never showed out its way

through your eyes

but it was always there

it was always there

you were always a


untidy from outside

but the softest

and miraculous

from within


192 countries

and i decided to explore you


—my first love

before her

i saw flowers in me

i saw blooms in me

i saw god in me

with her

i saw flowers in her

i saw blooms in her

i saw god in her

after her

i saw flowers in me

the blooms had wilted


god had left


my ship sails in your fragile


a river of hopes

to find the treasure of


that gasps on sleeping


a greed for never ending


—pillowed thoughts


hold on

that in your eye

let me pick out the salt rock

—i will borrow your sorrows

i am a shoot

driving myself

driving my growth

towards every hope of


your home was a drug

that i made me feel mine

a choice i endeavored with


and it’s indeed sad

that in these feelings of ownership

i never remembered my real place

i am sorry for forgetting you

—first love | shift

look back

i see you

my eyes are open caring

this color on

your back

it marks me your identity

your validity

your natural phenomena

—i see you

the king descends
the throne for  his
in this story


you don’t have apologize

to get validation of your identity

you don’t have to apologize

to get your back painted with

sticks of your nation

you don’t have to be sorry for licking the

cut to help your blood from contaminating

this soil

—blood moon

please stop crying

you are creating

seas and oceans




—they belong to me

i have seen cops hanging handcuffs

in the name of corruptions

mothers pulling salt ridges from their

necks to crystalline knives

bleeding for their children to stay

these education systems being as a rock

a solid built in block to children’s


that’s blasphemy

a corruption in its own self

for degraded editorial staff to rule over

people with beautiful imaginary

and riots suppressing rights more than before

and in these things

there was nothing that could heal up from this dementia

i still miss the sutlej and chenab

there are few wounds only they

can heal

—i am no exception

if ever you want

to listen to me


to the oceans

those tides crashing



is my infliction



—just for you

after all
you need to have experienced
hatred to know
what being loved

—you need to get in the water to start swimming

trans-culture is such a beautiful thing

to be into

partial dominance of everyone

though it’s chaos

it’s colorful

—neo colonialism

there is nothing more dangerous

than young girls

with messy chestnut hair

and sleepy blue eyes

that can break you

from left and rights

like even hammers


— beware

everything isn’t always the same

even the caterpillar wakes up

in morning to become a


how can you deny then

to not accept

please turn back for me

just once

believe me

i have changed

—look into me

i could never love

too easily


to person loved me seas

but hated others to oceans

— unusual

since my birth

i constantly have hands in my mouth

trying to pull out my tongue

hiding words

in stomach

and trapping the rest in

my throat


beginning of concealer

is endings

just to the showcase of sorrows

and concealer is less

to hide

love was right in front of


but i chose me over



shattered can be collected

broken is sad

that can’t be mend

you will still see the scars


nobleness is integrity


humbleness is unique

—this process of learning

old women are not witches

they don’t ride on the magic brooms

nor obscure prophecies turning

gardens to forests

they just sit in some corner doing their chores

for hours

or that lonely garden sewing threads of the doob

more often you will find them

feeding the sparrow

and reminding their so called incandescence of youth

in those reflections on lakes

more often you will find them

talking to themselves

remembering on bygone memories

and dear ones only they knew

more often you will find them

in the long busy bus stand queues

and on lonely stinky medical benches waiting for their medical bills

more often you will find them

crying inside out

yelling with need for support

more need for love

and more need of everything you got

from them

—they need love

this heart —

see how it sinks

in salt water

but still doesn’t



a war between


tarnish your

heart to


— sad truth

my pilgrimage

is on a guide from

from my body


my home

—anything that offers more warmth

i can concise the dictators

paying to suppress

the voices

but it was like asking for

one hand

when everyone always had


—foolishness | final revolt

bees love sunflowers

still they don't kiss

the same they had


the other day

—once away don't expect the return

magic and miracles

begin with belief in



—self love

don’t love me
because you fear losing me
love me
because you like being loved

—“fears” stand behind
    it’s a queue

there are days when you don’t need to
hold anyone
just think and view around

—understand what’s going on

we are as beautiful as those dead porcelain petals


did you ever


and think of me

while you were


—please tell me

bougainvilleas thread

my brows like the summer breeze

they ain’t different

my lover is the same

both adding my blood

to salt

trying to parch out littlest water

with highest losses

— salt

i am no longer in

anticipating things

that can’t participate to be

a part of me

—the things like you

don’t hold my fingers

hold my hand

it feels security


i would

rather like to be like the

irrelevant seed

than a tree that just bears hope

while fruits




—no false hopes ii

like the sun rises after every


you will rise after you




is just another word to make you

halt in your struggles

a settlement for little longer


this wool was for the baby sheep

not for me to hide

—i knew its right place |and i was unknown of the other side

i wear

sweaters in sun

and you put on t shirts

even on


coldest night

yet why do i fall cold

dead inside | cold within

i cry with others

i cry of others

i cry for worthless others

—i know but i still can’t hold


want to

taste the death


still live

—wanting to know life

your tears are

the voices of every broken heart


to internal death

—you bear magic in your expressions

your gestures are powerful

your absence feels like moonless sky


fragrances of you feel so fresh

like mildews blooming

pollens of lavender and


—i just inhale

your atoms

and my pigments

are good at hiding

—they play a fair game

these tides are steady

they float

and suck you like faster when

you return

they are no less than a

refugee not wanting to leave a


—painful but unavoidable

sad was

when you loved me

assuming someone else


there’s something sad

even when i am naked

maybe i miss my old eyes


for now

by having no


you are just

gathering heaps of


—you will never be able to resolve later


i fall for this thunder

who is still so


still so optus

and dark sky

—mother ii

my water supposed

but never healed

—i am crying out it

i look up to you

for courage


when you break

i break

—mother i

there are days when you fall in love with just existing

“you are right

i feel sorry for you”

—for this colour i bear

this love

is not the kind of love

i wanted

if you want to murder me

don’t try to drown me


seas and oceans

it won’t help

because i am too much of


water and


in myself

—revival ii

break this cocoon

i want to see you free

like this earth

bursting out to become my



if you say ‘yes’

but the voice says “no”

trust me go back

your instincts

they hold the power to tear guts

—believe in them

i kept crying

for the whole time

to remove the salt


that one day

i will be out of water

how did i forget i was trying

to get rid of nothing

but my own


—child of oceans

flared by cosmos

she was kissed by the seas

because my poems always favor my origin


is this






in me

for letting in hopes


for me you are everything

except for oceans

because they are



but love can’t kill me

whatever happens

your child will never be

your child

until you have been a

child of


—because people every soul reflects what it gets to see

this pain

it will stay on long as

you keep holding


undress yourself

and run

my heart says nothing but

‘enough’ anymore

how much ever love you


and how much joy you


it’s just with the same chant

i guess that’s the point you are tired

of everything

when you begin

being a monk

“enough enough enough”

don’t forget your roots

they have watered you


the most difficult times


whenever you speak

just remember

spells are

c h a n t e d


your whispered prayers have still

reached god before

—good and bad

if you


are with you

—that’s enough | you are firm to stand and deserving to stand

(even if anyone refuses)

these scars on your heart

are my


we once existed



an ode to my shoulders

to how they carry mountains

and how they slip the tears

they embed diamonds to my eyes

rolled oceans out my chest


and even if

you had half of my


i would have become


—that’s all you needed

we need more

men for men

and women to women



a man to women

or a woman to man

—that’s what my nation needs

wounds are relatable to roots
times prune them
do have you seen them not grow?

in fact they grow even steadier
to showcase their majesty confined to itself

—we are a nature's part after all

don't lie
at least not to yourself
and please

don't even try to convince


and the world seems
arrogant to those
who are always

first to themselves

and then to


—think of others

let's move beyond infinity

and keep before existence

cause darling i know it's just your mirage
lets not dream too high.

—let's stay true

i am not learning to love,
its my love that's learning,
about my self representation,
finally !

—self representation

i am not into love,
cause i am afraid that my poetry might come true.

—don't write poetry anymore

we were the specs of dust among many
binded with love and ignored by everyone
and i am fallen for this ignorance,
even more than i had ever thought of.

—i refer isolation these days

bad mothers

birth a future gentle lady

a much better mother

but her old water

does not make



—sad but undeniable truth of cause | recovery of roots

i bite my tongue back

i bite i bite i bite

and it bleeds






and lines start saying


red red red

and i can see it black

and thus i satisfy my ego for others

for me i nest tombstones in my chest



was enough to teach me live


i sugar at others who

pull me


and i salt those

who ask me to



just because i am left unknown who spoke it for me | because i didn't know who held me tight not of love but of fear

i broke every glass

and i

broke every


i looked into those pieces

now i find me


—the hate you give |odd

if you are writing intentionally
that isn't writing

—force |for something

for bringing me to this world

giving me a chance to open my eyes

and replacing me with your place

on this land

how can you call yourself ugly

if you have given birth

to someone who finds you

prettiest among all the divas in this world

mother iii

honey if you yourself couldn't love you sufficient
how could i then


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