include_once("common_lab_header.php");
Excerpt for Fortune by , available in its entirety at Smashwords














FORTUNE

Angena







Copyright © 2019 Angena
All rights reserved.


@angenapoems



Our fortune has always resided in

people who pursue their interests,

not for applause or money,

but because for the love of their craft,

what has benefitted the whole human race

has best benefitted the person himself, too


My fortune is that I can share my fortune with you.







































Contents



EXPRESSION 8



VALUES 48



CONNECTION 65



























EXPRESSION






From unappreciated

to something larger than fears,

From ignored and neglected

to a revolution,

There will be a new balance of things,

the current will change,

my dismissed magic

will help the ones that did me wrong,

it will salvage, perforate, and heal,

until they’re on their knees,

begging for more


There will be a new balance of power,

the ones that have always known

that their beauty has no relationship with their appearance,

will survive as the fittest


I don’t have to try to show you,

because it’ll happen anyway,

when the balance hits the tide,

and water washes all the role play away









We take child’s play as child’s play,

now she is doing adult things,

was I just growing up when I was writing those stories about our family,

or was I telling the world what will be my service to it?


I wrote “Artist at Work” on my door,

as I finally started to take myself seriously,

I closed my door gently,

manners that I had now,

and sat down to do exactly

the same thing I did when I was 9











I never wanted this to end,

I got so much joy from creating,

that I hoped I never wrote the last verse,

dance to the last beat,

I was so deep in the feathers of now,

where inspiration collided with the human body









Purpose

To say it in reverse,

we need to make our healing our profession










It will start spilling out of you,

if you fail to express it,

it’s more like an obligation than a choice,

you either follow your excitement,

or your tongue will slip,

your hand will drift,

and your body will start doing it anyway











Magic lays in the palms of people tonight,

it is their job to either embrace it

or call it something weird.

They can start getting excited about who they are

and what they are doing,

or hide it away and make it work against them.

In the end,

what made it all a game

was that it was always their decision.



























All my insecurities suddenly disappeared,

as it dawned on me,

that these ideas to write

were never just for me

they were in me,

so I could write on pages public

to share the knowledge with others


My hands were never mine only

they were there to serve a purpose

I was the universe’s poet

I was to be lifted high

so I could scream hard and far

so I could tell the stories that were burning inside of me




When I welcomed the arts to my life,

I started to embrace negative emotions again.

They became a signal to create something rewarding

that would give back to society

instead of draining a little girl from the inside out


As an artist I could find my place

as an observer of feelings

lay the ball of emotion on my table

look at it from a level of neutrality

start molding it

project on the paper

into a story








Although I’m special in my characteristics,

my characteristics are not more special

than anyone else’s,

what I am is devotional,

devotional towards what I love to do















I think that’s the only way to get to the top. No matter what your field is. Better said, I think the only field you can get to the top is the one you love. I dwelled a lot in the past with my not special specialness. It restricted me from sharing what I had made. Until I got it: my superpower wasn’t in being more unique. My power came from being dedicated to my passion that is writing. My work stood out from others because I had the interest to use hundreds of hours to perfect it. It was more well-thought-out than someone else’s, not because I was necessarily better, but because they didn’t love to do it as devotionally as I did.








What I do with fulfillment

matters so much















Even something is currently net worthless,

it doesn’t mean it’s not important,

if it’s everything to your sanity,

it’s means it’s crucial to the collective world’s sanity too,

We need people in activities they do

when they’re the most inspired







Some days I don’t feel like a writer at all,

on those days I feel awful,

I wander around the streets and parks,

watch families play with each other,

and I hope no one will ever feel this out of place

all my pride is gone

and I start to pity myself

for I can’t see anything but routine and ordinary around me,

where there were prickles of magic,

there are now only realistic standards, tight schedules and dull, meaningless observations


















I’ve been trying to make everything too perfect

so that it’ll shine just like a brand-new stainless-steel kitchen

I’m scared to get even a dot of dirt on it,

but,

dirtying things was fun

or better said,

what was fun made places messy at times


My life’s work was nonetheless to have a good time,

no matter what I did








You’ll get everything in this life,

that you have the audacity to ask

I’m not saying that there won’t be ups and downs,

but you’ll get it


That’s what I wrote on my wall,

that’s what I kept striving for

until I could write the date it happened next to it


They weren’t goals like ‘get out of bed’,

though that’s a great one as any,

they were things like ‘kiss the Queen of England’,

and they still happened









Exploring imagination,

I realized I could do exactly that,

with the best,

the producers and the artists I adored,

were just exploring too,

we all have as much to give,

no one is less than their inspirations,

measured from any angle,

I wanted to meet my idols

but I also wanted them to meet me

That’s what I understood,

That’s what I saw for me






Being someone’s fan is crazy at times. People who are great feel less than great because they are looking at someone they think is greater. Being a fan is excellent when it’s based on admiration.

He’s beautiful which means there are beautiful things around me. Which essentially means life is beautiful. Which should lead to the only natural thought: “I’m life so I’m beautiful too.”




When I tell my dreams aloud,
they sound goofy to you all,
in that moment they sound goofy even to me
because
I let the judgement that you introduce

the criticism I've been hiding on my own
to rain in
still they're not goofy

nor silly nor even childish at all
they're mine and they're there for a reason







Coming back to the crime scene that
raised me to a mad woman.
Mad to travel every corner of the map.
Mad to make it big.
This blue-white country, fundamentally a cotton wool society,

came with easy and hard.
For me it was my starting point for everything
where I felt it was inappropriate to scream my emotions aloud
the place that had given me so many gifts I could carry with pride



It was time for me to fly far

where there was nothing I already knew











I want to be on the edge

where everything happens

not here anymore

where people hear last


I’m going to write Fortune

like rappers rap about

dropping out of college,

getting signed and buying cars

it’s going to be glorious


I can’t be here not making sense

when I should be there being great


A little girl’s journey to the edge










I'm in it for my personal authentic expression

That's the touch I want leave on everyone I meet

All I wanted was to fly like I fly

kick out the gates

and let everyone see me dancing like I do.

Not for praise but for freedom.

All I ever wanted to be was myself

here alone and out there with people.

Wanted to joke like I joke, be cute like I was on cozy evenings speak my mind like I spoke my poetry

That's why I did everything that I created

to show freedom of personality.

Nothing made me feel famous like that

Nothing made me feel rich and satisfied to the brim like that.


To just stop doing everything I'm not

To just let go, let go, let go






Pretending or telling half the truth

just had no ring to it,

I’m doing my art even it meant shouting all my secrets aloud







I promised the me in me

to be that woman soaring,

every day that I’m slipping from that promise,

I can feel the me in me boxing with defeat,

she won’t accept it,

I love her for that

But sometimes

when she’s trying to rejuvenate my spirit

Knuckles tight, intense, punching full force,

she’s also beating the inner walls of my body,

and hitting my heart










Sometimes I do the ugliest thing possible to my creation

and call it embarrassing










I’m sorry, are you hurt?”

I kept asking my creativity

as if she was a glass vase on a tilted table,

shattered into something unusable with just a small thud.

I was so scared she would stop coming over

that I was saving her like the last piece of birthday cake.

What if one day I couldn’t find even one word to scribble down?

I shouldn’t tease creativity to its exhaustion.


It was a beautiful conviction,

but it didn’t last in real life.

Where talents are to be pushed, tested

and bend over backwards just to see what they’re worth.

What I realized was that my creativity was a limb,

like my left leg which only became stronger the more I practiced with it,

the more I used it,

the better I became at using it,

me and my leg were partners in my plans.

Just like morning jogs with my dear leg,

creativity supported me, eternally.













How little could she think of herself

when she was all that

she was literally shooting rockets from her imaginary cape

How little she was willing to ask

how little did she think she was worth

she wanted to be alone a lot

because she thought she wasn’t enough

refusing to acknowledge her influence

beating her power down






“I want to be her,

I don’t want to be me anymore,”

she whispered to me with sobbing eyes

and my insides screamed

I felt overwhelmed with hopelessness,

with sadness to her situation and to my past

because I so vividly remembered

how I once wanted to be anyone else but me

and more specifically I always wanted to be that girl


I couldn’t comfort

and worse, I knew I couldn’t change her mind

I could’ve said that “Love, if you were her,

the world would be missing a little you,

and that would be very unfortunate for everyone.”

But I knew she couldn’t register it,

she was too wrapped up with that girl’s elegance

and how she was none of it





Creation can’t thrive if we think we’re flawed.

We’re whole now

and better tomorrow.

Both are true








It was like bursting from a bubble,

that moment I saw myself like others did.

I saw how my hair looked really good just like that, untouched.

I felt how my humor struck a nerve,

I heard how my witty observations

were so interesting.

They wanted to listen to me,

feel my presence,

they thought so greatly of me,

they, like, loved me.


I didn’t know it was possible to perceive self-love from that angle.









Goodness godliness

a goddamned goddess

I rested my head on the altar,

thanked for all my well-being

for my clarity to say what I mean

for that ball of light that rested under my sternum

which always guided me to help other people

for ideas to start rebellions and hands to carve out the spells to execute them

With all the hell-bent power of Monroe, Knowles,

Angelou and such,

was I raised to accept my life




If people call me arrogant,

maybe I’ve just done my job right,

my words were never meant for the hateful anyway


I know I’ll be forgiven

after all I gained all my fortune

from building other women




Come and test

my state of rest

friendly foes and enemies

I am here to be pushed

forever uncrushed


Analyze and try to pick on my ridiculous high hopes

I dare you

I wore my power today just for you

I dare you, c’mon


I gather momentum

like a model does camera flashes

every day

you’ll just see me closer to my carefully dreamt insanity








In this short, short life

we got to be ourselves

ablaze

that’s all

rid that pleasing

rid those thoughts that say the world is flawed

rid fitting in forever




Motivation to wake up

comes from reminding yourself

that you can be the person you want to be.

I ironically remembered that today better than ever,

when I didn’t have the desire to even eat the food I loved.






I was waiting for you, god,

to join my endeavors

my dreams and desires

but I found myself alone on my knees


Am I not worth your time

too busy giving peace to others?


I can’t do it all by myself

my hands don’t reach

head too cluttered

too many strings pulling me in different direction


I can’t do it all alone

so I’ll hope

and weep

and look up until you’re there






I was dead,

I really thought so,

my body went to places

but I didn’t

When I was alive, I was angry, furious

When I calmed down, I calmed right back to dead


As I moved from work to gym

to home to work,

I could feel all this life that was buried in my body


Day after day,

week after week,

until I got used to living without desires

I bored, bored, bored myself to death





Moving from numbness to anything

is a victory,

I didn’t realize it fully back then,

but getting your energy spinning

even for the sake of stressing about time,

or anything that mundane

is one step higher than before







I’d eat tomorrow’s breakfast now

if I could,

I’d run 10 minutes on a treadmill in 5 minutes too

if I could,

I’m rush, panic and effort


Impatience


If I’m not moving,

I’m bothered

and when I’m moving

I wish I’d already be there











Enterprises are built every day,

and I keep wondering

whether someone will beat me to it






We have 24 hours every day,

I use them all being busy






Energy used doesn’t tell the distance travelled

Kingdoms are built with knowledge and calm

Queens hold energy cells in their finger tips

and blow them to the right places

I had been running in quicksand

while I could have governed from my throne







I got it twisted at times,

clenching my jaw,

claiming pain from others’ victories,

pointing at mistakes on my own canvas,

using precious skill to create in haste.

Motivation can start chewing you from the leg up

if success isn’t living stress-free anymore.




“More. This is not enough,”

I curse.






My ideas don’t know my bank balance

and I’m tired of telling them

I want to plan like I plan

buy like I buy

I don’t care anymore

I know my price and I’m not negotiating anymore








I’m in a hurry to do this so perfectly

that they can call me The Great










Nonetheless, I understand myself

this vision wrapped around my heart

is so magnificent to its every detail

I’m bound to be anxious at times

I am there melded seamlessly to the scene

but not just quite yet as I open my eyes






There’s no such thing as giving it up

When you’ve received a dream

two choices appear

you either achieve what you desire

or you neglect it and grow bitter for not having it

There’s no such thing as letting a desire go

there’s only choosing to act on it

or burying it sourly in your heart




I chose to go for it

even on some days it felt like

I was trying to mix paper and rock

to make green











Trust that the cells of your body know what to do






The time when you have no managers, no editors, no audience, no past work to show for yourself, no deals, or your signature on a single paper, absolutely zero people interested in what you do and even fewer people helping you do it

the time that you feel ridiculous at times when you're doing your thing

that's the hard bit but it's a lovely bit

if what you're doing matters to you

If you make through this one

you'll make it any time






















Take it as a process, as a formula you must pass


Starting with the vibrant start

leading to awkward beginnings

that’ll take us to small wins and gaining some support

all mixed up with ugly falls and fails

from where we rise with increased clarity and determination to make it

only to come down to them again

coming right back up with even more precision and final touch

so we can experience the speeding up of things

the unsureness of “Can this actually be true?!”

leading to even more magnificent rise

that can only be followed by celebration





It takes time to gather momentum in what you're really meant to do. That's why you need to go through this. To make your dream better every step of the way until it's so tangible that you're holding it in your palm. That palm which might have been trembling in the start but has become unshakably sure by now.







I get it,

belief is not easy

especially when it’s invisible and abstract

like gravity

but there we have millions of people to back us up

so we won’t look crazy for it

but to believe in some unseen idea

and to do it alone

that’s the hard bit

but you still have to believe in yourself

























Our talents only come

they’re summoned with confidence,

which means at first,

the only thing that is worth anything

is our faith in who we are





Avoiding walking every route that might make you look silly

is rejecting the build-up of your genuine expression






When the first snow falls,

there’s no guarantee how long it will stick,

it’s all so unsure and there’s no proof to show

that it’ll be a white Christmas for certain this year

in the beginning it’s like that,

so fragile











Crazy whispers telling me these people are wrong,

swifts of emotion rushing to tell me to trust what I know

compelling ideas coming to my conscious,

when I dance

chards of glass are cutting me from superfluous conversations,

I’m free in my knowledge

I don’t have to believe money in budgets

satisfaction in scarcity or society in pressure

What I need to go forward is the truth of my own















Äiti, I promise I’m going to become successful,

so successful that you don’t have to worry about me

I’ll be so good

that it’ll be in turn

you as my concern


Big Sis, I’m scared too at times,

it feels like a hot knife going through

when I think about all the ways I could fail and lose my money

disasters that might occur and rents I can’t pay

I do stay up thinking of them too


But when I write,

all the poverty vanishes

there’s no pressure

and I just write

in that mood fascinating ideas just come

thoughts that can save my day

create, and save someone else’s, too


I know what you want me to do,

but shouldn’t I grab this

that feels like power

when it’s right in front of me

shouldn’t I do exactly this

when the opposite burns soul

when the other work can only provide me with survival

and I’m counting when to quit anyway

I’m not about pros and cons really,

I just choose life


I decided to choose life


To all the mothers and sisters

and mostly to my own dear ones,

I give you my word to make you proud

I’m taking us somewhere exotic then

where we can look back at this from the Hills of Shenzhen


You can feel safe about me again

just trust,

how much I trust

when I’m choosing creative life












Because every day I want to wake up,

meditate,

and do something that fills me up from my beating heart




I have my speech all written down and ready

for when I make it,

I will thank all the people who saw even a piece of my vision

supported me from there.

I will also thank the ones who were close,

but never saw what I saw.

you made realize how strong I was in my desire,

you made me work smart.

You were all needed,

if there weren’t the pessimists, the ridiculers,

the blindly cheering ones, the faithful friends,

I wouldn’t be on that stage,

announcing my love.


When I make it,

I hope the world has started to shift

to a kind where there are no celebrities

where ‘making it’ isn’t a specialty but part of everyone’s journey

there would be just talented people

exchanging their gifts with each other

looking as uniquely flawless

rolling equally in money,

Finding what you do in joy

would be mandatory in its most pleasant form

‘making it’ only means expressing it to the public







When I make it,

I’m going to tell all the young ones to get excited

about anything and nothing


When it comes to capitalizing your important talents

it’s a matter of When, never If
















VALUES








Buddhism, minimalism, feminism

or any ism

is just a way for her to find agreement with herself,

the values, the principles she chooses to follow

are not inherently there to provoke the world

or to upset

they are there to settle a war inside of her

answer questions

bringing her eventually to a new home

that feels just right









I’m still busting in university,

jumping hoops I care nothing of

striving for credits given by the dumbest court

some professors giving me friendly advice

their words of encouragement for the road

but they’re only telling me take on more school


Study harder to achieve these made-up

same-for-all goals

what you learned doesn’t matter

just do what I say


I’m fresh from the stars

born with excellence

and they think, with their dusty thoughts

that they know better than me














I know damn well what this place does to you

it makes you dance out of need

it makes you want to cry afterwards

not because things are awful

but because you need a real feeling

any one

to break away from the numbness and trying so hard

Where am I?

I can’t feel the me I know I am

even I’m sitting right there in my body


Here, I recall,

finding myself crying on the white carpet

tears running but here I am

this is better than fake smiles and untruthful conversations,

this is coming home

even to a sobbing one







When you like your schedule,

the weather doesn’t matter so much,

I feel like here needs to be perfect

so that it is good





Coming here,

to see frowny faces

“I never said my plan was flawless,”

I just hoped you’d see the potential in me that I see

when you’re not second-guessing me,

“You haven’t even seen my work!”

I shout in stress,

as I’m starting to second-guess, too

that maybe

after all

my dreams are too big for me


Because these people will never make me feel

weird or unqualified

except on the days they do,

they come from a place of politics and bad books

or realism and unresolved childhoods

for them I’m a flaw in the system,

and for that they look down on me ruthlessly

even though with all my heart

in respect to the laws of nature

I’m just trying to uplift the world with what I can








I’ll replace lectures with confidence

and I have everything I need.

I’ll stop trying to know everything about everything

as if I have no knowledge in me.

Can’t believe I was listening to tired advice

and everyone else in the streets,

ignoring the amphitheater full of philosophers

that has been handcrafted inside of me.

I’m going to replace inadequacy with power

I’m leaving you, you doubters.









But I can’t blame this place too much,

because through this I rediscovered writing















You can’t catch me aging

by the looks of my body,

or even by the state of my smile.

If it needs to be in a legal paper,

it doesn’t mean it has to mean a thing.

My spirit can’t grow older,

as it remains every day as freshly squeezed as the day I made my first scream.

The years might go by, but I’ll be here

reflecting my always delicious imagination.

Therefore, my face can’t lose its appearance,

as my thoughts will stay as beautiful as yesterday.


Society needs numbers and calculations,

the spirit doesn’t count breaths taken.





If you need my age,

call it perfect for today.





Forever will I create,

it’s an order from life










I tried to come as ugly

I let my hair be tangled and styled by the bed

I wore no make-up or anything I could’ve patted on my skin

I had my body wrapped in clothes that provoked no emotion

as they hung in their blandness

but I still wasn’t ugly

it just wasn’t possible

when there was no shackle attaching me to the bad

I could be only luminous

in my freedom of

in the absence of

anxiety



















It’s how much life she put into her words

that made him call her eyes beautiful.

It’s her endless skill to be herself right here

why she is considered attractive.

It was her love for movement and expression

that made people remember her as sexy.

Her beauty was both internal and external,

but it always started from within.


Alive is good-looking,

cute eye shadows will take you somewhere,

but only a spirit on fire can make it glimmer.








I’ll be forever old school about this,

no phones at the dinner table and

no phones when we’re having a conversation.

If you need to tend to something urgent,

I’ll wait,

but I’m not going to talk to you

when I only have a fraction of your attention,

and I don’t see why it would be asking for a lot.

All I want is your brilliant mind fully engaged with me without certain time limits.

I mean not only until there’s a new notification.

And I solely ask because with all my heart

I’m willing to give the same back to you.

How else could we grow or heal together

if we don’t embrace every kind of emotion eye to eye

without the fear that something slightly uncomfortable or boring

should be broken with anything the screen can offer.












It has become our comfort zone

even it should only be a tool

we have forgotten how it feels to just be

we have forgotten how much weight silence holds

how much there is stimulation when there is no stimulation.





It’s all about time, too.

All I’m searching for is quality,

so, I won’t settle for a room full of people occupied by their phones,

nothing will make you feel lonely like that.

I’d rather spend time with someone who wants to share and connect,

and sometimes the best choice can be just me.




Browse, browse,

swipe, swipe,

makes us disturbed beings

where’s the “I love you”?









I’m addicted to the quick escapism

in its non-alcoholic form,

tell me a story,

fast,

because all I feel is dizzy and numb






Today we confuse dopamine rush with happiness,

the authentic kind where people of all ages make children’s playground noises.

In picking up our devices,

instead of distraction we could look for intention,

and we could start paddling our way back.








We used to be emotionally unavailable,

now we're just unavailable










In essence it’s about wasted potential,

moments we could get close

ask something remarkable

listen to our heart’s lullaby

we waste it all to get our blue light fix









Life is better sober








I liked myself now,

how I looked, how I felt, what came out of my mouth,

how I admired other people that had made it this far.

I definitely didn’t need to have so many drinks

that I didn’t know who I was anymore.







If you’re looking for quick relief

scatter all your current thoughts open on the canvas of your mind

like pieces to an unmade puzzle

pick a though that stings you

take it out for observation and get to know it

talk to the scared little one

where he had come from, why he’s hurting, why he sees the world like that

then smile and thank him for the story

tell him he can go for you now understand why you don’t need him anymore

he’s departure is more than two sips of whiskey













I didn’t have time to do anything

that didn’t feel as softly epic as creating,

all the mediocre activities no longer had space










I think that this group of people wasn’t for me,

we could only feel like “us” when it was in a party.

I believed in parties,

I always had,

but only to real good ones

where you could come as “you”.









This multidimensional world -

constantly under revolutions regarding what we think is true

regarding the tech we use

this diverse population that holds potential for infinite perspectives

which are continually further developed in human minds


All the things I hadn’t tasted yet

the land that produced diamonds

the great tale of the Tiger’s Nest

the lessons of Gita

Books Coelho was able to create

healers and yogis that are walking among us,

just every corner of the universe

that had ever laid a star or had the power to forgive

got me intoxicated, baffled, and mesmerized enough





Salvador Dali said it best, “We are already drugs. We don’t need to use them”.






CONNECTION







I want to be married to you

like I’m married to my creation,

like I’m married to fulfillment,

like I want my name to be carved in authenticity


It’s all one big romance,

you, me & the art we do















I realized I didn’t want to show just my flashier side anymore,

that’s how I knew I was ready to find love.

I just realized that my flashier side wasn’t that flashy.

It was social and polished.

Yet, it wasn’t the part of me that kept you looking at me with curiosity.

It lacked all the features that made me interesting, imperfectly a perfect woman.


I wanted to show you specifically all the other sides.


­












Forest leaves, pine spikes, wet branches hitting this body,

as I run,

you can find me with the wolves

when I’m looking for you

These trees are talking to me,

bringing me messages

telling me to be honest

honest with the people around me

I must tell them about you

This body doesn’t matter,

if it’s not dancing or attached to you,

can I tell people I’ve never even met you?

can I tell the ones who think they love me

that I’m unavailable?

Sweeping snow as I go,

running to meet the sunny side of the world

that lives with you






I loved you

before we had even met




Remind me it’s not all work and no play

punch me with that fun,

push me down the cliff,

just to catch me into an embrace.

Show me that I can have a nice time

on a Tuesday afternoon in September.


I’m asking you,

because I’m ready to be proven wrong

I’m ready to be romanced.

I’m ready to let go of my assignments

and endless to-do -list.

I’m ready to look at someone eye to eye,

squint intensely,

until we’re both laughing.


A prayer for fun






I’d take you with my music anytime,

I’m already curled up and entertained,

but I wouldn’t say no to you



Would you believe me if I told you

I could write seven hundred pages about you









Take me to exhaustion

sing me to liberation

talk with me until there are no words

laugh with me until cheeks hurt

let’s just be somewhere

we haven’t been today yet


This night is liquid gold,

ready to be molded into anything

















Since the best support is honest opinion,

I need people who are not necessarily agreeing with me,

but on my side,

people who are interested to see the world evolve.


My inner circle was ruthless to the point and loving until I got it


If you want to grow with me,

create with me.











I couldn't think of anything we could agree on
or disagree on,
yet it wasn't our lack of conversation that
tore

me apart the most.
I saw us as separate,
as two humans from different species.
It cut the band between us for good,
it made me feel lonelier than I had in days.








I was angry at myself for not being honest with people about my thoughts and desires.

Frustrated that I had not shown who I really was

and how far my humor really reached.

I was so angry at myself that I thought I was angry at other people.

There's a difference between angry and powerful,

and I needed to break free and be the latter.




















Will you love my body like I Iove it?

Do you know how to honor my mind and spirit?

I can’t trust that.


I’m pretty special, you know.


I need someone to run with me,

I don’t need chasers -

the egoistic can move on their way,

you’re too good for god anyway.

With me hand in hand I want.

Can you respect the world with me?






I was sure of myself,
but sometimes just with me
I liked most of who I was
with the rest I was practicing.
why was it then so hard to show all of me to you?

I just imagined putting all that embarrassment and sad into a basket and handing it to someone important,
would they hold it?
Had I shown you enough good that you would hold my dark too?
How would you feel taking care of my mind's turmoil?













Can we cry together?


I want to feel your sorrow,

not just hear it.

Hug me so tight I can feel it pulsate in your chest.

I want to feel it

bumping next to my sad

so that like lovers they can cross hands and fly away.


Let me love you like that.










I wanted to fight with someone so bad,

just throw words like daggers and say every single staggering though

with no censorship

I was done with politeness

acting interested and small talk questions

answering properly, articulating, and trying to be delightful

I was done,

I needed to scream my soul’s insides,

and more than anything I need someone to do that to me


I needed to feel trust as hard as a brick

of someone being able to totally let go with me

Call me names if they needed to in that moment

because I needed to do the same

say all the curses to the world

tell the most painful pieces inside of us

cry dramatically and punch the wall


Say everything,

Shout everything,

be ugly,

more real


I wanted us to stand in the kitchen in middle of the night

in exhaustion of steaming out

feeling emptied of emotions

for they were all floating in the air now

I wanted us to stand there

faces all puffy, minds tormented,

but holding each other for support


I can’t lean on you, if you haven’t seen my ugly






I am yours to keep

you know enough

I know enough

to not hurt like that

if we don’t mean to

I know enough that you wouldn’t






I trust

you

I trust

your judgement

I trust

myself with you

I am your harmony where you are mine













That calm evening in Barcelona,
when the day had passed,
he dropped all his heart-aching worries
like lyrics to a melancholic song
.
I listened with my heart open

to how he though he stood on a world scale,
pressed my thumbs to his neck
and held his head high
when today he couldn’t keep it tall.










“Do you understand?!,

I’m in love with you, I really am, do you get it?!”

the man I truly cared about shouted straight to my startled face,

I couldn’t ignore my underlying thoughts anymore.

They flooded on me,

hitting me one wave full of anxiety after another


He could take advantage of me some day,

I’ve seen men do that,

we could suddenly fall out of love

when it wasn’t fun anymore.

If someone loved me, it could just mean he was really flawed too

which means I should watch out.

What if I grew bored of him

the minute I confessed my love,

I’ve had many relationships just dry up.

What if he had a neurotic side

I didn’t know about.

What will we do on those days

that we’re so sick of each other

no love song can cure us?













Here I am all worn out,

next to you,

all I have is this poem,

that I’m whispering to you,

almost in silence it flows from my mouth.

I have nothing else to give tonight,

will I ever, I feel,

but it’s just enough for you.








They fell, fell, fell for it,

every day just a tiny bit deeper,

they scrambled at first to get back to their independence,

until it didn’t matter anymore,

nothing did but having her by his side











You were simply the guy who wanted to

make everyone feel as good as you did,

find love where you love doing, they say,

this guy loved living as much as me,

we were bound to meet no matter where we went







Sitting next to you in a party,

is my party,

all the others come to life,

when I talk to them with you.

Everything that was ever thought before was lost in this presence.







I was a recovering heavy user of control,
but somehow I could let it all go with you,
you couldn't be controlled anyway,
and where we went didn't matter.
I was just happy to show up
and throw the extra luggage of ‘
what ifs’ away
that I had been carrying all day.
You didn't see that breathless, running around side of me,
for that I could tell you my funniest stories and my flirtiest jokes.

My relief looked like the gleaming lights of the city with the softest melody you could play.








You tell me that in our days there are no peaks,

it's just you and me telling stories to each other


I irrevocably love you










From all the people that thought I was not from here,

from all the guys that made me laugh,

from all the artsy, ideological folk,

I liked your attention the best







What made me fall in love with you

was how you believed in my words

when I told you who I was and where I was going.

It wasn’t just with me,

you just trusted the whole world like that.






There was something distinctive

about the way we talked,

the energy we brought

and the smirks we caused.

We looked at each other

when something was funny.










In this world full of disposal fashion, disposal music

and disposal everything,

all I want is to make us a classic.

You and I have something I could listen to every day,

I’ll never grow tired of how you see the world,

like chords to a song I am embedded in you.






















I think it’s always important

to end things with love,

especially when you start with power,

that’s how you follow the harmony of the human nature









Dear one.

You have found yourself in the end. I deeply hope you enjoyed the journey and shared my inspiration.


I wrote this book expressly for the silly adventurers, for the happy dreamers and relentless self-discoverers. For the ones who choose to accept life only with fulfillment and magnificent creation. I wrote it for you. So, I want to thank you for being here with me. Thank you for being who you are. You are an important part to this world.


Now, the world is waiting for your most authentic expression. I say we tear this place down with shameless fun, sincere actions and powerful intentions. (The world has too many boring meetings anyway.)


Angena






Hi, my name is Angena. I’m a writer originally from Finland. I’ve always looked at the world with endlessly curious eyes and expressed my findings with written words and dancing. Still, I will forever remain as a humble student of life whose passion is in the end of the day to make jokes and burn candles.

Let’s meet! You can find me in Instagram: @angenapoems




Download this book for your ebook reader.
(Pages 1-70 show above.)